Sorry, this sucks, doesn't it? Looking back, there was a point I wish I had 'encouraged' xh to move out sooner. lol We both started to calm down a lot after the immediate pressure was off.
Maybe your timeline for him is too short?? I'm not saying you made the wrong choice, just suggesting it really may be difficult for him to get it figured out so quickly.
I do think you should stick with it. Otherwise, you lose credibility. Did you tell him you wanted to D? Or just that, if he didn't want to work more on the M, he had to go? Because I find this telling:
Quote:
He said he has worked on this M
It's hard to say. Depending on how you phrased your try-or-move-out-stance, he may be defending himself here, or even, in his own way, been trying to talk you out of it.
I really hope i haven't messed up. I just went with my gut instinct that was telling me he was stopping for the wrong reason, he was living a single man life in a marriage. He's not only messed with my head but that off my d's and friends i have told.
I'm not sure if he was trying to talk me out of it, I think it's caught him off guard b/c its on my timeframe and not his. I get the feeling he will be right as rain and getting on with the life he wants very shortly.
D has never ever been mentioned. I just said to him that I would give him until Saturday to find somewhere to live and the only wasy he was staying in the house past this time was if he wanted to do what it took to work at M. He said his feelings were unchanged, life was too short and he wanted a chance to be happy.
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Yes, I did calm down after he moved out. It was actually a good thing he moved out. In the moment, it was hard to see that I had wound myself up into needy/jealous/crazy mode again. Time alone, with myself, helped me see that I need to climb out of that hole again.
It wasn't quick, believe me, but I'm glad he moved out.
Quote:
he was living a single man life in a marriage
Oh, I know this point. I had tried patient and understanding for, literally, years. I thought his crisis mode would blow over, like all the other times. Well, after a few months (and this being the third go of it), I began to decide it was totally unacceptable. The only reason I didn't, was because I thought he was doing the juvenile thing of trying to make me do hard job. I should have gone with my gut, and asked him to move out. (I wouldn't have asked for the D, as that wasn't my motive.)
I didn't. I should have, but I didn't. I did suggest he move out, but I didn't force the issue. Ah, well.
Anyway. No, I don't think you've blown it. You're setting healthy boundaries after being understanding for awhile. Your sanity is important, too. It doesn't have to lead to D. Hey, even if it does...well...things could still be far from over. (Look how much time xh and I spend together!)
But, back to my original point. Sometimes they have to see what 'the other side' is to realize they don't want it. You're setting boundaries about what is and is not expected in your M, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I say stick to that, and let it play out for awhile. It certainly doesn't mean the end.
I agree with your point that you made about having to do the hard job. I said months ago that I wouldn't be the one to ask him to leave that he would have to be the one to leave. But, that said, I feel atm that he is selfish and spineless, yes maybe confused, but he has been in control for the last 6 months he confessed that he hasn't had any feelings for me for the last 2 years. My d'ds are in pain & i'm in pain and right now they come first.
H has just asked if he could stay until tuesday as he can't move into his new place until then, i feel like the bitch from hell b/c I said no he would have to find a B & B and I reminded him that this is what he wantd. I hope he finds the grass isn't greener, but he would be too stubborn to admit it even if it wasn't.
A- are you and H back 2gether?
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
he confessed that he hasn't had any feelings for me for the last 2 years
Well, that sounds a lot like alien-speak to me.
Uh, no, we're not together. We're doing this weird faux-R dance, though. Although, in all honesty, our current friendship is much better than our M was a year ago. We are both in a much healthier place. Happy parents = happy baby. And that's my main concern.
That doesn't mean that we might not be at some point. We talk about it a lot. But there is no way I will stand for that nonsense we were going through before. I suspect he never fully finished his crisis, all those other times...he just bounced back home before resolving the noise in his head.
Regardless, he is much happier and healthier person over all now compared to then, and that is the most important thing to me. I would love to still be married to him, but if us being apart means he is happier and healthier...well, then, so be it.
A - sorry i remember your stich now, my head has been elswhere lately.
D Day.......
H got up and asked me what my plans are for today and was talking to me as normal, like it was a normal day??????. What is wrong with him?? This is what HE wants!!
It's going to be a long day, I plan to try and be busy for most of it while he is packing and moving out, then I'll come back and do housework, cook tea and watch tv tonight.
Wish me luck
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Things just seemed to have reached stalemate and although we weren't moving backwards, we also were not making progress and my life was/is on hold. I had to consider him all the time as he was living in the house. I know all he wants is to be friends and everything be amicable, but hell i'm hurting and yes while i want a good r with him, i would like him to feel guilty for the pain he is causing.
H sat down with D's (I wasn't there)and explained he was moving out and why.
I feel as if I am handling it ok, I feel empowered by the fact that I have asked him to leave, rather than it be his choice to go. Hasn't stop me having a wobbly just and having a huge cry.
He said to D's that he has worked so hard and put in so many hours also the pressure from buying the property abroad that the pressure from it all has clouded his judgement and he has lost sight of what was important to him. He told them he loved me but not as a husband should love his wife. He cried while he told them this (very rare emotion for him, so important to mention).
He has just called to speak to s's, we spoke for a bit, I felt he was waffling so ended the call, he sounded very tired and I guess he his feeling an emotional wreck. He is coming round tomorrow evening and sitting the boys down and telling them.
I don't think now that there is any hope of his coming home now. I had to do the dirty job, he was to spineless to do it, but it's what he wanted and i'm sure once the dust settles he will adapt and be happy that he has left.
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
H & I sat down with boys and told them. 3 yr old doesn't understand but 7 year has broken his heart. H handled it very well, I said nothing, only to say that this was not my decision that it was what daddy wanted. H said that he didn't love mommy any more and he would not be living in the house any more.
H was happy to stay around, but I just needed him to be gone, I needed space.
Friend txt me to see how i was, i told her what had happened and also said H seemed regretless and he seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. How the hell it happened i dont know, but H received the txt as well as friend. OMG H was not happy, he said it was the worst w/end of his life and came close to how he felt when his mother died, he said he was gutted that i should critise him as he would never do that to me. He said we just couldn't carried on as we were(bearing in mind, I had to tell him to go)
my head is a mess right now. H is expecting things from me right now that i cant give, he seems as if he is just as beat up inside and expects me to be normal and support this decision and him. i told him i'm hurting as much as him and he mustn't misunderstand everything I say and do as an act of anger and revenge. i just need space and time. I know he won't be coming back.
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
been thinking of you and read your posts yesterday, been praying lots for you, I know this must feel like heck right now, BTDT, so I can only send hugs and tell you you will do OK as bad as it feels now. I'm flooded with work, I'm just lurking now and can't post much. I'm sorry it has been so hard for you, but I think you've done the right thing.
Well, that sounds a lot like alien-speak to me. ================ I agree with azera big time, read over the DB part when people leave their spouses. My H also told me he was never happy, didn't think he loved me, all sorts of things.
THe hardest part is to accept they are gone, to realize that you WILL be alright without him, that you could be happy if he were to never come back.
This separation could help your M as hopeless as it migh seem to both of you. Will post more as time allows, just know that you will be ok. Give yourself permission to grieve away from the kids, give the little 7yr old lots of hugs and tell him how u and his dad still love him.
Things a bit better here, H acting human LoL, a bit nicer, though the over pict is the same.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
