SDF Girl, It's hard to be patient and supportive of our spouses at times, expecially when it involves long-standing patterns that have been neglected.
I've been waiting for 14 years for my W to quit smoking, and to take the initiative to find a job that she enjoys. When they start to show signs of interest in making a change, our role is to provide hope. It involves working with a part of our spouse's personality that is still childlike and vulnerable.
We have to work on softening the side of ourselves that can be judgmental. We have to accept that our spouses have been wounded in some way by life and people. The book that helps me to practice the mindset of unconditional love is "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships," by John Welwood. It's hard to do, but must be done. Our spouses are already being too hard on themselves regarding whatever issues are keeping them stuck. They would like to be higher functioning adults, but don't know how.
Helping an imperfect spouse become whole, and work-thru their demons is one of the hardest things to do in a M, because their issues affect us. We want them resolved now. We want them to grow-up now. Yet to truly help them, we have to provide what they need--validation, support, hopefullness, patience, and loyalty.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
