Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[Jen_Jam]

Well... I have been meaning to update for some time but never got round to it ... blame it on an addiction to Facebook!

I always thought as well that there was no point me posting when things are good... then i realised that's EXACTLY when I should be recording it ... so that I can have a record of what works!!!

So .. all in all life is getting great and the memory of the bomb is fading. I will never forget it but it doesn't cast its shadow over everything I do and say like it used to. I've noticed a lot of the things I did when I was DB'ing now come naturally .. letting go of control, stepping back and allowing others to just be, choosing my battles wisely and if all else fails well just ring up a good friend and arrange to go out and have some fun.

looking back, my H was in a mild MLC/depression. There was no OW thankfully, he would just sit about and look depressed. Life held no enjoyment for him. Yes our R was bad, **I** was doing things wrong (shouting, demanding, pressing the guilt button) but those things I manage to avoid on the whole now.

I've noticed about me as well ... I'm a massive procrastinater. I used to blame other people/things for getting in my way, stopping me doing things. Now I realise the only person stopping me getting off my butt and cleaning the house/filing those bills/painting the hallway is... ME. I fully believe my first stop in solving any problem whatsoever is me. I will look to myself to see what I need to do, then if I need help from others I will identify what that is and ASK for it. Not demand, ASK.

H .. well as I said he used to be in a mini MLC/depression. He felt all the fun was gone from life. He felt regimented by me. Well ... I dropped all control yet he would still ask me "what should I do?" about various things (where to go out, what to have for dinner etc etc) and I would just feel angry - he got what he wanted and yet STILL he wanted to shove responsibility my way. How did I best deal with this? Weell, I think I refused to take the responsibilty, but I didn't do it in and angry way, just a very non confrontational way. There is a story about anger being a gift and refusing to accept it. I would view H's attempts to put responsibilty back to me as a gift and I would gently refuse it.

So .. he came round. He realised now my attempts to pay off our credit card bills, to budget effectivly etc are not to spoil his fun (as he used to view it) and he actually thanked me for sorting out the finances. I pointed out I didn't want to spoil his fun and his words? "they were my deamons".

He is handing out the cuddles and ILY's .. I did ask for these quite a bit. One of the probs I felt was H didn't make time for me, that I ame a poor 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc in his life. What came first was the gym. That is now changing. I needed a lot of patience there!

And I had another ah-ha moment of late. I realised in all things I had been going about my life and thinking "what is the right way to act? How should I deal with this?". now, in a tricky situation that is a good thing to do. But I was doing it for EVERYTHING, I mean 24/7. So I realised I was reacting to a situation that has now passed, and I thought "let it go". I have a new mott in life, I got from a wise man on these boards:

Just be.

i can now just be. It feels good. I am aware things could go wrong again, nothing in life comes with a guarantee, but then the sky could fall down tomorrow, it could rain, Scotland might not get through the Euro 2008 qualifiers ... all these things are in the future and also out of my control. My focus is on the present and what i can control.

Hmm... I think I will update a bit more regularly. I do lurk a lot and jump in if I can help.

If you're reading this and in newcomers, well it does take a long time but if you work at it there is a good chance you will feel happiness, whatever happens with your M.

If you're in piecing I would say .... Piecing is SO LONG! For me it took a good year. And I always thought I was further ahead than I actually was!