Nik, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what to say. I honestly don't think I could live like that anymore if I were in your shoes, but I'm not, so I don't know what I would do.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thank you RedHeadWife. I can't live like this anymore.. thought I had the patience, the strength, the whatever-it-is but I don't.
It's crazy, I was so out of it last night I forgot I even posted here... woke up ready to post my update and went "Hey look at that, I already did."
Calling in sick today... thinking about taking next week off. Not to wallow but to figure out what the he!! to do next.
I so thought we could make this work. It hurts so bad to see how it could be a happy M but it isn't, and won't be.
Just when I thought I was detached enough again.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Oh.. and how crazy is it that H held me through most of our conversation and again this morning (when I woke up crying)? I held it together fairly well last night for a long time but when I finally lost it, he came and sat with me and held me.
How can someone care as much as he does and choose this anyway?? I guess maybe it just makes him a good guy right? Maybe that's why it hurts so bad. He cares, he can hug me and look at me and hold me, he knows me inside and out, and he STILL doesn't want me. Ouch.
So a quick question for those who read my thread and other forums.. suggestions on where I should go now for advice, support, commiserating, etc.?
We're living together but we're definitely officially not piecing anymore. Don't think we will be living together much longer either, it will just depend on finances, figuring out who's going where, all that. Separated, MLC, Surviving..?? I'm not sure what fits best.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Well, you need to get out of your head ASAP that "he doesn't want me." stuff. I understand how you are feeling about him still "caring" about you, etc., but still able to say he doesn't love you and doesn't want to even try to look at it differently, as in he could if he actually would put the negativity away and realize that it is a choice that he's making.
I guess you need to finally make a decision as to whether you want to keep trying to "help" him to change his mind or see the light or whatever.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm sorry.. my mind is running a mile a minute. One more question.
H tried to get into legal stuff last night. One minute he was telling me "just take everything, take whatever you want" [implied: but get out]. The next it was "I'm going to get screwed over in this and it isn't fair." Got a little bit into how I saved all my money but he bought "us" everything.. stuff like that... not even sure what he was getting at there.
I didn't agree to anything, tried to head it off by saying "Not now, that's all legal stuff" and once said "I'm not going to intentionally screw you over but I'm going to pursue whatever's legal and fair."
Is that the best way to handle it?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thank you redheadwife - your words mean a lot to me right now.
I absolutely need to stop trying to change his mind.. have been trying to do that for a long time and had been doing ok, but I know I messed up a lot last night with the "love is a choice" stuff.
He's so convinced that we wouldn't even be together or married if he "wasn't so passive" (I'm not sure what he means by that). He kept saying he couldn't tell me most of what was in his head because it would hurt too much. The "passive" thing was the closest he came to telling me any of it. I was asking him to tell me more last night but now I'm thinking it doesn't really matter anyway, it's just going to make me feel worse to hear it.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
You are probably right in maybe not needing/wanting to hear all the "details" as far as his thinking goes.
As far as messing up about the "love is a choice" thing, I don't think you messed up at all. Unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way, but I believe it's true -- he is choosing to feel the way he is and w/ his continuing to allow himself to feel/think negatively about you and your M, he is CHOOSING not to allow himself to feel the love for you that he wants to feel/thinks he should feel.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
ok, Nikki, let me rant: he's a fu*ktard and doesn't deserve you. But we've known that for months now so...next step? Continue taking care of you:
Want to talk legal? Did you buy the house together? If, by chance, you had it first YOU ARE NOT LEAVING! If you bought it together you are ok too. Tell him you are not talking legal things except in legal circles and after you've had time to think. It would be cavalier to jump into legal stuff together as you are not "professionals". and why talk legal stuff while you are living together? Tell him you'll talk about legal stuff when you are separated, but so far, he is still there and HE needs to decide where he REALLY wants to be. All of this said calmly and with great confidence, of course, as only Nikki B can do it! This puts all "decisions" in his court and totally keeps you from being any kind of "bad guy" so that what he does he does to HIMSELF! (I'd like to take a shovel to him right about now and you'd like me to, I know!) Keep telling him that if he wants to talk "legal actions" then he needs to take some action (instead of moping around looking for your sympathy, F-tard!)
Don't talk money and if it means walking away and saying "I can't talk about this" or "do what you have to do" so be it. As to where to post you decide because we will all find you wherever you are!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Unbelievable... i feel like I did right after the first bomb.. throwing up, headache, sobbing mess one minute, angry the next, running through "how can I save this" one minute and "how can I get out of here ASAP" the next. (no, I'm not still planning to try to save it, it's jut a thought running through my head)
I'll get through it faster this time right?? god I hope so. this hurts.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki, So sorry to hear the current situation. Don't think I have any advice to give you. You've been working at this a long time, and I can just imagine how draining it has been on you. Just know that there is a big group of caring people here on the boards that support you.
