Calling All Cats :)

[RedHeadWife]

How are you doing, sweetie? You keep posting on other's threads, but I'm concerned about YOU and your sitch. (I think a lot of us are)! You've always been so helpful to us in the past, we want to return the favor!

[cat03]

You are a sweetheart!! , thanks for making my day, I wasn't ready to start my own thread but really wanted to vent, so, you asked for it :

Not doing well, seems T is just making my H angrier by the day, maybe he is letting out all he held in during all his life, but he can be so mean.
Whenever, and I mean, 99% of the time I dont' understand something he's said (something very simple, not R talk) he sighs a deep sigh and always gets disgusted. I cannot by any means say anything about how he is treating the kids, I'm blocked with a quick "that was my decision and my judgement" and that's it, he stops me cold.
I ask him to please, let's talk and agree about how we are rearing our kids but he is either in no mood or doesnt' want to talk. I asked him this morn what was my little d doing (I heard him say "no no" several times to her) he said he wans't going to tell me because I will prob put in my 2cents! I had to please ask him a few times to just let me know what she was up to, (this morning she was crying because she wouldnt' see me for the day and it broke my heart, she's never been so sad before I leave for work), she knew she was staying with her dad and told me she already knew they were not going to do anything the whole day (H watches grown up movies or does his things and hopes she will entertain herself pretty much all the time, she is 4)
To keep it light I talk about a game she plays, I didnt' hear one word from his reply and had to ask him 2x what he'd said, the 3rd time he actually screamed the word in my ear. I acted fine and told him he wouldnt' appreciate it if I treated him that way and he agreed, but after we hanged up I wanted to cry.

I sent him 2 TM and he hasn't answered, I told him how our communication is going down to heck and that I couldn't stand this anymore, his unwillingness to try to compromise/talk about the kids and about working on the way we talk to each other, that we need to go the MC. I already called MC, and even if he doesnt' come I'm going. He's accused me of having mood swings which killed me, you can accuse me of ANYthing but of that, made me extra mad because I know ow was the one who was cucko on that dept.

He has no consideration for my feelings at all, if he is mean or hurts me he doesn't appologize, believes appologies are useless or that I might want him to grovel or put him under my thumb so he won't admit to any wrong doing, last time he half @ssed covered himself with "well, I'm about to loose my job".

I've made my peace that he isnt' ready for R talk at all. I'm talking about just plain carrying on a conversation without him treating me like an idiot when I dont' understand one word or without him getting angry if I ask innocently about what he is doing with the kids.

I'm afraid that in the end I would have held up all my affection and love for so long --because he isnt' ready to take it -- that there wont' be much left when and if he is ready. See? that's why Im not posting, it is a very pesimistic view. I'm giving him time, I wonder what will the price be, for acting like a roomate for so long we could end up with such a gap that it will be hard to overcome.
We dont' hug, kiss, sleep together, no words of affirmation whatsoever from him, I try now and then to give him a peck on the cheek and he takes it, or a half hug. After our talk last week he told me he was still dealing with issues about himself, the op, etc and he wans't ready to share the bedroom w/me.
Yes, there are positives, he's more himself at times, jokes, smiles, looks forward to things we'lldo together... I'm just overwhelmed with the negatives for now.

So there, aren't you sorry you asked? he he . Just telling you all helps me not feel lonely, I'm not depressed nor despairing, but I'm not that thrilled either with my current sitch.

[azhira]

cat,

Aren't you glad you got that all out??

Just remember, it's not about you. It's not even really about what he's complaining about. All you can really do is take care of yourself. The MC sounds like a good idea, if you go with him.

[RedHeadWife]

I'm so glad you could get it all out !!! I know that helps a lot. Sometimes just "writing" it out is even better than actually talking to someone about everything.

I really hope he'll go to MC.

And I agree w/ Azhira -- this is all about him and his dissatisfaction w/ himself and he's taking it out on you. Obviously, we know that's not fair, but that's the bottom line. You need to stay focused on keeping yourself sane & remembering that you are the better person here!

[cat03]

thanks girls,I keep forgetting that the venom he spits out comes from a very unhappy place within him.
Yes, it does feel better to whine to you all

[runningoutoftime]

Well keep pouring it out here. It's okay to feel negative and at times everyone does (even over long periods of time). That's real life.

When things seem dumpy do some nice things for you.

Try not to worry too much about how he's parenting the kids. Some men are just not great in this department. As long as the 4-year-old is safe and not out getting kidnapped or dodging cars on a highway it's not too bad. I understand about those adult movies. When the Matrix first came out my husband would watch it almost every day and my son at around 6 or so could recite almost every line from it and wanted to be called Morpheous!

One good thing.... the kids are in the same house with you and you don't have to worry about OW keeping them entertained. That's positive!

[cat03]

my son at around 6 or so could recite almost every line from it and wanted to be called Morpheous!

that's hilarious! sorry :P , it is a bit funny. My son watched Star Wars so much he also knew the dialog by heart when he was 6. Now he pesters me to watch Terminator since my H let him watch it a few times, oy!

thanks gal, I'll get back on the horse soon

[runningoutoftime]

I remember my son going through the whole Terminator thing too. He knew most of the lines from that as well. I noticed that other parents didn't seem too shocked about my son seeing the Terminator, but Matrix... well.... they'd look at me like I was crazy. Oh well... second child...

I'm much more protective about these kinds of things, but I've learned to let go somewhat as they've gotten older. I realize I just can't control everything. Heck, we didn't even have regular T.V. for 12 years while the kids were little!!!! Where we live you need cable to get any reception and I just didn't feel it was worthwhile, or that we watched enough T.V. to validate getting it. When we first got married we were very young, working full time, in college, and trying to pay a mortgage, so we didn't want to spend the extra money on T.V. And then when we had the kids I felt it was better that they read and develop their imagainations.

Then, when my daughter was in Jr. High she started begging for "regular television." I told her if she got straight A's we'd get it.... well she did so we ordered cable. And then it was like going from Barney to MTV!!!! Social shock!!!!

Now, of course, my husband will take my son to movies that are completely inappropriate and he's the only kid in the theater!!!!!!! Ugh....

[saffie]

My H is just the same with my son - child no.3. And my 4th child - a daughter - well she knows far too much for her years!!!!! You just have to pray that they are discerning enough that they don't come out with the wrong thing at the wrong time!!!!

Saffie

[runningoutoftime]

I think if you are educating your kids and paying plenty of attention to them, they can deal with the things they are exposed to much more wisely. My daughter is a reader and reads a lot of literature. Some literature (like D.H. Lawrence, or Clockwork Orange, etc...) has some pretty adult themes. My daughter is very aware of everything, but she still makes super healthy choices, avoids negative situations and kids involved with negative things.