Well, if that is how he feels or sees it (or would feel or see it), that is incredibly selfish. In fact, that is the very definition of cake eating.
Not sure how he'd see it. Actually, I have a pretty good idea now. H has been really pissy toward me since we had that agreement about not needing to keep sloughing through this stuff. I was relieved, but since then, he's been distant and cold.
Last night he told his parents, and I went out to talk to him when he came back. He said they're okay with it (which I realized was a disappointment to me; hadn't realized I'd been expecting them to be against it, but looking back, I was). I haven't seen them yet since, but will in the next hour or so.
We talked a bit about how to tell the kids. He wants to start off with something like "We've decided it's best to live in two places." All of the things people say you should say, like it's okay to be sad, you didn't do anything to cause this, etc, logically follow bad news, but H isn't thinking of presenting it that way, so I wanted to hear his thoughts.
That opening sentence is about as far as he's got. He started saying a lot depends on me and my reactions, and I took the opportunity to reassure him I would never lay blame to the kids or tell them it was papa's decision, etc.
He interrupted me to say, "I'm not talking about what you'd say, but I wish I could make you think and feel a certain way."
H is concerned that no matter what efforts I make to be neutral and fair with the kids, "they're not stupid," and if I'm still against the S, "cling to the belief that this isn't what [I] want and it wasn't [my] decision," as he says, they'll see through it.
I was floored. First off, I guess I thought he'd say thanks, but he was really aggressive and angry, and pretty much said straight out he wants to control how I think and feel.
I wish I'd said something like, "Yeah, life would be a lot easier if we could do that," but I said, "Well, yeah, I wish I could make you think and feel a certain way, too." He asked what way, and I said, "It doesn't matter. My point is, I'm going to do my best by the kids, and that means not laying blame."
I realized a couple of things. First, all this talking we've been doing, that I thought was holding us together, in a way, was 100% all about H convincing me of his position to the extent that I'd adopt it as my own. Since I'm not doing that, since I "cling to the belief that" it's not my choice, he's p*ssed off.
He was talking finances last night in a much, much more self-serving way, said something about if I moved a guy in the house in two weeks who makes a lot of money, he wouldn't want to continue paying for it, stuff like that. It was a bit scary, but it'll have to be okay.
Second, H firmly believes, and maybe he's right, that I can't possibly be accepting and moving on as long as I believe things could have been different. Actually, I don't think he's right, but he's firm on that belief, so there's nothing I can do about it. When he made that statement about me "clinging" I said, "It is your decision and it's not what I want." Didn't need to do that, but what he said made me feel like I'm just in la-la land. He's incredibly frustrated with me, and man alive, is he unpleasant to be around right now.
Originally Posted By: Nomopo
Originally Posted By: Puddle
You sound like you need a ski trip.
I am so there. You better be, too.
So planning on it. Sounds like a blast. Good times, good times.[/quote]
Glad to hear it!
Originally Posted By: Nomopo
Have you read Homer yet???
No, I left it at my friend's after the camping-trip fiasco and have yet to retrieve it. I will, though. I'm feeling a bit stuck, and could use a good read like this.
I'm feeling pretty crappy about H right now. Since we're on a family vacation, I'll go along and do kid/IL stuff with a smile (unfortunately it's pouring rain today, which feels fitting). Apparently as long as I don't say, "It's my choice, too, and it couldn't have been different," he's going to be frustrated with me.
Maybe it's time to bust out the "You're right, H, it could never work. I want this too!" It's exasperating having someone want you to want something you don't, which must be exactly how H feels.
I'll read Homer. I'm done arguing, even just pointing out my own position. It doesn't matter what I say, what H believes. Right now I just can't wait to get away from him.
