Here we go 'round in circles...

[Jen_Jam]

H has always blamed me for his not taking action on things...because of how he thought I *would* act or how I'd acted in response in the past. I was held accountable for his unhappiness and lack of action, often without him ever saying a word or communicating his needs.

The "permission" thing was not an accident on his part. He told me this himself...felt like he was doing a "good" thing by asking. When I told him how I perceived it and how it made me feel, he backed off it.

I pretty much told him everything I'd listed here. I told him I'd support him in whatever way I could, but it was not my place to grant permission. I told him I want him to be happy, I want him to follow his bliss, but I also expect us to be able to pay our bills. I offered to sit down and help make a plan, and I offered to pay for some life coaching with a friend and colleague of mine who has helped me transform my life.

SD

ARGH!!! The assumptions!!! Your H's English twin used to do this a lot, and from time to time still does. For example, I would be home late and he hadn't cooked anything, then he'd say "I didn't know what you wanted for dinner". No asking, no just go ahead and cook something (I have told him I always enjoy his chiili), and it felt like the responsibilty of cooking was being placed firmly on my shoulders.

So - I get the feeling my H was thinking that if he was able to guess what I wanted and then deliver on that he'd be doing a good job. He has always said my happiness is important to him. So he's go on with his mind reading and of course he'd get it wrong. I ended up telling him if I'd wanted to marry a mind reader I would have done so. He's getting there now.

Your H asking permission - he thought he was doing a good thing. Remember we've all tried many tactics in our DB'ing and sometimes they were the wrong ones. So - it looks to me like your H has tried to "do the right thing" and that is GOOD because ...

I see so many patterns in your sitch and mine. I see in your posts the ups and then downs again ... I've been reading back through my diaries this week and I promise will update on my own thread (been meaning to a while). So - in my sitch I kept asking calmly for what I wanted, then again and again and again ... but I think it was only when my H was willing to take the step that he really started to listen and TRY. yes he got things wrong but when I explained (calmly, no anger or nagging) that I would prefer another approach THAT is when he FINALLY started to listen.

What I'm saying is it looks like your H may have turned a corner. He will still backslide a bit so for now focus on the positives. Push the negatives completely out of your mind. I would predict that the next few months will be a lot calmer for you, and you might just get that "new honeymoon" period ... I really hope so cos you've worked so darned hard for this.