Alone

[MaxP]

Agent 99 and shell-shocked. Thanks for looking in.

The problem I have at the moment is that I believe her. I really do see no way of coming back from here. It feels like the end. She has been very consistent in what she says and has shown no signs of wanting me or our R since the original bomb and that was 6 months ago. She has remained totally in control. I have seen no signs of her wavering.

What has been so unsatisfying is the difference in what we feel. I still love her and do not understand what has happened. She says she has explained it again (and again) and will not go over the same ground. It's nothing I did or we did. She changed and no longer feels right about us or feels what she should feel / used to feel for me. For her it is that simple. For me it is exceptionally hard to accept that love can die, after lasting so long - but that is what I have to do.

This year has been the weirdest and hardest of my life. It's as if all the events due for the past 15 years have been stored up and sent to hit me in a six month period. It seems like every week another thing happens to shake my world. Any one of these events in the previous years would have been significant, but they just keep coming. It feels relentless and very hard to deal with. I really miss the support of a loving partner.

So I am left not knowing what to do. Not knowing even where to start to assess what I want from life. I find myself in a place where suddenly nearly all my ties to my old world are gone. It really feels like I have to start from the beginning again and I find that thought very frightening. I think that's because I feel like I don't have the energy right now to do that. I want to curl up and let everything wash over me.

Finally, I'm really scared that I will never get over the thought that I love my wife and that she doesn't love me. I don't want that feeling to follow me for the rest of my life like an itch that will never go. I don't want to feel unhappy or feel unsatisfied with my life because this has happened. Why has love worked for so many, but not for me? She is all that I want, but the only thing I cannot have. I guess that is the root of the problem. I can only hope for time to wield it's magic.

So we're back to the thoughts of feeling really lonely. Alone. I cannot have what I really want and have to let it go. I have to look for hope somewhere else. I hope I find it soon.