Is it time to cut him off?

[NikB]

That was my thought too Agent99 - you could always use it as a rental.

After the latest bomb in my sitch I have decided that I will own a house all of my own some day, and plan to ALWAYS keep it. It may be a rental at times or whatever, but I want that security.

Check on the legalities first of course, and really make sure you're thinking it through... but I can see why you'd want to do it, for sure.

You see what's happening to me now.. it is worth doing WHATEVER you need to do to make sure any reconciliation is the real thing.

[Trixi]

You see what's happening to me now.. it is worth doing WHATEVER you need to do to make sure any reconciliation is the real thing.

That was my thought as I keep up with your story.

I totally, TOTALLY can see me getting sucked into thinking that dance classes matter; or that we are having fun doing this or that--have him move back in (because it's clear that's what I want) and then have it come back to bite me in the a$$.

He hasn't done much of anything to improve our situation, and yet I act like he's the second coming of Christ when he throws me a crumb, or even a half a sandwich. But he's said from jump street that I am a big girl and if I can't 'handle it' I can tell him to F off until he get's his head on straight. So, he's not responsible for his actions--it's up to me to not allow him to use me; as opposed to him not using me...that bugs me.
Here is the analogy. He's like a bank robber who says 'Yeah, I'm robbing the bank. The security guard is free to arrest me if they want.' Instead of saying "robbing banks is wrong." Does that make sense?

Anyway, I went and looked at more houses today. Nothing felt like "me"..one came close. I suppose when it's time, the house will be there.
Part of me thinks I should discuss all my thoughts with H, and the other part thinks I should go find the house, toss him in the car, drive him to it and say "I am buying this- you can break your lease and move back to the house." Not probably the best way to do, but I SOOOO want to be in control for once. To not be wondering what HE is going to decide.

[Dom R]

So, he's not responsible for his actions--it's up to me to not allow him to use me; as opposed to him not using me...that bugs me.
Here is the analogy. He's like a bank robber who says 'Yeah, I'm robbing the bank. The security guard is free to arrest me if they want.' Instead of saying "robbing banks is wrong." Does that make sense?

Absolutely. What He is doing, doesnt make sense.
well, actually it DOES make sense... it's perfectly normal behaviour. for a 13 year old.



reguarding buying a house:
fantacising, and imagining what it might be like "on your own" is one thing. but dont get sucked into an "EA" with a house right now, hmm?
I think it's a bad move for you, on MANY fronts. Just one reason, is the legal reason.
You shouldnt do that until you are at minimum, officially legally separated financially.
Which is actually different from having a "legal separation" accmplished.
Unless you have legally established a date of separation (which only happens once one of yu has been served with divorce or LS papers, AND the other one responds, AND agrees on the date f separation) then he will own half the house.


I dont think it's not good for yu to "play games" with moving on.
You're supposed to be the sane one. If neither of you acts sane any more, then where will your relationship head?

(well, I suppose limited amounts of "insanity" from you, might make him feel forced into filling the void of 'sane spouse'. but... lets be sensible about the areas of insanity, shall we? )

[MaxP]

Here is the analogy. He's like a bank robber who says 'Yeah, I'm robbing the bank. The security guard is free to arrest me if they want.' Instead of saying "robbing banks is wrong." Does that make sense?

Agent99 That makes total sense to me.

Max

[LL44]

Makes total sense!!!

[Trixi]

I am glad I made sense with my analogy. It seems that he is not wanting to accept responsibility and that he is leaving it up to me to make decisions so he can say "Well, 99 decided ______, so what was I supposed to do? Not my fault."

Regarding him owning half the house (if I buy one), at this point- don't think it would matter much. I am only going to put 5% down and I would have him sign a quit claim deed and it would be financed in my name. Plus, the 5% comes out of the sales proceeds that go against the bottom line of the assets less liabilities. I think it would just be a wash. Maybe I'm wrong...I'll have to do research.

I don't think I am playing games regarding moving on. To me, playing a game would be making an idle threat in order to manipulate him. The reality for me is that I feel stuck here. He wants to live in the house, I don't want to live here unless we are reconciled; I don't want to move twice (unless it's because we reconciled). I do not see any other way for US to know he picked ME and not the house.

It isn't so much that I am "moving on",either-- it's more like I'm caring for myself and creating a home for ME-if he wants to create a mutual, loving relationship- I am open to it. And if it turns out that is what he would like to reconcile then I sell the house or rent it out. (I'm inclined to renting it and considering it an investment.)

Who knows- maybe when I bring it up, he will have some other solution that makes sense--but given that he just recently said that I might need to go and buy my own house....well, I don't think he has a way to solve the dilema of him missing the house.

[BryanS]

The other way for you to know he picked YOU and not the house is to move out but NOT buy another house. I understand your desire not to move multiple times, I get that you really dislike it. But, the real issue is: is your discomfort at potentially moving multiple times if necessary greater than your desire to do everything in your power to reconcile? To me, that what it sounds like you're saying. You'll move out but if you do, you're going to do it your way which doesn't leave much room for him if he wants to come back and might be exactly what he's expecting.

