The Good, the Bad, and the Funny Part 5

[nephartiti]

Good morning, MK. I hope you are doing well. It sounds like the Aunties are trying to buy your H some time. Maybe they have seen some improvement in his appearance and attitude like you have. It sounds like they are trying to protect their family and your mom is protecting hers.

This is between you and your H. It's not really their fight to fight.

IMHO, if you think you might still want your H back, even a little, you might have to throw him a little bone eventually (like maybe letting him put S2 into the car seat). From what I have read here, he has a history of insecurity. He probably will only be able to take so much rejection before he decides it's hopeless. Just a thought.

Have a wonderful day. Is it raining where you are? You probably had this weather yesterday?

[mkultra]

Yes, Neph that is a lot to think about. My friend J spent a year where her father was in another country with an OW before coming home. Her parents R has not healed 100% but they are planning on growing old together. I DO NOT se this happening with my H because of his insecurity.

Here is the rub. I am not really that much of a believer in the fact that infidelity is the be all end all of a marriage but my H is.

Sound ironic? Yes, I know. My H always thought it would be me to cheat because I have had many boyfriends and male best friends including him. He also knows that my parents have dealt with infidelity but so has his.

My H is the one that is extremely loyal and faithful and all about monogamy. Too bad it is not with his wife.

He has chosen so badly because of his insecurity and he will hold on steadfast or else he has thrown away his entire life for nothing. He must make her love him completely or else all this was for nothing.

I heard Sting say the same thing in an interview. He holds on so strongly to his wife because he met her through a horrible affair. He said he couldnever lose her because of all the pain they went through together. Sting cheated on his wife and the mother of his children with her best friend who was living next door. He is now married to his wife's best friend.

But I can tell you and Morgan are giving me the hint to ease up on going dark but it is so hard. H wantsto come by the garage today to gett some tools. Even something that inocuous becomes an issue, as if he is hauling all our memories away or if there is another nail in the coffin.

My SIL saw us together and mentioned how my H stares at me. SIL said he looks bewildered as to why I would hate him and not look at him. He thinks he is just my exboyfriend and everybody should get along. He has no idea that he has humiliated me and betrayed our family.

[nephartiti]

That sucks about Sting. I didn't know that. I used to have so much respect for him. Vomit.

I understand how you feel, MK (betrayed and humiliated). I don't think I could look my H in the face right now either. I get the same impression about my H. He will hold onto OW for dear life b/c the thought of coming home, dealing with this mess and his guilt is too big--impossible. I thought we could get through this, but it is starting to look impossible to me too.

I do know that human beings can and do come through the most unthinkable situations and circumstances. Anything is possible. It takes great courage to open yourself up again and take that chance. I have a feeling that he doesn't think of himself as an ex-boyfriend. Even if you end in D, it is best if you can get along. I don't think I can with my H right now, but I know that is what would be best. That takes courage too--to overcome our own feelings and insecurities to do what we know is best. Sigh.

Best wishes, MK

[mkultra]

Thank you for the encouragement. It is strange how parallel many of our lives are on the forum. It is a pretty predictable pattern and I am glad that DR tries to break the pattern or at least makes us aware of it. I guess my H is heading for Stage 4 now, seeking approval and the last stage will be Stage 5 Restoring Balance. The thought of his OW and me having a nice holiday lunch with all the family sounds disgusting. Now, I cannot believe my own Father put my Mom through this hell and she hid it from us.

[mkultra]

Journaling:

More gossip from work. The head bartender, doorman, and DJ were a little tipsy. We had to deal with the cops and paramedics all night. A jealous H and his wife and an OM were fighting and tazers and a vehicle were involved along with numerous injuries. Like a scene form Cheaters!

The topic of marital infidelity came up and the drunk bartender began to cry how much she looked up to my H and thought of him as a big brother. Another one said he had actually saved his life in a knifing ( my H was a trained firefighter in the military).

She said some coworkers were talking about how could he do such bad things to such a nice wife. Blah, blah, blah. I guess people expect the LBS rto be some royal beotch but we usually got along.

The doormen were saying how easy it was to like me and how my H was crazy to not fight for an attractive smart wife.. Yada Yada Yada.

I told them I did not want to hear about H but something about liquor and adrenaline makes people talk and sob. Most of all I did not want to hear what a wonderful man he used to be and what a angry man he is now. But it does confirm that, as Donna says, I am not crazy.

[Reincarnated]

No, mk, you are not crazy. But it sounds like the place you have to work in, is! Don't you teach K during the day? You must be going schizo trying to bounce back and forth from that...

