Isn't trust-building a process? Like walking out on the ice, testing it with your foot? The word "trust" covers so many different areas?
I used to say of one of my dearest friends (and it was literally true): "You would trust him with your life, but you wouldn't trust him to return a library book on time."
What exactly does GP mean by wanting you to trust him (yeah, I get the dark alley thing, but I want a literal answer not a metaphorical one)?
Isn't trust-building a process? Like walking out on the ice, testing it with your foot? The word "trust" covers so many different areas?
I used to say of one of my dearest friends (and it was literally true): "You would trust him with your life, but you wouldn't trust him to return a library book on time."
Good point. Was your friend a Type 7? I would say that nobody is perfectly "trustworthy" but maybe people can at least be self-aware and honest about the ways in which they might be weak. Like a little "May be slippery when wet" sign about your functioning. For instance, I always try to be honest and open about my tendencies towards absent-mindedness, procrastination and instant acquisition of deafness when inquiries about who ate the last cookie are bandied about.
GP came right out and told me that he cheated on one of his former LTR partners and he told me about the circumstances under which it happened and let me decide whether that behavior made him seem untrustworthy to me.
Quote:
What exactly does GP mean by wanting you to trust him (yeah, I get the dark alley thing, but I want a literal answer not a metaphorical one)?
I have basically asked him this question and he hasn't really given me a specific answer because I think his theory is along the lines of "women start dysfunctioning in relationships when they don't trust you" so really what he is saying is "I would like to do whatever possible to make myself trustworthy in a relationship because I really don't want to be in another dysfunctional relationship." So, actually, I think what he mostly wants is for me to openly communicate what would make me feel trusting.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Lil:I used to say of one of my dearest friends (and it was literally true): "You would trust him with your life, but you wouldn't trust him to return a library book on time."
Mojo:Good point. Was your friend a Type 7?
Actually, yes he was.
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Mojo citing GP: I think his theory is along the lines of "women start dysfunctioning in relationships when they don't trust you"
Well, I think women start not-trusting you when you start doing things not-trustworthy.
I guess the question is what is his experience with past gf's (and your) positions re trusting him:
1) She starts out trusting me at level 10 when she first meets me and subtracts points as I do untrustworthy things and then bolts when the total reaches 0
or
2) She starts out trusting me at 0 and I have to earn her trust over a period of time. When it reaches 10 (or 5 or 7 or something), I'll fcuk her
or
3) She starts out at 5 and adds or subtracts points depending on what I do, with the net total after some long-ish period of time determining whether she sticks around or whether I fcuk her
Well, I think women start not-trusting you when you start doing things not-trustworthy.
I guess the question is what is his experience with past gf's (and your) positions re trusting him:
1) She starts out trusting me at level 10 when she first meets me and subtracts points as I do untrustworthy things and then bolts when the total reaches 0
or
2) She starts out trusting me at 0 and I have to earn her trust over a period of time. When it reaches 10 (or 5 or 7 or something), I'll fcuk her
or
3) She starts out at 5 and adds or subtracts points depending on what I do, with the net total after some long-ish period of time determining whether she sticks around or whether I fcuk her
Well, as I indicated previously, GP has been in 5 LTRs. I have the partial low-down on some of them.
1) Mother of 24 year old son. Female body builder. Didn't want to marry but he lived with/supported her due to kid. Was in love with her at one point. Expressed his love with gifts. She stole money from him repeatedly so he dumped her and fought for and gained custody of their son which he won.
2) Mother of 12 year old son. Total slacker. Wouldn't work. Wouldn't do housework. Handed off kid to him as soon as he got home from work. He offered her $50,000 in settlement if she would just leave and agree to amicable joint custody. She refused. Lengthy expensive court battle ensued but he was awarded sole custody of son. She is currently wanted for child neglect in the state in which she resides because she is 10 months behind in paying the support she owes him which is $17.50 a week. We have bonded a bit over this issue. GP actually gave me a lecture about how I really should be more pro-active about going after my 2bx for the support he owes because it personally p*sses him off when men do that sh*t because it makes it harder for men in general to win custody cases etc.
3) Last girlfriend. Mostly quite good relationship. GP says things went sour because "She mistook my kindness for weakness." GP suggested counseling. She quit counseling and became quite disrespectful so GP felt he had no choice but to move on. I think he was really hoping that she would be the one he would finally marry.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Interesting variety there. I generally feel better about people who leave R's for a variety of reasons rather than the same reason being bandied about over and over. it is fairly encouraging.
Questions:
Does he strike you as a "rescuer" type? Does his kindness look anything like weakness to you? Does he inspire your trust?
Does he strike you as a "rescuer" type? Does his kindness look anything like weakness to you? Does he inspire your trust?
I really don't think he is the rescuer type. His courting style reminds me of being interviewed for a job by a firm that is highly interested in you. He pretty much came right out and told me that the first e-mail he sent me was a test for racism and superficiality. Also, he tells me a lot about how he typically functions in a relationship in the manner a potential employer might extol the benefits available. Except as I indicated previously he is the opposite of prosaic in his descriptions of the benefits.
He doesn't strike me as weak at all. There is nothing placating in his behavior even though at times he has struck me as being rather over-the-top into me because he does stuff like describe my eyes as being green with gray rims and brown flecks.
I would say that I trust him to the extent that I understand him but there is a lot of white noise on certain channels in our communications so I'm reserving judgment in those areas.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
As long as we're just tossing out ideas and reactions...
What strikes me about what you've told us about him is the following: He seems to do a lot of "telling" you how he is, how past R's have been, how it's going to be, how it could be, what his requirements are (including what he'd like to see you wearing)... I realize you're only giving us a small slice of what he is like in person. But the thing that's interesting is all the telling/predicting/describing. Like he's laying out the rules or composing the plot. I don't see this as controlling in the sense of trying to control YOU, but I do see it as detached... as him observing himself and you and giving commentary.
Kind of like when you turn on the commentary track on a dvd movie. Before you just had the action-- the fight, the chase, the kiss, the cooking dinner-- with the commentary track on, you have the director TELLING you what you're seeing-- "We couldn't get the scrambled eggs to look right in this scene," "This is a hommage to the witches' scene in Macbeth," "In this scene the star was stoned out of his mind."
Is this making any sense? It's as if part of him is observing, composing, commenting, and predicting while part of him is "living" it. Like part of him is doing it, and part of him is picturing how it will read later in his memoirs.
Maybe this is splitting hairs, but I'm a little bored today and trying to drum up business.
Is this making any sense? It's as if part of him is observing, composing, commenting, and predicting while part of him is "living" it. Like part of him is doing it, and part of him is picturing how it will read later in his memoirs.
Hmmm...I would say he's more like a coach getting prepared for a new season and scouting/interviewing/preparing game plans etc. He would be a coach who has had several seasons that started out great but ended lousy but he feels like he has learned from his experiences and is hoping for a final victory season now that he is getting kind of on in years.
I'm not surprised that you guys aren't quite getting GP from my descriptions. I'm having a bit of trouble getting him myself. To further confuse the matter I should note that while we were hanging out the other day, I was thinking that he was acting like Bill Cosby and I was in the role of Rudy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
