Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

[DaveJ]

So I am very down right now. Don't know what in the world is going on. Went to China for a week to visit a slowly fading grandmother, probably the last time I'll ever see her. Everyday I called the W to see how she's doing with the kids and talk to the kids and etc. Very pleasant conversation. Usually lasts almost an hour. Comes back today. Had about 2 hours of sleep on a super long flight. W and kids picked me up at the airport. One thing led to another talked about how she didn't miss me at all the entire week. That supposedly she clarity on some stuff and that she's done wants a divorce. She's happier without me and she doesn't see things ever working out. WTF? She said that after 7 years she doesn't think I can change and she doesn't believe I can just flip around and love her for all of her just like that and she probably won't ever believe that. How the heck am I suppose to show her I'm a different person when she doesn't even give me the time of the day to do that? Since the kids are just fine when I was gone, she things that the divorce won't be a problem for them at all. I guess her T has told her to stop stringing me along if she has made up her mind.

Let's not even talk about her anger and resentment. She thinks the major issue that won't make the M work is that our personality aren't compatible. She thinks we rushed into our marriage and she never thought about all this. She says she's not physically attracted to me any longer. Ok, let's talk about personality. How "fun" am I suppose to be after 2 kids and having absolutely no life outside of this family? The caring of my daughter completely burned me out when I had to take care of her as a new born, my son as a 2 year old, and my wife suffering a severe case of postpartum. Now I'm just boring old Dave. Can't laugh or joke or be goofy. Yeah I'm somewhat of an introvert, but I wasn't boring enough for her to marry me.... We have not gone out on a date or had a private vacation for 4 years. And by the time we started to, it was too late for her. And how much fun am I now that I can't have much to do with her? So she doesn't like the way I talk to her. She feels like I talk down to her and make her feel stupid. Well, that certainly isn't my intention and I don't want her to feel like that. Well, I'm sorry that that's the way my father did it and it's ingrained in 31 years of my life. Having an job that's engineering/computer based doesn't exactly help either when you spend most of the time proving people wrong. I am trying to change, give me a chance. She's writing us off w/o even letting me have some time to show her the changes. Are those two things really deal breakers when I am honestly trying to improve? And the physical attraction thing. Obviously it's there when we got together. So I was more physically fit back then. Well, I'm working on getting back in shape. Well, I weigh less than she does, nothing I can do about that. That's her problem she needs to get over with. If she wants me to gain weight, then let me move back in and stop the all the nightmare/stress I'm in. According to her, we have passion when we have sex. I don't get how you can have amazing and passionate sex and then turn around and tell me that there's no physical attraction. Can a woman please enlighten me on this?

Also, all of sudden she thinks that even though she believes I am genuinely sorry for what I've done, I have not own up the responsibility for hurting her. She thinks that I did them because I was a jerk but I keep saying that I didn't know what the hell I was doing and that's avoiding owning up. Well, yes I was selfish, but I certainly wasn't trying to be a jerk and doing it to her just to hurt her. She's the love of my life for crying out loud. Why in the world would I marry her and do those things to her just to make her miserable? I really just didn't know any better. *sigh* She also thinks I will never change from being selfish. Ok....whatever.... And according to her I'm a good person, but good people can be selfish people to. Why is this so hard? I realize I'm being selfish and that's hurting my W, so I stop doing that because that's not what I want. Behavior stopped. Done. I don't get it....

Anyways, that just really puts me in a hole. Here I was all high on hopes. Was really hoping to work on improving my interaction and communication with her and show her I'm different after coming back from this trip. And I get the bomb. I told her before she starts thinking about us please consult me about it and we'll have a talk. So much for that. How the heck is she suppose to know whether things will be different or if things can work without even trying or give some time?

Anyways, I finally managed to talk her into agreeing on reading "When Love Dies How To Save A Hopeless Marriage" by Judy Bodmer. It's written for the WAW basically. It's very Christian based and relies a lot on God, but hopefully it will trigger something different in my W. She said she promises to read it cover to cover with an open mind, unlike all those other books she stuffed in a draw after saying she's interested in reading them to help us but never touched. She said she will think a bit more. I guess a glimmer of hope is that she said she will really think about the November 16th Retrouvaille in Phoenix. How much in advance does one need to register? I'm hoping maybe 2 weeks would be enough? She has also agreed maybe start out with doing fun family stuff to introduce the fun into this marriage again. Hopefully that will eventually lead to some fun couples time for us. She also says she will try really hard to work on believing the things I say (i.e. loving her for all of her and etc) instead of dismissing them like she had done. I told her that the 3 months before I moved out things were really nice when we both honestly gave effort and tried. She agreed. I told her we just didn't give things enough time. It took us 6-7 years to get to where we are and 3 months isn't gonna fix it especially when her heart isn't in it 100% at the time. If we honestly work hard on this, get professional help, and give it time, things would be so much better than that 3 months. She said she'll think about it.

Ok, I think I've ranted enough with little sleep and all this mess just dumped on me. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Or basically just keep acting as if and wait and see how the book goes and if she'll want to sign up for Retro in 2 weeks?