Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

What is the heck were you doing having sleep overs with your XW for? No excuses about wanting to be with family either, you have not detached.

I'm afraid I don't follow you, Fender. Was there something wrong about my desire to remain close to my XW and kids? I thought that was the whole point of DB--to do everything possible to salvage a marriage on the rocks. I also don't understand your conclusion that I "need to move on and right now", if by that you mean that I should give up all hope of reconciliation before I have even attempted to follow expert DB'ing recommendations and procedures.

You freaked when you found out your single, XW was having out of town sleep overs. So what? You are not married and you haven't accepted the sitch.

I thought I had already addressed the reason for my panic: "...Think about it: that was the first time in about 20 years that either of us had been physical with anyone but each other. Wouldn't that shake a lot of guys up?"

There would have been no freak out at her place if you hadn't been there in the first place. This behavior is so not DB.

Again, I don't understand. Why was it wrong for me to be at my XW's house? I already explained that we were on pretty friendly terms, with her allowing me to stay there for several months off & on since our divorce. Do you also advise azhira to "move on and right now"? After all, she has a similar situation to mine: she shares a bed with her XH.

Something else, it is your opinion that you are the better mate for her. Not your decision.

Never said it was my decision. I absolutely believe it is true, however. No one she will ever meet will have my unique qualifications:
1. Has known my XW as best friend, lover, partner and provider for twenty years;
2. Was happily married to XW for at least 15 years;
3. Is the biological father to XW's children;
4. Is absolutely committed to bringing about the best life possible for XW and our kids;
5. Is determined to fulfill the God-given role as spiritual leader for my family;
6. Is intimately aware of extremely private circumstances in XW's childhood which effect her emotionally on a daily basis;
7. Has sworn before God to love XW unconditionally "as long as we both shall live".

Romantic rivial, if this doesn't tell you that you are not detached nothing will. Do you really view yourself as a "romantic rival?"

Now, I realize that I'm the "rookie" on this site. But I can't help but feel that you're not bothering to read my posts before commenting. I already explained that I read the rules of professional conduct on the Alabama Bar Association website. There is very little doubt that OM's actions would easily warrant an ethics committee review/investigation. Even you should be able to see that it crosses the line by at least suggesting the "appearance of a conflict of interest." I don't know whether my XW considers me a "romantic rival" or not; however, OM evidently does or he would not have given her free, long distance legal advice about how to remove me from the picture. (I still have his email messages as evidence, incidentally.)

Kind of hard to defend yourself against accusations of obsesive behavior when you provide her enough ammo to take you to court.

This may be the only valid point made in your post. I have already acknowledged--here and to my wife--that my blitzkrieg of voice messages, email, and text messages was stupid and counterproductive. The feeling that I might have permanently alienated her is what contributed to my desperation and depression. Which is why I had hoped to be told by others here that, as bad as my situation is, it's never too late to save my M. I recognize that there are no guarantees, especially at this late stage of the game. But I'm willing to start doing the right things (for a change) to give myself the best chance for success.

Try this website, you are in serious need of detachment. http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

Thanks for the reference; I will check it out.

BTW, I had been with my STBXW for over 24yrs when she bailed on me. I know what it is liked to be replaced by OM. Get over it before you ruin the rest of you life.

Fender, I am truly sorry to hear about your pending divorce. I, of course, don't know any of your particulars, so I don't know how similar your situation is to mine. Regardless, I'm not ready just yet to "throw in the towel". I hope I will know (if the time comes) when to "get over it", well before it begins to ruin the rest of my life.