Are we DBing or what?

[trytoohard]

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I am so blessed and totally in love with Jesus Christ. I have learned that we all have a spirit that is meant to be thrilled and to really live life. Most people will tell you that to be thrilled you need another human being to be involved or some life-threatening situation. I am here to tell you that there is nothing more thrilling than recognizing your faults and the damage you have done and forgiving yourself for it. Forgiving your spouses for their faults and the damage they have done is harder and is an almost continuous process. I said I forgave my H many times for many different offenses but I didn't really forgive him for most of his offenses until just recently. WOW! What a difference!

I am in a Beth Moore bible study at church right now and she speaks of God's love for us and how we are meant to be thrilled by our very life. The rivers of abundance that He has provided for us get dammed up by our search for happiness and intimacy in people or things, both of which will let us down.

I have had moments of pure joy and happiness that I have not experienced since early in my marriage once I learned that I am so very blessed. Once I learned that this process was necessary for me to find TRUE happiness and once I learned that God's grace is abundant and sufficient. Even for a sinner like me.

Will we reconcile? I don't know. If H comes through therapy and realizes that he can and will live better without me then I will respect his right to decide for himself how he wants to live his life. My heart is not wide open to him, won't be for along time I'm sure. My heart is wide open to Christ however and I haven't been happier in over 15 years.

I do know that my H doesn't want to loose me as his wife right now and he is working so hard with therapy. H still does not go to church often as he is struggling with feeling unworthy and full of shame. I do not shove religion on him, I do conduct myself in a manner that is pleasing to God however and H pays attention.

I still come under attack, have moments where I allow myself to wonder if he has seen or talked to OW, moments when I think of all the lies he told and the damage done to our kids. Thing is I recognize these times as attacks and quickly put them to a stop.

This is real standing brothers and sisters. Spritual legs strong underneath me to support my weak mortal ones.