I started DB'ing almost 2 years ago and thought that DB'ing was all about 'standing' for my marriage.
What I have learned from the books and the great people on these boards is that DB'ing is about 'standing' for yourself.
We were two weeks from D being final in January, H "in love" with ow and couldn't wait to move on. I was detached and working on healing myself when H asked to hold off on D.
My first thought was "I'm not standing any more" and then it hit me "Standing means ON MY OWN TWO FEET! Standing for myself and my growth. Standing on the rock of God's Word, just me and the Holy Spirit."
Standing for your marriage does not mean standing in your spouse's way as they make whatever decisions they feel is right for them, even if we think it's like jumping off an overpass.
Standing for your marriage does mean you need to get your OWN legs underneath you so YOU can stand and you can decide for yourself what is best for you.
When I started standing on my own legs, going my own wonderful way with the help of God did my stand for my marriage really begin.
H and I now see each other several times a week, spend alot of weekends together, see our therapist individually one week and together the next and no talk of divorce any longer. In fact, H told our T last week when asked where he sees our relationship going "well, I know it's not headed toward divorce court. I guess we are working on reconciliation."
I am a better wife, mother, employee, friend and absolute devotee to Christ because of the events of the past several years. I have been sifted like wheat through all of this and now wouldn't trade this experience for anything because...
I am standing for myself with my own physical and spiritual legs underneath me. My H is intrigued by me, wants to spend time with me, is working so hard on himself because he wants what I have, this quite strength and peace that replaced the confused, angry woman I was.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
TTH. It always amazes me that everytime I am really down and about to throw in the towel I come here and suddenly see yet another person who has (or is trying) reconciled when at the brink of D. I'm going down that lonely path right now and it is always good to hear stories like yours.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
You are both clearly being blessed by God with a chance at a best life. It says nothing about the life so far being wrong, just not the best it can be. Wonderful to see that changing for both of you.
May you both continue to be wrapped lovingly in His arms.
I agree ACJ. It would be good for others to see this on some of the other threads since there has been a lot of discussion that the restoration of marriages is rare.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I am so blessed and totally in love with Jesus Christ. I have learned that we all have a spirit that is meant to be thrilled and to really live life. Most people will tell you that to be thrilled you need another human being to be involved or some life-threatening situation. I am here to tell you that there is nothing more thrilling than recognizing your faults and the damage you have done and forgiving yourself for it. Forgiving your spouses for their faults and the damage they have done is harder and is an almost continuous process. I said I forgave my H many times for many different offenses but I didn't really forgive him for most of his offenses until just recently. WOW! What a difference!
I am in a Beth Moore bible study at church right now and she speaks of God's love for us and how we are meant to be thrilled by our very life. The rivers of abundance that He has provided for us get dammed up by our search for happiness and intimacy in people or things, both of which will let us down.
I have had moments of pure joy and happiness that I have not experienced since early in my marriage once I learned that I am so very blessed. Once I learned that this process was necessary for me to find TRUE happiness and once I learned that God's grace is abundant and sufficient. Even for a sinner like me.
Will we reconcile? I don't know. If H comes through therapy and realizes that he can and will live better without me then I will respect his right to decide for himself how he wants to live his life. My heart is not wide open to him, won't be for along time I'm sure. My heart is wide open to Christ however and I haven't been happier in over 15 years.
I do know that my H doesn't want to loose me as his wife right now and he is working so hard with therapy. H still does not go to church often as he is struggling with feeling unworthy and full of shame. I do not shove religion on him, I do conduct myself in a manner that is pleasing to God however and H pays attention.
I still come under attack, have moments where I allow myself to wonder if he has seen or talked to OW, moments when I think of all the lies he told and the damage done to our kids. Thing is I recognize these times as attacks and quickly put them to a stop.
This is real standing brothers and sisters. Spritual legs strong underneath me to support my weak mortal ones.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
TTH, I am learning that in my life now as well. I know how much it freaks some people out when people start talking like that and how much they think someone has lost their mind but it is true what you have said. Over and over I see how much people say that they are trying to find happiness when they will not be able to find it in people or things. Our spouses are trying to do that and it isn't working too well for them.
This has been a very humbling experience to me and even with all the bad things that have happened in losing my wife, I have to say I am an extremely fortunate person to have a relationship with God and He has blessed me with my children and so much more in life. Not placing my wife as the center of my happiness has been liberating in many ways for me. I am the same way with my wife where it is up to her to seek a relationship with our Lord so I say nothing to her.
I give her the space she wants and let her make her own choices.
Thanks for the courage to state this.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
trytoohard, it is SO good to hear from you. I remember you very well. You sound fantastic and I am so pleased to hear that your H haulted the D. I think what DB'ing really comes down to after a while is a change in attitude. We discover we don't need our H's to survive. At first it feels like we will die without them, but eventually with time and prayer, we learn otherwise. And it is then that our H's take notice and want to be around us more (or at least realize they made a mistake). Hugs to you and I hope it works out the way you want.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks for posting your story. You are truly an inspiration to all of us who have not gone to the lengths you did! We have no guarantees that our situations will turn out like yours, but I am so happy for you and your spouse that it has turned out the way it has.
