The Good, the Bad, and the Funny Part 5

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))). wow, mk, that last statement got me. to be rejected when you are completely transparent. wow. well said...something I definitely get.

I also get that you don't want to know what is going on in H's life. I told my H I don't want to know about his social life, and I don't want him to ask about mine. he still tells me some stuff that honestly, I'd rather now know. like the springsteen tix. why tell me? its not even a night he sees the kids, I didn't have to know at all, and honestly, I'd rather not have.

anyway, thinking of you, hoping you are okay. I really think we all need to write oprah and suggest michelle's book or just suggest a show on trying to make a marriage work instead of so easily divorcing.

just as long as I am not part of the panel. I would hate for H to tell the world how I was such a rotten wife and that I dared to leave cheerios on the floor instead of following the kids around with a broom.

[mkultra]

What a coincidence that you brought that up! MyBFF is having issues with her H and will get $9,000 worth of therapy and travel expences to be on a show with the man who wrote the Passionate Marriage. She is starting to freak out because the producer of the show says that they will have to talk about their sex lives. It may be on NBC Dateline? She is not sure if it will be on Discovery Health or NBC? She may back out if it offends her mom but she really wants the free therapy to help save her marriage. I think my circle is so paranoid after seeing my H leave me.

[mkultra]

Morgan, LWB, Neph, Donna, Friends,

Thanks for letting me journal. You know I have been happy inmy life but lately I have been reverting back to not sleeping or eating again. I started wondering why my depression came back at this time?

It kind of hit me that I was OK saying that my H was making decisions from the POV as a MLCer. That he was doing all these terrible things because of his temporary insanity, sleep deprivation, crazy environment, drinking and substance abuse, baby jealousy, sex starved, affair addiction.

Yet, now that he has a state job, sleeps at night, is out of the bar, after six months of seeing this weirdo chick every night, never sees the kids, he is now just a man out there in the world walking around with a girl half his age and acceptng her not as a mistress or fling but as a bona fide girlfriend ina bona fide relationship. Well, I am not so sure about that. That is what gets me. What do I do if he does snap out of it and falls apart? What happens if the fog does clear?

[SallyM]

just because he has a job and gets a good night sleep does not mean that H is not in the middle of a mlc.

my father is an alcoholic. during his drinking days, he held a complex job with no problem. doesn't mean that he wasn't still an actively drinking alcoholic.

[mkultra]

The Trigger of the MLC?

I met a customer who gave me a first hand blow by blow of the night my H was assaulted at his work.

A Hell's Angel jumped my H from behind after calling him a FA$. This customer, a coke dealer immediately grabbed a Corona, busted it and jammed it in this biker's rib cage. The coke dealer who was trying to protect my H then went and got a gun and threatened the biker. Several other men then kicked out the biker for attcking my H.

Now, my H never told me what happened to him. he said he fell from a ladder. My Mom told me a week or two later expecting my H to have told me. After this traumatic experience was whenmy H started drinking and driving, staying out late, losing weight, stopped sleeping at all. I had no idea.

I begged and pleaded for my H to quit that job, not even knowing the details. He became more and more despondant, then more and more verbally abusive.

Then I kicked him out. It all spiraled out of control and here we are. Oh yeah, an affair ensued along with the MLC!!!

[LooseThread]

Hi MK....you sound like you feel guilty for kicking him out now that you have heard the full story. Is that right?

[nephartiti]

Wow, MK. Are you ok? How are you holding up? Your sitch is moving very quickly. So much info is coming out of the woodwork. I think it is understandable that a lot of the original emotions are resurfacing. It is part of the process, I think. DR even says that when the WAS starts to turn around, the LBS struggles with all the emotions they have been controlling in order to DB.

Be gentle and understanding with yourself. That experience must have been horrifying for your H and probably made him realize how fragile life is. Too bad he chose to go the way he did instead of realizing how precious life is and embracing how wonderful his was. Instead he chose to abuse and neglect it. Perhaps he has learned his lesson. Perhas now that he has this job, he feels more confident and will feel more worthy to stand beside you as a partner. Maybe he felt like such a loser that he had to hang out with losers for a while.

My point: His A and choices are still about him, not you. It's up to you whether you want to be forgiving and allow him to come out of this mistake and back to the family I'm sure he loves.

(((HUGS)))

[mkultra]

I do not even know if that story ever really happened?? I am not familiar with people on drugs but they sound loopy and unreliable. No, I do not feel guilty for asking an abusive spouse to leave my home. Especialy realizing much of the abuse can be attributed to guilt associated with an affair and perhaps subsyance abuse. I kicked him out so my son would not see him verbally attack every night drunk.

[mkultra]

Journaling:

My mother and my Aunt In Laws had lunch today. I used to have a formal dinner once a month for my childless Aunts who are both widows. My H was always annoyed with them but he is the closest thing they have to a son.
Now things are a little estranged no matter how much they say they love me. Blood is thick.
Anywho, they began petitioning for my H which is a change because before they were telling me that I would od better to find a better man, someone richer and handsomer. They acted disappointed in my H, as if I was too good for him.

Now they are telling my Mom that he will have both of their estates after they die so I would do well to stay with my H and avoid a divorce.

My mother acted insulted by this comment. She told them could get a much better man and that I would not need their homes or inheritance. That if I wanted I could marry a very wealthy man or make my own million. (No way as I am a part time teacher!)

What the H is that convo about??? Why the 180???

[SallyM]

wow on that story, mk. wow. have you talked to him about that night ever?

as for the aunts, well, blood is thicker than water, you are right. no matter how good a relationship you have with them, no matter how right they may think you are, blood is always thicker. trust me, I know.

I wonder if they had that conversation because they know where you are headed (divorce) and either H has pleaded with them to try to stop it/slow you down (you aren't talking to him, he can't get thru to you any other way), or else they want to try to stop it themselves. or maybe your mom is telling you things with her own spin (either knowingly spinning it, or just how she sees things). not saying she's being deceptive, just hard to know exactly what was said all the way around, ya know? your mom is a pretty strong, outspoken individual, from, what I've read. maybe the aunts were reacting to something your mom said?

I could be wrong, again, I don't really know their dynamic, just brainstorming.

hope you are doing okay, mk. I think about you a lot.