H has left have I Done the right thing

[Evie]

I have been posting over in MLC & Piecing and now I need to post here.

Brief update on my stich:

Bomb 8/5/07, ILYBNILWY, grown apart, didn't love me as a husband should. Went abroad 2gether as a family in July. H didn't want to talk about the M while away or even since. He has only ever said that there are no issues but we have grown apart. He said he has worked on the M but I haven't noticed any evidence of him trying, I think he has just tried to 'fix' himself.

End of Aug another R talk, H said feelings hadn't changed. When I asked him what he wanted to do he said he would look for somewhere to live and move out. I asked him to stay and live as friends but he said it wouldn't work. However he didn't move out. I was acting 'as if', DB, read 5LL, we were getting on great, no itimacy etc. Then he really started to live as friends, like a single selfish bloke, I couldn't cope with this new change, I felt he had turned the corner, he seemed much brighter, like he had made a decision that he was ready to move on but without me, he started to go to the cinema alone, he wouldn't go out with me at all. Finally, i reached my timeline and asked him last wednesday why he was avoiding me and he said 'well things arn't right are they? I'm here b/c you asked me to live as friends, my feelings are still unchanged'. I said it wasn't working for me living as friends and unless he wanted to seek help or work at the M then I wanted him to move out on Saturday.

Now he has gone and I'm wondering if I have made a huge mistake??

If I had carried on as it was would he have recommitted ever? Would he ever have moved out? Generally when he makes his mind up to do something he never changes his mind back, so I don't think I stand a change now he has gone. He was a single man in this M for the last few years, he just didn't have the spine to walk away of his own accord.

He cried when he told my d's this morning, he said he loved me but not as a husband should (I was out with the boys). We haven't told them yet.

Please help me with this mess in my head.

[Trixi]

I am going to preface what I am about to say with the following 'disclaimer': I am of the current frame of mind that leans more towards "tough love" and letting people be responsible for their choices. I am NOT reconciled w/my H, I probably have no idea what I am talking about--the comments I'll make are just my opinion and probably not entirely DB.

Okay, having said that, let's get to the other.

he said 'well things arn't right are they? I'm here b/c you asked me to live as friends, my feelings are still unchanged'. I said it wasn't working for me living as friends and unless he wanted to seek help or work at the M then I wanted him to move out on Saturday.

(I am assuming you had this discussion because you really couldn't continue as it was and not as a manipulation.) You gave him the option to work on the marriage. You set a boundary that living as friends wasn't working for you. Why would that be wrong? You gave him a clear way to move forward with you.

If I had carried on as it was would he have recommitted ever? Would he ever have moved out? Generally when he makes his mind up to do something he never changes his mind back,

Stop right there. He apparently had made up his mind to live with you as "friends"- so if we work off of the premise that when he makes up his mind, he doesn;t change it--then it doesn't matter where he lives. Where he lives does matter when it comes to YOUR well being.

so I don't think I stand a change now he has gone. He was a single man in this M for the last few years, he just didn't have the spine to walk away of his own accord.

I am sensitive to this whole subject because my H has been acting quasi-single for years. He didn't go out often, but he did go out until 4am and get indignant when I objected. He would keep me and his 'friends' separated. (His reasoning was that since he wasn't sure what was going to happen with he and I, he didn't want have us meet.)

He waffles between "I love You" and "I've been planning on leaving for years."

ugh.

Look, I know what it's like to stand up for yourself and then get scared. To think "gee, maybe crumbs aren't so bad. Maybe if I was just more (fill in the blank) I could have had more than crumbs later on, if only I was more patient." Yuck.

If you hadn't said anything, wouldn't he have continued to act single? Wouldn't it have put YOUR life on hold for moving forward as you watched and waited to see what was going to happen?

That's just my two cents-- feel free not to listen since, as I said, it's probably not the most DB position out there.

[mkultra]

He is being selfish but you did the righ tthing. As far as I have read staying under the same roof and acting as if makes it very hard for the WAS to leave especially if you did show him that you were happy. He is being selfish and needs to do some soul searching in his mind. Now so do you, once again! I am so sorry but do not get desperate. You must agree to whatever he wants and says short of divorce. I also feel like 99, that I may be in a different frame of mind but your sitch sounds hopeful but he is in such a fog. I had a similar discussion with my H but it was H that wanted to live as roommate for the kids. A series of events that probably included an EA that he needed to have permission to make into a PA occurred. I stil do not know the timeline of my H's affair but sometimes they just want permission to sleep around. That may sound crass but they can be like dogs that way. You need to GAL and show him that you could get another man. Think Beyonce's song IRREPLACEALE. That will let him see you as a desirable person. Sometimes spouses do not see how desirable their spouses are until someone else affirms it. That usually cures that ILYBNIL scenario.

[azhira]

Hey sweetie. Saw you jumped over here.

I know about the confusion. Believe me. lol

Do you think you did the right thing?

Don't worry about his 'happy packing' attitude. I don't think it means anything.

Hugs.

[Evie]

Thankyou all for your supportive comments and sympathtic ears.

Its been a long day...

