Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I am very near the "breaking point"! I desperately need to hear from someone out there who has successfully reconciled after being divorced for a year or longer.

My WAW left more than 2 years ago. Our 18-year marriage ended in divorce in May 2006. I have been gradually spiraling out of control for months, but I'm now in a rapid nosedive.

This August, my 46-year-old XW decided to start dating again. My depression [technically, I have an "adjustment disorder"] began when I learned that she had posted her profile on Yahoo! Personals. She was overwhelmed with responses, so she discontinued the ad as of end of September. The most important criteria for her new mate was that he be a "Christian who conducted himself as a gentleman"; age 40-55 with a sense of humor, loves the outdoors, doesn't smoke or drink, and would treat her and our two kids with respect. (That's me to the letter!)

She has dated at least 6 men (that I know about), but seems particularly interested in a 56-year-old corporate attorney who lives about 100 miles away. I know she has spent at least a week with him, although she tried to hide it from her family and me--and especially our kids.

This behavior is so out of character for her! My reaction was emotional and critical. I made all the typical mistakes: bombarded her with accusatory emails and text messages, pointing out her hypocrisy and naivety. The guilt trip approach got me worse than nowhere. She had an "ex parte" temporary restraining order served on me for "harassing communications".

I'm seeing a psy-doc who has me on new AD meds, but after three weeks I'm not much improved. I can hardly bear this pain. For the sake of my 12 year-old son and 17 year-old daughter, I have to be strong. But I don't know how much longer I can hide the fact that I'm falling apart.

There's obviously much more to my story, including support for my belief that--despite the negative picture I drew of the situation--our marriage can be salvaged (with a lot of good advice from some like-minded optimists). But before I can muster the mental energy to document any details, I simply have to hear somebody tell me sincerely that it is possible.

Please don't bother responding if you have already determined that I need to "move on", "get a life", or have "more realistic goals". I already wasted $150 an hour to hear that from a psychotherapist who was only interested in teaching me "coping skills". (She was totally unfamiliar with the concept of divorce busting, and explained that both she and I were powerless to influence anyone else's [my XW] behavior.)

I'll decide when my situation is no longer worth the trouble to continue fighting for. But I don't see it happening without giving my best efforts first. I want to try the 3-session DB Coaching approach, as soon as I can get the $. I only wish I had known all the DB techniques two years ago.

Of course, I pray constantly. I already learned that we don't get to specify how God solves our problems--or when. I have switched from the "God, bring my wife back" prayer to the "God, your will be done--whatever that entails" version. I do have absolute faith that He will bring us a solution. I'm just not sure yet that it does not include the possibility of reconciliation.

Our kids support my stated wish of winning back the affections of my X. They're quite uncomfortable with the current situation, and want to live with me if my X decides to hook up with one of her new boyfriends. My daughter is already old enough to make that decision for herself. She is an angel, who--thanks to her strong Christian faith--seems to be dealing with the divorce as well as I could have hoped. But I'm very concerned about my son. He was such a smart, funny, happy-go-lucky boy until this summer. His A-B grades are now C-D. He has developed a smart-alec attitude that we haven't seen before. To me, it's obvious that he needs his Dad around full-time.

I think my XW realizes that the divorce has hurt the kids and me, but she won't acknowledge it. Unfortunately, she grew up in a very dysfunctional family, in which she suffered childhood sexual abuse at the hands of an older step-brother. Her own father and sister have been of no help. He has been in denial about my XW's emotional troubles (PTSD; chronic dysthymia) for years, and my sister-in-law helped convince my XW that I was to blame for her migraines and anxiety.)

I'll confess up front that, because I didn't know any better at the time, I have pretty much completely alienated my XW by quoting Scripture to point out the sin of her actions. Boy, was that stupid! I do believe that her behavior is sinful, but that message coming from me is counterproductive. (So, I'm a dreamer and a slow learner.)

