Registered: 10/22/05 Posts: 1768 Loc: Wisconsin I Originaly posted this in another section My soon to be ex-wife of a little over seven years and I have had an extremely intense and mostly happy relationship. Our sexlife was extremely active for the most part, other than droughts due to medical reasons. I have treated her like a queen to the point where I probably allowed myself to get walked on. We have to boys ages 2 and 6 and she had one from a previous marriage age 11. A little over a year ago we had discussed communication/connection problems and agreed that we needed to make a point to spend more time together. She had just switched jobs and I keep a pretty goofy schedule, but our schedules allowed us to spend plenty of time together. Shortly after this conversation our baby niece died, my Wife spent a lot of time supporting others and doing a lot of things in regards to that. I don’t feel that she ever really dealt with her own emotional aspect of it. She hasn’t slowed down since, a lot of job stress, a friend with lung cancer(she planned and ran an entire benefit for her), and helping people through various crises. I grew resentful that she wasn’t around but instead of saying anything I shut down. We became close friends with another family through her and a woman she works with becoming best friends. We spent a lot of time with them through out the summer and I assumed that we were still happy, I was urged to go to a lot of social events with her, but she still wasn’t around a whole lot. She had a hysterectomy in June and ever since she went back to work things have been different. Once recovered she was all over me, but she still would be gone a lot, she would go and sleep at her friends house, and just not be home. Her friends family and ours basically became a double family with my wife and her husband not being around a whole lot. I developed feelings for the best friend but never acted on them. We found out in early September that the other families 2 year old has Leukemia and we both spent a lot of time dealing with various aspects of that. The last month has been hell, I have been uneasy about the relationship as she seemed to be planning things or not telling me about things until there was no way I could attend. I had confided in the bestfriend and she constantly reassured me, I felt that for a while we had been the only support network for each other so I trusted her. Then Friday the 14th the bombshell was dropped. She told me that she loved me but hadn’t been in love with me for 5 years, and I had to know that this was coming as she had suspected my feelings for the best friend. She told me that this had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that she wasn’t in love with me and wanted to be alone and independent she said that she didn’t want to work anything out it’s over and now our conversations need only be about our children. She said that she was happy now and it felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. I had suspected feelings between her and another guy which she had always reassured me was just the guy being there for her, because she needed me to be there for the best friend. I had again asked her about the other guy and she admitted to feelings between that both of them, she maintained that she hadn’t cheated on me but if she wouldn’t have left probably would have and declared the marriage over. I was a mess and she just left to go hang with her friends and new boyfriend like without missing a beat. She is moving out on Friday (my birthday) and she only wants to talk about business and the kids, we are doing this amicably but every attempt to try do “talk to her” or email her is met with rejection. I try to convince myself that she wasn’t in love with me but every time I get close something pops into my head. I came clean with my feelings for the best friend and thought I made it clear that they were gone before any of this happened and that I was ashamed of them but my wife was never there. That is the only thing that gets any emotion out of her as it relates to us. Other than that she is either emotionless or cruel to me. She maintains that she hasn’t been in love with or attracted to me for a year(it changed somewhere along the line). She is moving so fast I am actually worried about her because her friend with lung cancer is close to passing and my wife is going to crack when it happens. She maintains that she is happy now, but I have been through this with her before when we split up for a time before we got married. She has made sure to twist a lot of my words around to the best friend who I depended on to much on Sat and Sun and has tried to use the fact that everything I said got back to her. The best friend was also my best friend but now will not talk to me out of loyalty to my wife and anger over my feelings for her. I have admitted my part in this, but she continues to paint me like a psycho in my dealings with both her and best friend. I know that she is sleeping with boyfriend and it kills me, I know that this divorce isn’t right but we went to prose on Thurs and I had to drop the paperwork on Friday. I originally said I wouldn’t but she said that she would just take the day off and do it herself, we are joint filing. I need for her to save her leave time for when lung cancer friend dies, because she is going to need it. I don’t understand how things got to be such a mess, and there are so many other things that race in my mind. I am, however, in a better place than I was even six months ago because I have spent the time alone reflecting on myself, she has not been alone one night since last Friday and she says that when she said she wanted her independence and to be alone she ment away from me, and that she still wanted companionship, and that she hadn’t had it for a long time. I would call in sick to sit home with her all the time, that’s nuts. I am looking forward to my life happy with myself and would rather have her with me through it, but I don’t know how to do this when she will not communicate with me and maintains that she has told others about this as far back as a year ago. There are many people that can believe that she was unhappy but not with me or not in love with me, and I just have so many of the little things in my head that just won’t allow me to believe that. There is just so much that I know about her, I feel that this can’t be right but if the last few months were any indication of what our life was going to be like then I’m not sure this is a bad thing. I think that this was already a good thing for me because something had to change, I have woke up and got my spark back. I think what would like to see is her willingness to work on this. The only people that she spends time with are a circle of friends that haven’t really known her for a long time. All of our friends that have known us are shocked and will not believe that she doesn’t even have feelings now. The only things I know at this point are that I Love Her and I am worried about her, and this whole mess really really sucks. I have fought this for a week and I know it has only pushed her further away, she is leaving on Friday. What can I do, I can't find the book.
Tomorrow it will be 2 yers since the dropping of the bomb. Time goes so fast once you get to be my age, I will be 32 on the 28th(which will be the 2 year anniversery of XW moving out.....nice girl). In 2 years it went from ILYBINILWY and you're a great guy but it's just not there to I hate you, you are a horrible father, and the list goes on and on and on and on and on. I look at that first post, and I remember how I felt while typing it.... Scared, alone, anxious. I wanted it all to happen so fast. I have gotten better in some aspects of my life, worse in others. But over all I am doing OK. Which is good, because lately S8 isn't. XW went from(2 years ago), he is fine kids are resilliant to(2 weeks ago) he has ADHD he needs meds. Me, his doctor, the C and his teacher do not believe he has ADHD or needs meds and his C thinks he has issues stemming from the D. XW and OM talk about me non stop, it's never nice. OM has gotten all up in my grill about how I raise my kids, XW has told lies and made nasty accusations about me. So I guess in comparason, I am better off than I was 2 years ago, I know I am OK(Dear reader, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY BE TOO!!!) but it was a long and difficult road. Not so sure how hunkydory things are over at the love shack though. They will be married in April, then I bet it will pick up.
K back to me now. I am in a new house. Slow but sure the whole Photography thing seems to be taking off. I am dating....kind of. I party a little too much, but am getting better(or else just sick of it). I am at a crossroads in my job. So I guess I am probably like any other 32 year old dude hopefully. There are times that I miss my family the way it was(especially StS13), but I also know that I never would have come out of the downward spiral I was on if not for the seperation at least(I will never admit the D was a good thing). The main thing that I learned is that as long as I "let go" and give it to God, no matter what the problem is, I always end up OK, not always perfect or the best, but always at least OK.
I was messed up for a long time. I am even(as in straight) now, grounded. I had help on this board it was a life line for so long and Amy, Frank, and Faith, I will never forget you. You guys are awesome friends. You are the best.
Last edited by blyndfaith; 10/13/0707:32 AM.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
