Time for healing without closing the door

[nephartiti]

Hi, Casey.

First, stop caretaking. You call him way too much, I think. You say you want space. So stop initiating. Really. Staying in bed when he got home was good. Getting up and shaking his leg--not so good. Re-read your post and take a look at your role in creating the dramatics you are trying to avoid. This is where you have control to make changes-with yourself.

The purpose of DB is not to ignore him. You want to GAL so that you can feel good about yourself and not obsess about what he is doing or who he is talking to. It is also to build your self-confidence so that you do not feel "pathetic" around him, because you are not. You are a loving person who has obviously taken the role of caretaker to your H. Trust me, I've been there, and I struggle every time H is here. I too end up waiting on him, and trying to take care of him, offer him furniture in case he gets his own place (which obviously isn't happening as he is all cushy with OW). This is tricky. My H considers my offering of food and other things as pursuing. It sends him running. If, however, I have food out and he goes snooping in the kitchen asking about things, I tell him he is welcome to it. He seems to appreciate this.

It really is helpful to keep a journal of techniques you try and the resonse you get. Then you can take stock and see what is and isn't working for you and your H.

Stay goal focused. Remember what you are trying to accomplish, and ask yourself, when making decisions, "Is this likely to help me reach my goal or take me farther from it."

If you do not feel comfortable being intimate, then this is a reasonable boundary to set. It should be done without malice. Remember, your goal is to save your marriage and eventually make it better than it was before.

Thanks, btw, for stopping by my thread. I have been struggling a lot this week. I really appreciate your support I really did print that quote and post it in my apartment.