I can't seem to find the right words to reach my X. I'm reading Divorce Remedy, but I hope it isn't too late. I sent her a long text message on 10/7 in which I apologized for everything I have said and done over the past two months. I acknowledged that I have only succeeded in pushing her further away from me. I concluded by assuring her that from this point forward, I would honor her desire to break off all further communications between us except to discuss the kids. I wrote that, just because she won't be hearing from me any longer did not mean that I had "gotten over" her or had stopped loving her. I told her that I would continue to think about her every day, but that I would leave her alone. (I couldn't resist a parting shot that I doubted that she would actually be 'alone' most of the time.)

I hope I haven't botched any possibility of ever reaching her again. Even if you believe that I screwed everything up, please find something encouraging to tell me. I don't know how I would react to a "just give her up and move on" message coming from members of this forum--which may be my last bastion of hope.

[azhira]

Okay, here's the thing.

Right now, she can date whomever she wants. She is single. You know this. I'd say she's made it pretty loud and clear that she wants you to leave her alone. (Restraining order.) So, leave her alone. You really can't make her do anything.

I know you know this. So, stop telling her she's sinning, stop paying attention to her dating life. I'd even say stop initiating any unnecessary contact at all.

Okay?

What you can do is focus on yourself and your issues. As in, why are you pushing her so much? Try to understand her feelings, and her side. Again, she is single and has been single for quite some time now.

So, the idea is for you to work on yourself, and leave the door open for something in the future. It will then be up to her if she wants something more.

Make sense?

[ford]

Heyya DMW

sure it's possible, how probable, I'll leave that to the odds makers.

you already know that the actions of late pushed her away, so, make yourself stop. when you see her, act as happy as pie, and leave the judgemental stuff behind. put a shock collar on if you have to when you get the urge to slip in a zinger. you need to get used to the reality that she is single now.

you need to not focus on her, focus on you and your kids, keep the X out of the equation.

there was a poster a day or so ago who got divorced a couple of years ago, no contact with his x, he did move on, he was hurting very badly, then, the reason for his recent post was, his X wanted to come back. so yes, it does happen, but you need to make yourself attractive to her again, being confident, strong, and if you really want her back, you need to leave the past behind.

she'll have no interest in getting judged.

am I making sense?

I wasn't very good at forgiving, so I can't help you there, but a lot of good folks on here can

do a lot of reading on the boards, a lot of good stuff. but above all, work on you, not to get a reaction fromher, but an honest inventory or yourself and do what you can do change the bad and improve the good.

lemme know if this made any sense to you

[ford]

wow az, you posted while i was two finger peckin! lol

[Just_Me]

Please don't bother responding if you have already determined that I need to "move on", "get a life", or have "more realistic goals". I already wasted $150 an hour to hear that from a psychotherapist who was only interested in teaching me "coping skills". (She was totally unfamiliar with the concept of divorce busting, and explained that both she and I were powerless to influence anyone else's [my XW] behavior.)

Dead man walking,

You might be in the wrong place. I probably should have been one of those that "didn't bother posting", but I couldn't help myself.

First of all, you are divorced. Your wife is single now. She can date anyone she wants, so it really doesn't make sense that you would say anything to her about it.

Secondly, I don't know how long you've DBed, but you maybe missed the point and also missed what your counselor told you. You are still under the impression that you can say something that will make her love you. Based on your post, you are desperate and needy at this point. You won't be told to "get a life", you just want a plan that will get her back. You want to control what she does. Do these sound like attractive qualities? She won't come back to a desperate, needy person. That's why you've been given the advice you have. You can reconcile, but if you want to increase your odds, then you need to start moving forward.

Lastly, yeah, reconciliation is possible, but you really do need to focus on yourself. You've been told to "move on", "get a life", "let her go", and unfortunately, there is truth to the statement that if you love something that you have to let it go. Holding on tight and refusing to have a complete life of your own isn't going to influence her to come back. Instead of snooping on her Yahoo personals profile, why don't you focus on your own life for awhile and let her live hers. Make the most of the opportunities that you do talk.

[Dead Man Walking]

ford:

Thanks a ton for your response. Yours is exactly the type of message I had hoped to see. Your advice is quite reasonable.
I know that you are right on about the negativity and judgmentalism being a turn-off. I wish I had a shock collar two years ago; I might not be in this situation.

