She asked if I needed help w/ the October payment, and I said "Yes. Besides, you entered into a financial commitment when we purchased the car."
You provoked a bad situation and ill feelings on her part by adding the "besides". You should've just said, "I do need help with it. Thanks for offering." You're acting like her parent by saying what you said -- basically telling her what her obligations are. It was controlling, and was not a wise move (and was completely unnecessary). Learn from this backslide.
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...then, somehow, I'm not sure who started it, but we got into R-Talk.
Next time, be sure that YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T INITIATING IT. Let her initiate, and then simply listen, empathize, and validate her feelings -- WHETHER OR NOT YOU AGREE WITH THEM. They are her feelings about the R, and to earn her respect you must accept them -- not agree with them, but accept them and understand.
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I told her then that I believed that marriag was hard work, and that I had made those vows knowing that - knowing that there would be hard times. But the idea of "for better or for worse" meant that you work through those dark times.
You stopped validating and empathizing when you made this statement. You should've said something like, "I understand how you felt disrespected because of my controlling behavior. Things were difficult and I didn't meet your needs the way I should've. I should've paid more attention to how sad you were in our M and worked harder at being there for you. I'm sorry." This empathizes with and validates her feelings.
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She admits where she went wrong, but still maintains that the amount of control, negativity, and my completely not respecting her as a person are reasons why she can't trust in me in a relationship anymore.
And they are pretty good reasons if you ask me (I was the exact same way with my W). Now you have to be patient and do the work to change these behaviors and show her over a long period of time that you have learned from your mistakes and can be the H she deserves. Time to get to work, my friend! Marathon -- remember?
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Also, she said that in the past year and a half or so, she has [her words] "matured and grown as a person - begun to shine, and come to an understanding of who I want to be, and how I want to be treated" and said to me "you haven't matured or grown at all".
Opportunity to empathize and validate.
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There was alot of back-and-forth talk that didn't go much of anywhere except for her telling me I had been awful to her, and me telling her that I understood that I'd put her through pain, but I had to endure some sh*tty stuff, too.
Good job empathizing and validating here, but as soon as you said "but..." it erased all of the empathy and validating. It isn't time for you to talk about YOUR pain -- not yet. You need to get her to come back before you can discuss your needs and your pain. Doing so now will not help your sitch. You have to put your needs on the backburner for now.
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After the conversation (she had to go because she was already an hour late for work due to it) I took off my ring. It didn't hurt. I drove to work with it off, and only put it back on so I didn't have to answer questions about it being off from people who don't know what's going on.
Either keep it on or keep it off, but make sure you understand why you do either one. I wish I would've kept mine on all the way to D day (took mine off way to early, and did so out of spite). Think about it a good deal before making a decision.
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The conversation itself seemed to say "this is TOTALLY OVER. FOREVER." ...even though she wants to be friends, she proclaims that we could never (yes, she said never) be together again as a couple. She said that our marriage was "broken" and used other synomyms a few times, such as "that's why our marriage failed" (lack of communication/proper handling of situations).
Feelings change, MN, and you have a better chance at this happening if you focus on you, GAL, make your changes, 180s, etc, and SHOW her that you can, will, and are growing from this experience. That's all you can do, and believe me -- things can change! You must stay on track and keep the PMA going though, okay?
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It's going to be a long time before she ever trusts me again, as a person, it feels.
YES IT IS! She's been feeling pain for several years, and it's not going to change just like that. Marathon, brotha... how bad do you want her, how hard are you willing to work and how patient are you willing to be? Honestly ask yourself these questions.