99 - i agree with everything you said, i needed you to be firm and stop my pity party. You explained it a whole lot better than me. I didn't have the discussion as a way of manipulating him, I knew I couldn't continue as things were. Things just seemed to have reached stalemate and although we weren't moving backwards, we also were not making progress and as you said my life was/is on hold. I had to consider him all the time as he was living in the house. I know all he wants is to be friends and everything be amicable, but hell i'm hurting and yes while i want a good r with him, i would like him to feel guilty for the pain he is causing.


Mkultra - r u suggesting that he may be seeking approval to sleep with ow? (I wasn't sure, but in the beginning i did think there was ow, i don't think there is now). I'm not ready to start dating, if he knew I was doing that then he would deem it ok to do the same and that would tip me over the edge, it's all to raw atm. I need him to mess up and maybe make a mistake, start to feel quilty, i said i would never ask him to leave that he would have to go of his own accord, but then look what i've gone & done.


H sat down with D's (I wasn't there)and explained he was moving out and why.

I feel as if I am handling it ok, I feel empowered by the fact that I have asked him to leave, rather than it be his choice to go. Hasn't stop me having a wobbly just and having a huge cry.

He said to D's that he has worked so hard and put in so many hours also the pressure from buying the property abroad that the pressure from it all has clouded his judgement and he has lost sight of what was important to him. He told them he loved me but not as a husband should love his wife. He cried while he told them this (very rare emotion for him, so important to mention).

He has just called to speak to s's, we spoke for a bit, I felt he was waffling, he sounded very tired and I guess he his feeling an emotional wreck. He is coming round tomorrow evening and sitting the boys down and telling them.

I don't think now that there is any hope of his coming home now. I had to do the dirty job, he was to spineless to do it, but it's what he wanted and i'm sure once the dust settles he will adapt and be happy that he has left.

XD

[azhira]

Regardless where his head is at, this is good for you. Trust me on this. I've had xh and his mopey self at home, and trust me, worrying where he was all hours of the night made me crazy. At the time I was scared, too. Having his butt out and supporting himself (instead of me doing it) let us both cool off. All the times he's left, the initial 'moving-out' part is the worst. Once the dust settled, I always felt better. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but true. (And not that I would ever admit it at the time.)

This will help you clear your head. It will be okay. It may not even mean the end of your M. But it will help you get your sanity back. I promise.

Lots of hugs. We're all here for you!

[Evie]

this has got to be the worst day of my life.

H & I sat down with boys and told them. 3 yr old doesn't understand but 7 year has broken his heart. H handled it very well, I said nothing, only to say that this was not my decision that it was what daddy wanted. H said that he didn't love mommy any more and he would not be living in the house any more.

H was happy to stay around, but I just needed him to be gone, I needed space.

Friend txt me to see how i was, i told her what had happened and also said H seemed regretless and he seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. How the hell it happened i dont know, but H received the txt as well as friend. OMG H was not happy, he said it was the worst w/end of his life and came close to how he felt when his mother died, he said he was gutted that i should critise him as he would never do that to me. He said we just couldn't carried on as we were(bearing in mind, I had to tell him to go)

my head is a mess right now. H is expecting things from me right now that i cant give, he seems as if he is just as beat up inside and expects me to be normal and support this decision and him. i told him i'm hurting as much as him and he mustn't misunderstand everything I say and do as an act of anger and revenge. i just need space and time. I know he won't be coming back.

XD

[azhira]

Hey hon. How are you today?

[Dom R]

hi...

sorry about the situation you are in.

my 2 cents;

He cried when he told my d's this morning, he said he loved me but not as a husband should

he's talking about how he feels. But that has nothing to do with the marriage commitment.
Getting married, is about a commentment to show each other love. It isnt a commitment "i'll always feel the same way about you".

He has only ever said that there are no issues but we have grown apart.

yes, any two separate individuals will do that over time.
The commitment of marriage, is about committing to put in the effort, to work at keeping common bonds alive between you.

sounds like he hasnt done that.

Have you tried talking to him along those lines?

That marriage isnt a promise "to stay together so long as you feel like it", but rather, a promise to stay together and keep treating each other well?

Unfortunatley, the "live as friends" thing, has backfired, seems like. but it also sounds like he's moving out for the wrong reasons.

If he really just doesnt understand what it takes, to make a good marriage where both people are happy... (and it may be the case... he's a man, after all ) It may be worth while asking himn to try "just one more thing", and schedule a retrouville or marriage builders weekend to go to together.

[Evie]

hi all,

Will post more later, my head is in a spin.

Thanks Dom for stopping by. Your words were reassuring. I have tried to talk to H about the reasons for leaving, but he is not reaaly listening or doesn't want to listen. He thinks that because he doesn't feel the same way about me it's ok to leave but that doesn't make it right though does it? What about the commitment to the family? He just seems content to move on and sort out a routine for the boys.

He wants to meet for dinner on Thursday and I don't want to put any pressure on him or to come across as begging/pleading, but I don't know how to say things in a way that he will listen, but I want him to consider coming back.

We don't seem to have retrouville or marriage building weekends in the uk unfortunately.