We still have not received the Family Court Judge's final ruling on the ex parte order I was hit with. I suspect that it will restore my visitation rights with my kids, but it may sustain the "no contact" provisions for my XW. Accordingly, In the past week, I have limited my contact with my X to one short text message, sent last night.

I sent her a note apologizing for all my "nasty-grams", acknowledging that they were stupid and counterproductive. I invited her to call me directly whenever she needed to talk about the kids. (She had been using my daughter as a conduit between us.) I promised to be kind and polite. I also asked whether I could do anything to help with regards to some medical problems she has been suffering. It was a complete 180 in tone from everything I had hit her with over the past two months, but I don't want to go too far the other way, lest she see me as too "needy".

I don't have any problem forgiving everything--even though I feel pretty victimized right now. I could even make myself forget; I would be happy to attribute all the bad memories as nothing but a vivid nightmare. (Maybe that shows how desperate I am to get us back together.)

--DMW

[Dead Man Walking]

Just_me:

After re-reading my original post, I recognize that it did come across as desperate and needy. I was so low that I did not want to hear anything except that "it's not too late".

I acknowledge that I have a lot of work to do on myself. But, because I learned about DB'ing so late, I need to learn all the DB strategies and techniques quickly. I read many success stories, but all of them involved couples who were on the brink of separation, or in the process of divorce. I had hoped to pick up some suggestions from others who had successfully reconciled after being divorced a year or more.

Until I heard from those folks, I was too depressed to be able to implement the other suggestions. Of course, I need to improve myself for my own sake--but because my XW only started dating again within the past couple months, I'm feeling a lot more pressure to put a plan together NOW. I want to give her reason to pause BEFORE she gets seriously involved with anyone she is dating.

Recommendations regarding what to say & do, and what to AVOID when I have any interaction with my XW is what I hope to learn first. I know there's nothing that I can say to make her love me at this point. But, if I can at least get her to notice a positive difference in me, that might intrigue her enough not to shut me out completely.

Are these unrealistic expectations?

[azhira]

I sent her a note apologizing for all my "nasty-grams", acknowledging that they were stupid and counterproductive.

Okay. You've said your part. Now, really leave her alone. When she calms down and feels comfortable, she'll peak out. That may be a long, long time.

I was so low that I did not want to hear anything except that "it's not too late".

Great for recognizing that! That's okay...we all have really down days. Now, time to move forward more productively. You'll probably have up and down days.'

But, if I can at least get her to notice a positive difference in me, that might intrigue her enough not to shut me out completely.

That's exactly where you need to be starting from. "Fully reconciled" is a long, long, looong way off. I'd say you need to shoot for "pleasant, short interactions entirely on XW's timing" right now. lol

because my XW only started dating again within the past couple months, I'm feeling a lot more pressure to put a plan together NOW. I want to give her reason to pause BEFORE she gets seriously involved with anyone she is dating.

Not much you can do about it, unfortunately. She will date. She may even get involved.

[Dead Man Walking]

azhira:

Right now, she can date whomever she wants. She is single. You know this.

I mentioned in my original post that there's a lot more to this story. Although she has been single since May of '06, we had managed to stay on pretty good terms during most of that time. As in she let me sleep at her place (usually on the couch) for several months of the past year. Although I have an apartment, she knows how I hate living/being alone. I helped out a lot financially and with the kids, so she was tolerant of my need to be near my family.

...Why are you pushing her so much? Try to understand her feelings, and her side.

Until a couple months ago, she had not expressed any interest in dating anyone. Yes, she is divorced; and yes, I'm quite aware that she can date whomever she wants. That didn't stop me from panicking when I found out about her online profile. (I was confused as to what had brought about her sudden decision to drop me completely from her life after 18+ years.)

The point at which I really fell apart was when I discovered her out-of-town "sleepovers" with a guy she hardly knew. Think about it: that was the first time in about 20 years that either of us had been physical with anyone but each other. Wouldn't that shake a lot of guys up? Unfortunately, I broke down while sleeping over at her place one night. I must confess that I didn't handle that well a'tall (as Andy Griffith would say).