I still have a hard time thinking that this man is, at the very least, inhabiting the same body as the one I married. I wonder how he changed right before my eyes.

[nephartiti]

Wow, MK, your work environment is pretty spicy. About H's. A previous boss of mine used to have a saying about human beings and the power of choice.

"We can take a hammer and use it to build a house or to destroy one."

The potential for either lies within the same individual. We are complex beings each capable of great love and great evil. It is our choice how we use our power.

I think our H's were the wonderful men we thought they were. I think they still are buried in there somewhere. I see mine every once in a while. They are just so lost in their own twisted realities. We have to try not to take it personally.

MK, your co-workers are simply mirroring what you always say and know. The A is not about the LBS. Your H is in an MLC and has traded a wonderful and competent W for an incompetent OW. He is lost and temporarily insane. I could have told you you weren't crazy.

[mkultra]

OK I was inspired by Neph and Morgan to ease up a bit on the H and let him come to the house and I was even going to be here with my S2. My H was so cold with such a business demeanor that I felt another power struggle was ensuing so I just made an excuse to be gone during that time. Oh Roller Coaster from heck when will it ever end or is it just in my head? Do I just see a ray of hope that really was never there? Is this guy just using kindness a bartering chip for the kids? Does he have no sense of who we were at all?

I am starting to think that this has a lot to do with his affair. Duh, I know that is like overstating the obvious but I feel that it is like an epiphany.

My H has been completely accepted by someone who thinks he is OK to have an affair. No one else in his life can accept him as a cheater and a liar except for one other person. The Other Person!

It makes such sense to me now. He may have loved me so much in the past but he knows that married folk have an incredibly difficult time accepting lying cheaters. He probably believes that everyone who knew him in the past would not like the new him because of his choices/ mistakes/ lack of integrity. He even cried to me a few weeks ago stating he knew his childen would never respect him when they grow up. He better believe it. Love and respect are two different things.

So that is where DB comes in to play. I think that unconditional love phase can only last so log. But I am failing miserably right now. My heart is just giving out. I really do not think I can accept him even though I care and love him. I just don't think I can see him so empty. I know he is miserable and no one will take him in except his fellow perpatrator of guilt. It is like they are little crack addicts in some half way house hiding like vampires waiting for some fix.

[FLTC]

How bad does it have to be to say "I know my kids won't resepct me when they grow up" Why would they? He walked out on their mom, for someone else. ow could they respect him. I have had some issues with that in a way. I did mention that I tried to check out in March 06, because I had become totally unglued by the prospect of D. Was that my fault. Damn right. 100%. W. of course told my kids what I had done, when she herself feels it's OK to lie to kids at times. I do as well. I'd never admit to my kids that I drank in high school. She could have morpherd what I had done as well, although she was under no obligation to do so.

Anyhow, I've had to work hard to get some respect back from my kids, especially my older ones who ask how I could have done what I did. Fair question. I know now that they are very proud of me because I'm in Iraq, because they have told me so. My D14 told me that more than anyone, she would never want to dissappoint me, so I've gained some of that back.

I'm hoping I can explain how I was just emotionally broken and sad beyond belief to be losing the thing I loved most; my family.

Your husband will NEVER be able to make it right with his kids if he doesn't wake up. What's up with his self-pity? They won't respect you?????? HELLO!!! Who's fault is that???????

Most affairs, like many relationships lose their glow after a while. When you use the same commode and wake up with bad breath and messy hair, and have to balance a budget then comes the working part. The glitter of a "New woman" will wear off, and then what??? You've cut your life line, bozo!

Stay strong, continue to be a good mom, look forward to Halloweeen as best you can. You've got your kids with you 24/7. That's the best part here!

[nephartiti]

Mk, I think you and H are dancing. He put his hand out a few times and was rejected. Now he has his defenses up. Someone has to be strong enough to keep putting themselves out there until the other is willing to come half way. Otherwise, you will keep dancing and stepping on each other's feet.

You told me "Safe path home." IF, and big IF, you want him home, you have to let him know you will accept him after his mistakes. This has to be done subtly and consistently. They are mistakes. They are BIG mistakes, but they are still just that. He is human and he F-ed up big time. You kids are young. They will not hold a grudge at this point. What anyone else thinks, doesn't really matter.

Of course, no one will blame you if you throw in the towel. You have fought a good fight. What ever you choose, you will be blessed.

"In my heart
in my heart
I did no crime." Tori Amos (Razberry Swirl)