NikkiB #21

[NikB]

Thanks RedHeadWoman, Stubborn, Disillusioned, jak, Oldtimer, Agent99.

Your support means so much to me. I promise to look in on all of you when my head is clearer. Thank you for being here when I need you all so much.

To address some of the specifics..

Stubborn
I wish I believed he's a fu*ktard, it would hurt less. We both deserve better than this though, that much I know. Thank you for the rant though, it made me smile. And that shovel idea... hmmm.. don't tempt me.

The house is a major sore spot. Legally wise, I've been on the title/mortgage from the beginning. I feel guilty about the $10k down payment, which he'd been saving for a long time even before we moved in together. He also put in more "sweat equity." Legally wise he may have a case for the $10k... not sure on the rest.

We also bought right before real estate went absolutely nuts, so the house has almost tripled in value. Normally a good thing, but it means we have so much equity that it's going to be very expensive for either of us to buy the other out. Other assets would be relatively clear and easy to split, but the house is a big deal because it's worth so much more. (even if I concede on the $10k... it's a drop in the bucket compared to the equity increase)

The thing is he has decided - he wants to be here, in the house. He has made it quite clear he is not leaving, but he doesn't want to be with me. The choices I see are: 1. stay here where I'm not wanted until he legally forces me out; 2. get out.

Are there other options I am missing??

I can't afford to rent and continue to split bills/mortgage payment so me leaving gets complicated. I think it'd require me to file for at least legal sep if not D, to get a financial agreement in place and protect myself.

Keep telling him that if he wants to talk "legal actions" then he needs to take some action (instead of moping around looking for your sympathy, F-tard!)

Do you think this is smart? Or is it smarter for me to be the one to start any legal action? He's made it pretty clear he needs at minimum a clear, full separation to figure things out (and I need the same, I'm finally realizing). I feel like waiting for him to make the move on this, or demanding that he do it, isn't the right way to go.

But I'm so confused. All advice is definitely welcome.

And thank you for pointing out how weird it is for H to be looking for sympathy from me on his decision to be with me... reading it that way I see how twisted that is.

Oldtimer
Thank you for the hug.

"Quit accepting comfort from the person who is hurting you. It really is not healthy."

Yeah... I know this.. it just feels so damn good to be in his arms, but ultimately it is making things worse on me.

A question for you (or others reading) since I know you're thinking a helluva lot more clearly than I am right now:

Take next week off. Pack a bag, your bike, and go on an adventure. Priceline hotel rooms, stay at a hostel, whatever. Don't discuss it with H. Send an email or text message once you are on the road, and then IGNORE him. Focus on yourself.

Next week off, done. I finally told my work what's going on and they were extremely supportive. Told me take next week off and not even think twice about it, and let them know if I need more time. They have leave programs and stuff that I could use.

Although the adventure sounds pretty fun, I am wondering if it would be better to take this time to work on logistics. Meet with a lawyer, start getting paperwork together, video tape the house and contents, find a place to live, and work on getting out of here. H will be at work so I'd have the house to myself all day most days.

What do you think?

I am SO glad I listened to everyone here and signed up for that prepaid legal service back in January.. had I stalled this wouldn't be covered because there's a 6 month "waiting period" for any sep/D stuff. $25 a month... should save me a fortune if this ends up in D.