She called her new lawyer/lover as soon as I had left. He gave her specific legal advice about how to keep me away from her, which included calling the police immediately to file a harassment complaint. I have two problems with that: 1) it is clearly a conflict of interest for him to give legal advice to his new lover in order to rid himself of a romantic rival. I confirmed this by checking the rules of professional conduct on the Alabama Bar Association website. I should have filed an ethics complaint, but I decided that, in the long run, it would probably do nothing to make me more attractive in my XW's eyes--although it would have made me feel vindicated at the time. 2) His advice caused my XW to perjure herself in order to slander me. She claimed that I represented a physical threat to her and our kids!

I tried to reason with her in the days before the ex parte hearing. I told her that it would cost me over $3000 to hire an attorney to represent me. That's $3000 that would not be spent on either of our kids' tuition, or to pay off our daughter's braces. What a colossal waste of money she cost us! Initially, she expressed some willingness to drop the complaint. But, evidently she allowed herself to be overruled by either OM or her divorce attorney. (I wonder how much my XW had to pay for her day in court?)

That was what started my series of long, defensive, accusatory emails--several of which she forwarded (with her added commentary) to two guys she was dating as evidence of how "obsessive" I had been to live with. I defended myself against her bogus harassment accusation by reminding her that I have no criminal record. I have lived a "clean" lifestyle: I don't smoke, drink, curse, gamble, do drugs, covet my neighbor's expensive cars or cheat on my wife. Neither do I engage in any kind of violent behavior. (She once complained to her father that I had "thrown a pillow at her". Actually, I threw it against a wall before slamming the door on the way out. That's the extent of my violent tendencies.) I also took advantage of the opportunity to remind her of incriminating email that I had discovered seven years ago which definitely implicated her in at least an EA, if not PA.

There's a lot more muck to be raked, but you get the point. We each made a lot of accusations, and instead of backing off before things had gone too far--as had happened in the past--we just kept pouring it on.

I wish I had been wearing a shock collar, but now the damage is done. I am praying that it isn't irreparable this time. [The hard part about this situation is that I really believe my XW knows that I'm a much better mate for her than her OM--or any of the other guys she has dated/is dating. Trust me--I have been through hell for & with her over the years without complaint.]

[azhira]

Ah, okay. Making more sense to me now. I had gotten a much needier, pushier impression of you...my apologies.

I should have filed an ethics complaint, but I decided that, in the long run, it would probably do nothing to make me more attractive...

There's a lot more muck to be raked, but you get the point. We each made a lot of accusations, and instead of backing off before things had gone too far--as had happened in the past--we just kept pouring it on.

While I see where you're coming from, time to end this back-and-forth exchange. Which I'm sure you know. No need to point out her previous faults or defend yourself against her accusations (except, of course, in the legal sense). Just let her rant and rave.

Of course you're going to look bad in comparison to the New Guy. However, even if you really are better for her...you can't tell her, and she needs to find that out for herself. That may take awhile.

Well, the pillow-throwing may have freaked her out. My xh once threw a shoe, during one of the worst arguments we have ever had. (He said I was 'trapping' him. This was when xow was around...) It wasn't directed at me. He's never hit me, or even come close. But it scared the crap out of me. And that's been almost five years now. I've never seen anything close since, and I do trust him. But it was a terrifying moment--mostly because of the level of his temper.

So...stop reminding her of all the bad things she's done in the past. However true they may be, it's over and done with now. Don't initiate contact. Especially in light of the protective order, it will just reinforce her view of you as the crazy. I know you were on pretty friendly terms, but not at the moment.

Again, leave it to only necessary communications about the kids. Nothing more. No jabs, no 'reminding' her of what she may or may have done. Nothing.

Oh...and I know where you're coming from. My xh and I practically act like we're dating at times. Then, when he pulls back again, it feels very harsh. But, the reality is, we're not. So I shouldn't expect that level of friendliness all the time.