H has left have I Done the right thing

[Trixi]

I am going to preface what I am about to say with the following 'disclaimer': I am of the current frame of mind that leans more towards "tough love" and letting people be responsible for their choices. I am NOT reconciled w/my H, I probably have no idea what I am talking about--the comments I'll make are just my opinion and probably not entirely DB.

Okay, having said that, let's get to the other.

he said 'well things arn't right are they? I'm here b/c you asked me to live as friends, my feelings are still unchanged'. I said it wasn't working for me living as friends and unless he wanted to seek help or work at the M then I wanted him to move out on Saturday.

(I am assuming you had this discussion because you really couldn't continue as it was and not as a manipulation.) You gave him the option to work on the marriage. You set a boundary that living as friends wasn't working for you. Why would that be wrong? You gave him a clear way to move forward with you.

If I had carried on as it was would he have recommitted ever? Would he ever have moved out? Generally when he makes his mind up to do something he never changes his mind back,

Stop right there. He apparently had made up his mind to live with you as "friends"- so if we work off of the premise that when he makes up his mind, he doesn;t change it--then it doesn't matter where he lives. Where he lives does matter when it comes to YOUR well being.

so I don't think I stand a change now he has gone. He was a single man in this M for the last few years, he just didn't have the spine to walk away of his own accord.

I am sensitive to this whole subject because my H has been acting quasi-single for years. He didn't go out often, but he did go out until 4am and get indignant when I objected. He would keep me and his 'friends' separated. (His reasoning was that since he wasn't sure what was going to happen with he and I, he didn't want have us meet.)

He waffles between "I love You" and "I've been planning on leaving for years."

ugh.

Look, I know what it's like to stand up for yourself and then get scared. To think "gee, maybe crumbs aren't so bad. Maybe if I was just more (fill in the blank) I could have had more than crumbs later on, if only I was more patient." Yuck.

If you hadn't said anything, wouldn't he have continued to act single? Wouldn't it have put YOUR life on hold for moving forward as you watched and waited to see what was going to happen?

That's just my two cents-- feel free not to listen since, as I said, it's probably not the most DB position out there.