FLTC: from Iraq

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Hey guys
I know what your saying. A D is not the end of the world and label it that way while you are not encouraging it. I agree.

1. FLTC is fighting two fronts. It's like doing his job with one third of his brain tied behind his back. Fatigue contributes the fear and the unknown contributes the dread.

2. I fully agree on fighting the good fight. You will meet your maker stating from this point on I did my best. I'll grant you (place mistakes here) previously. There is a lot of peace of mind threre. A swing and a miss is better than a called strike.

I wish I had a good stragety for you at this time more than the good dad and best husband you can be but that stragety is the best anyone can offer.

On single life I would not expect you to come down to the coast and become a beach lifeguard but I assure it's a rockin good time. You have the lowering the standard of living down good to care for the kids. Trust me that is more important than a babe magnet house and wheels. Just if you get hammered with the D do not pledge anyting like undying love to anyone for at least one to two years or you may be back on these boards.


We may meet in theater or on an op and not even know it. In any case it would be my pleasure. Keep truckin over bad guys.

[mkultra]

Yes, I agree is not good to repeat a pattern or fall back into the same patterns. I think it may be best to actually get lighter than heavier in terms of thinking. Kind of like when we got out of high school, not in a MLC way, more like in a positive future way.

My friend is getting married this weekend. She says this guy is the love of her life and she will grow old with him, retire and be his travel companion. She is 59 and he is 64. It is very romantic and they are best friends!

We don't have to be afraid to be alone.

[FLTC]

You know what really bothers me? All those great happy times when we were a family. All thos painful, painful thinks I mentioned about 5 posts ago. My son at the Truck Museuem, the Train Museum, the kids at the beach, all of us in NYC for Christmas. I know, I know..... you can build special new memories..... How can WASs walk away form all that stuff?

[FLTC]

mk,

Nice story. It does show that we can all find love again. You guys are right with the fear part. Also, the hard part for me are the memories, as I've mentioned before, so vivid, so painful that I can't even write them down again. The photo albums come into my head and I just am overwhelmed by sadness. I really feel for my kids.

COG,

while the women sound appealing, we know how that road is paved. I hate to go through all the dating and everything involved with that again. The thought of having to resort to Match.com or Yahoo personals makes me want to vomit. The loss of a true family is what really rips me apart. I guess the WAS rationalizes "kids are resiliant", and to a degree they are, but I can't imagine my mom and dad showing up spearately at my graduations, or not having them as grandparents, together. I guess D's counselor has to help D17 see it as having "positives" What's she supposed to do, I guess?

I need to focus solely on me. Let her go.

[COG]

I was thinking about how I seemed to be living in so much fear, fear of divorce, fear of being single, fear of dating, fear that I had lost my wife, fear that my employment situation wouldn't change, etc. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks the opposite of fear is faith.

BINGO!!!! When you have complete faith in God, there is no room for fear it just gets pushed right out. I don't know if I've shared this link on this thread yet, but it's worth watching. This God Thing

Trust in God, have faith in His plan for your life, have faith that He will take care of you. It was so liberating!

So right again! Most people see Christianity as a crutch, or something that will shackle their free will. Once home, I realized it was very much the opposite. Here's another site to check out. Christians In Commerce

Love,

COG

[FLTC]

COG,

I have some faith, but have a difficult time summing it up like you and T2, and CatFan. It's so easy here becasue I'm removed from the whole situation, surrounded by great guys who have no social life, but to talk to me and I to them. whn I go back home, I'll be surrounded by the whole situation upt to my eyebrows. I hope this experience in Iraq will stengthen me to accept whatever comes my way. Divorce is so painful, at least to me.

[COG]

FLTC,

Divorce is painful and it can tear families apart. But the kid's will do as well as the parents do with it. If the parents carry the anger, resentment, hurt and fear with them, then so will the kids.

I hope you don't think that I am telling you D is the best option. I'm trying to get you to look at life differently. Look past the emptiness of pain, and see the cup half full.

I'm convinced that your W has zero desire to re-enter your M the way it was, the way YOU were. What she decides to do, is between her and her God. YOU have a life path of your own. The sooner you embrace it, acknowledge it, and accept it, the sooner you can heal and move on. You may save your M, or may not, but either way you'll have to stand up to her, and demand she treat you with respect.

Question for you: What/Who is God?

COG

[FLTC]

COG,

Looking back on a recent post, you siad that when you stopped bending over trying to please your W., things began to change. I also remeber a lot of responses that you wrote to me, you stated that you would send your W. lots of emails, pages upon pages of your deepest feelings. Whta did you do to stop bending over backwards and how does that correspond with the lengthy emails, which seems ike pursuit. It tookyou W. four long years, but it seems from recent conversations with my D17, W. is prepping her for us to be D.

[FLTC]

God..used to be someone I put absolute faith in, but I have a hard time with any belief these days.

[COG]

FLTC,
You're in battle. The bullets are flying. There comes a point where you throw the friggin book away, and do what you have to to survive and win. Let your instincts take over.

The time to stop pursuing your W, is when the pursuit actually drives her further away. Ultimately, women love to be pursued, they're made to be pursued, and men to pursue. That's how we're wired. They want us to cross a river of fire, just so they can tell us they're not interested. That's life.

But there's a huge difference between pursuing a woman, and letting her crap on you. You can pursue, and during the pursuit, not allow yourself to be a doormat.

For example. You show up at her place with flowers. She scowls at you and tells you to stick them where the sun don't shine. You, unphased, tell her it's not okay for her to be such a bitch to you. Gently take your flowers and leave. See her the next day, smile, and act like you gave them to a better looking woman who had sex with you all night.

Here was my turning point. It happened while we were separated. W and I took the kids to Mass on the grass that our church was putting on. Basically we had our Sunday service in the park. So, I brought my own blanket with me because there are six of us, and no blanket is big enough. Anyway, W gets all bent out of shape about it. Gives me the ice/cold shoulder. She was offended that I brought my own blanket, like her's was'nt good enough. So we sat through and agonizing service, and I just wanted to get away from her.

I kept my cool though. Did'nt resort to the whipped pup, wimpy crap that I had become accustomed to after the bomb. So I let it go until the next day, when I composed a letter. I basically told her it wasn't OK, and that she was not to treat me that way anymore. I told her I don't care if we D or not, but that she needed to grow up and treat me with respect either way.

In the end. She knew she was wrong. She flung a few things back my way, but I just let them pass. And that was a pivotal day. She began to treat me with more respect, because I wouldn't accept anything less. I had lost my fear of D, fear of her, and she began to respond differently.

By all means write to your W. Let her know how you feel. But be prepared to also know how she feels. Be prepared to accept her, love her, support her, just the way she feels. You should not allow her to treat you with disrespect, but you should not expect her to fill the void, the neediness, and take away the fear and anxiety that YOU have. That's YOUR job!

She's going to feel what she feels, say what she says, but don't let it change YOU!

I did share some very deep thoughts with my W, all along. I think that is imperative. You haven't pursued your W, probably since the bomb, and hows it working for ya? That's the question you have to keep asking yourself. Is this working? If the answer is NO, then try another stratedgy.

It's a game man. A game for life and death. YOU write the rules, YOU call the plays. It aint over yet!

God Bless,

COG