Thursday he calls me and asks if he can stay the night because where he is staying was doing something with their house and there was no room (?) for him that night.
I said yes. Pointed out that he would need to stay in the spare room. He appeared fine with that. He reminded me that he doesn't finish work till 9pm on Thurs and that he wasn't sure what time he'd be here as he had some report to write but that he'd try and get here as quickly as he could. I took it as read that he would be reasonably late and my 180 was to not stress about what time he would be here and what I would be doing when he did get here.
Later in the day I rang him to ask him if he wanted a free microwave that I knew someone wanted to get rid of. He said he wasn't sure if he needed one as he has put his name down for two places, one which was furnished, and the other that was unfurnished. He thanked me for the offer and I took it that he accepted the microwave. (I now have it sitting at workready to go). I also got up the courage to point out that I wasn't overly keen (can't remember how I actually said it) on him saying that if he ended up with a place that didn't have a room for d that he would probably just come to the house on the nights he looks after her. His first reaction was "oh yeah, cos if you bring someone home". *roll the eyes*. I said "no that's not the main reason" and explained that I was keen to be able to go out and return without having to extricate myself from d every time I leave the house. Plus I pointed out, I might not always want to go out, what if I just wanted to stay in and watch DVD's. I was worried that he would just say, well we could watch them together, but he didn't. Additionally, and I don't think I said this to him - I don't think it's fair like Neph(?) said that he gets to see what I'm up to (by being in the house) yet his private life will remain very private, unless he specifically invites me there. At the end of it, he said he could understand where I was coming from (I hope!) so I hope he keeps that in mind.
BThursday night I had to take d late night shopping for a couple of things. I called h before we left and even though I had said to him later in the day that I wasn't cooking I had looked in the fridge and saw there was plenty of leftovers so I rang to let him know he could have leftovers if he wanted and so he didn't have to buy anything. It was my way of being nice though I worried that I'd have to heat it all up for him and bring it out to him becuase he seems to not want to get into the fridge on his own (this irritates me cos I'd like for him to actually look after himself adn not expect me to wait on him) d and I got home at 8pm. Got her into bed and fell asleep with her.
Heard the front door open but don't know what time it was. I didn't bother getting up and fell back to sleep. Do you guys think that was rude or good DB'ing?
When I did eventually get up it was about 11pm and he was asleep on the couch covered with the blanket. He had brought home some sandwiches leftover from the cafe at his work so I put them in the fridge. I tried to wake him by shaking his foot but it didn't really work so I sat down at the computer. He woke up then and I asked him if he had eaten (I didn't really want to wait on him hand and foot. I don't think he knows how much that shits me) and he replied that he was going to eat the sandwiches that he had bought. I told him I'd put them in the fridge and he lay back down again. I suggested that he go to the spare room but he sorta shrugged it off and said he was fine where he was (in a mumbling, not fully awake sort of way). He then mumbled something about that he'd rather come to our bed or something along those lines (wtf???). but I didn't respond to that. As I was leaving the room someone rang him and he was talking to them. It bugs me that he keeps his phone on his person all the time now (I have told him I have snooped in the past). This says to me that he feels guilty about who he is talking to and has something to hide (not that I should care now!).
So I went to bed and read for a bit.
His alarm went off at 4.30am and he got up and had a shower and left for work. I fell back to sleep once I realised he was in the shower and didn't hear him leave.
d was upset when she woke up becuase I had forgotten to give him something she had made so I rang him and asked if I could bring her up to give it to him. Plus he had left the sandwiches behind and I thought I would be nice and bring them up to him. I got the eternal "if you want" and "if you think you'll have time before you have to be at work" (btw I knew it would make me late but I thought it was important to make sure d got to see her dad). So I took her up there, she got to give her dad her pressie and gave him some cuddles, he was pleased to see her. I stood back and passed on his sandwiches. I asked him that if he wanted to hang with us tomorrow (Sat) he could (he had asked if he could before, and though I hadn't said no, I did tell him I was looking after one of d's friends while her parents were away for the night - he seemed disappointed when I first told him and said he missed us and wanted to spend time with me. (I can't understand where he's coming from - it's like he wants to make up for hurting me and spend nice time together - I'm not keen to encourage him becuase in the past it has just led to the dynamic of us shagging again and then I think we are back on and who knows what he is thinking. Bottom line is, from my point of view it smacks of cake eating at worst and at best he seems like he doesn't really know how to interact with me in a way other than that of an intimate relationship. It's soooo frustrating. Can't he see that I need space? I have told him I'm hurting. It's like he knows all the right things to say, but when it comes to follow through...oh dear...sorry, 1001 excuses that all sound soooo valid and I feel like I would be unreasonable to get shirty.
Anyway, he was a bit standoffish with me and tried to neutrally say that as far as spending time with us on SAt arvo that "it's cool. You do your own thing". I'm pleased about that but wonder if it's a 180 on his part.
He didn't call me at all Friday. I rang and left him a message to let him know I had taken delivery of the microwave.
Saturday d had a b'day party at 10.30 -12.30. I had my mobile on vibrate so didn't notice when he called at 11.50am. Didn't leave a message. I tried calling back but he didn't answer so I just left what I hoped was an upbeat message about what I was doing with d and her friend.
Took the girls to the movies and rented a DVD. Girls had takeaway for dinner and they have just gotten out of the bath.
I've been on here just about all day, checking updates and trying to find others who are in similar sitches to me.
I have a feeling of peace that this is the start of a new life for me. How do I let h know that without him feeling like I've just brushed him off? I do care about him, I do love him. I just don't like the pathetic person I have become when around him. Always wondering what he is thinking etc. I want to open a new chapter of my life but whilst I don't want to get drawn back into dramatics with h I don't want to ignore him totally (but I feel I need to ignore him/GAL/LRT/go dark) in order to avoid possible dramatics. Am I making any sense???
