Now I've done it.... again #4?

[nephartiti]

btw, everyone. I finally saw OW. She does exist, but he still says he is not having an A. He just sits at the school all day and then drives off with her. I sat outside the school for two hours on Wednesday, then confronted him once again. He still denies, but, apparently, OW is so afraid I am going to do something to her now that he has been calling non-stop. Actually, he called a lot Wed and Thur. No calls today. I would not answer his calls. I picked up once and gave the phone to S2. That's why I have been fuming. Part of me was still in denial-hoping I was imagining everything like he kept telling me, despite the phone calls and everything.

I didn't want to get yelled at for snooping again, but if I can't be honest, I can't really work through things completely. I felt I needed to do this, I really did. I just couldn't fully deal with things if I wasn't sure. I needed closure, I guess. He can't lie to me anymore. He can't manipulate me by making me think I am crazy and paranoid-that I created all of this. I finally saw her. I finally saw "them." They are a "they". They are not "just friends". Friends don't break up families. Friends don't keep men from their children.

Their R may not be based on anything substantial, but it is an R all the same. It is an R that has torn lives apart. It was weird seeing them together, her leaning on our van like it was hers while they talked on the street. It was so bizarre. I know he used to be my partner, that we used to talk and just be together. He looked like a stranger to me, just as much as she did. They were just a couple on the street trying to decide where they would go for dinner. We hardly exist anymore. I'm sure he would take a do-over if he could. Maybe I would too (as long as I could keep the kids). I just wish he hadn't toyed with me last week with the gifts. I was doing so much better. Now I'm hurting all over again, and I have these material objects as constant reminders rubbing it in my face.

I want to throw this computer against the wall, but, alas, I will not (at least not today).