When my W walked away, one of the first things she started telling me about was the houses she was looking at buying and I know how that felt to me. It's so much more of a definitive statement than simply moving out.

OK, I've said way more than simply my $.02. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Trixi]

Thanks Bryan- I really understand what you are saying; and I am sure as the LBS, it would be hard to hear that the WAS wants to buy a home. Just like I am sure it is much harder on the LBS to hear that the WAS is dating compared to vice versa.

We had a rental house before, so it's not out of the realm of possibilities that we would own another. I sell real estate, so I won't need to pay myself a commission on either a purchase or subsequent sale.

If I go ALL the way back- this started in 2001. He decided in '01 he would be leaving in '06. Dramatic changes in me helped to stall him leaving, but not enough to get him committed. He once said to his sister that his biggest regret is that he hasn't been able to love me the way I deserve to be loved. He has NEVER said he doesn't love me, or that he regrets our relationship; it's just that "something" is missing. I am starting to feel like I will never be able to give him that "something".

If I do somehow give him that *something* in the future, I'll come back here. Happily.

Aw, heck. I might be all talk right now. It's easy for me to imagine all this--but I haven't actually sat down with him to talk about it (and have him agree with me which will feel like rejection); I haven't actually made an offer on a house---if/when I do, I am sure I will experience a LOT of fear.

Here's my options/possible scenarios and gut reactions:
a)stay here and wait for him to decide what's going on
-that feels depressing to me. No nesting. No moving forward. just more limbo.
b)He all of a sudden says he wants to come home and work on the M
-that doesn't feel very good to me. I will question his motives and still wonder if the other shoe is about to fall
c)get a rental, have him move back in this house
-that feels like more of the same; just I'll be in a rental. Feels very similar to option 'a'
d)Buy a rental houe that I (temporarily?) reside in.
-that feels scary. AND exciting. and liberating.

I have just posted a request on craigslist for a lease option to buy. If I can find one of those that I really like, that would be the ideal choice.

[NikB]

It's easy for me to imagine all this--but I haven't actually sat down with him to talk about it (and have him agree with me which will feel like rejection);

Woah Agent99... I didn't get this feeling before, but reading this it looks to me like you're doing this to manipulate him. You're already planning the conversation. You've decided to feel rejected if he agrees with you. I can practically hear you telling him about your idea with this hopeful undertone that says "please tell me no, prove you love me and want me by saying you don't want me to do this, please don't reject me..."

If this is a test, don't do it. It's more extreme pressure that you're putting on him. Trust me, if you're feeling that agreeing with you will = rejection, he WILL feel that no matter how you try to hide it.

You do have a lot of good reasons for it and it may make sense, but only if you're doing it 100% purely for you as something that you need. The conversation about it should be pretty brief and mostly business. Don't make it about him, pressuring him, fixing him, "helping" him make his decision. Again.. 100% purely for you.

If you think long and hard about this and are sure it's what you need, it's not a manipulation thing, and it makes financial and legal sense... I'd recommend writing down exactly what you want to say to him and post it here for "critique" first. Then practice it like crazy so that when you do talk to him you can be calm, business-like, and keep it about you.

I haven't actually made an offer on a house---if/when I do, I am sure I will experience a LOT of fear.

You're setting yourself up again... deciding to feel afraid. If you expect it and are "sure" of it I can almost guarantee you it'll happen.

[Trixi]

Well, you know, change is always scary. Whether it's good change or bad change--it's still scary. (For me, at least- which is why I want to nest;settle in.)

If this is a test, don't do it. It's more extreme pressure that you're putting on him. Trust me, if you're feeling that agreeing with you will = rejection, he WILL feel that no matter how you try to hide it.

Hmmm..interesting perspective. I don't really consider it a test, per se. I think that recognizing a hard truth can feel like rejection. And if he says "Yeah, you oughtta buy a house because I don't see us working out and I want to move back into this house"-that would feel like rejection and I am not sure how it wouldn't. Heck-my daughter's boyfriend just broke up with her and she was thinking she was going to break up with him, but he beat her to the punch-so, even though she is "ok" with the outcome, she is a little miffed that he was the initiator and feels rejected.

I posted this earlier and it contains what I intend to say to H.

If I were to say to him, "I do not want a divorce at this point and ultimately would hope that we would reconcile. I can't continue to live in the house and you are unhappy in the apartment. I get that. You know I hate moving and that moving my businesses causes big down time. So, I am opting to buy a house. If we reconcile, then I am sure you will happily help me move back in and we can decide what to do with the house I buy. And if not, then I have already started to build my life and won't be forced into another move." I think that makes it very clear that I am open to reconciling. If I say that to him and he says 'no no no' then I would be open to discussing other options. From where I stand, though, the stage has been set that the only way for him to have clarity is to be in the house without me.

Thoughts?