I do not post very much, and this question may belong in the piecing forum, but this is where my few posts are so I decided to ask this here. Also, I know there are others here who are reconciling and I value your opinions!
Without going into the whole sordid sitch, my XH and I are starting to reconcile. I've never been really sure if he was having a MLC, but certain things "fit", so I'm not sure how to handle the physical affection aspect of reconciling. At different times, my XH will give me a hug or a kiss when he leaves, but not very often. Do I keep letting him initiate that or is it okay if I do sometimes? I don't want to pressure him or do anything to make him uncomfortable so I haven't initiated anything. Sometimes I feel that he is waiting for me to give him a hug but at the same time, I don't know if it's my feelings of wanting that affection--the bottom line is that I don't trust my instincts on this because I want it too much.
The times he has given me a hug or a kiss or both is when he thinks I've probably gone beyond being just nice. He had knee surgery two weeks ago and he asked that I go with him and I did. When I brought him back to his house he gave me a hug and a kiss and told me how much he appreciated my being there, etc. Since then, he's come over almost every day, but has not given me a hug or a kiss when he's left. I walk with him outside to his car and he gets in and usually there's some small talk and he'll tell me that he'll call me later and then leaves. Should I just leave it at that and be patient or do I initiate a hug/kiss goodbye?
I would really appreciate anyone else's experiences and opinions.
I would say in order for anything to "start happening" in that area, maybe one of you needs to just "go for it." He may be thinking the same things you are and doesn't know how YOU will react if he tries something more.
If you are pretty sure about the fact that you two are working on reconciling, I would say go ahead & do what feels comfortable.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks RHW. Yes we really are working on reconciling, but going very slow, which I think is good. We were always very affectionate before all of "this" and it feels so wierd now for it to be awkward. In a lot of ways I feel like a teenager who is so unsure about what to do, but it's been 18 years since I've dated! With everything I've read about MLC, etc. the last thing I want to do is push him away emotionally just when we are connecting. I don't want to rush things, so I'll see how it goes tomorrow. Thanks again for your reply.
Could you discuss this at all [without getting heavy]? Just say lightly that you would like to hug him, but don't want to to embarrass him - or something silly like that? If he isn't still in full MLC he will take this the right way . . .
farm, I think it is wonderful to see that you are working on reconciliation with your ex husband. It is also timely for your post because there have been a number of posts from people feeling that maybe things have gone too far with their spouse and that reconciling is not probably. Plus it is fantastic for people to read that divorce does not necessarily mean it is the end of the story unless that is what one wants.
From my perspective, I would agree with redheadwife that he may be a little nervous about being affectionate. At the same time I think it is a good idea to take things slow as you rebuild your relationship. A good foundation "communication" is critical.
Thank you for your thread.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Thanks for your reply. I won't say it's been easy because it hasn't been, but things are definitely better than they were 6 months ago. If I could do things over again, I don't know if I would have filed for divorce when I did, but I didn't find DB until after it was final. My XH called me the night before our court date asking me to postpone it. He was still with OW, so I went through with it, but since then he has made a significant effort in trying to work things out. I know if I would have left it up to him to file, we would still be married, but then I think things would have taken much longer to get to the point we are at now. It really does no good to second guess what has transpired, so I trust that things work out the way they are supposed to.
I think he is really nervous about being affectionate because of tremendous guilt. I didn't see him yesterday because he was sick but I talked to him four times. I feel really good about things right now, but realize we still may have some setbacks as he is not home yet. I decided this weekend that I'm going to take things slow and not rush as far as the affection goes, but when you've basically had no physical "connection" for over a year, it's hard to be patient!
I appreciate your taking the time to reply. I wish you the best in your situation and hope things work out for you.
