That was like finding out there was no Santa Claus...
I have been there, or thought I was.
Amy you are an inspiration to so many here.
You have fought the good fight for so long.
Do not harden your heart to forgiveness. My heart is not hardened to forgiveness, Jack. It is hardened towards the idea of being the only one accountable, the only one forced to change, the only one who had to grow up. I am glad that my eyes were opened to how precious the family unit is. I am glad my eyes were opened to just how wrong I was, how immature I was. I did fight. I will still fight for my kids. But there is a world out there that I am still not a part of - I am NOT living - and there is nothing for me in "standing", either. I have no friends. For almost 2 years, I have lived and breathed "Divorce Busting". For 3 years prior to the I was in MLC. I can't regret any of that because it woke me up to so many things. I still live sheltered though and for what? So the same alcoholic that I lived with all those years can throw me a crumb and invite me over for an evening? I don't think so. I couldn't go back if he asked me to tomorrow. That was a hard realization to come to, to know that all I'd gained would actually be lost if I went back. I love him but my concern and my priority is my daughter.
I have only one question and one question alone, and I am most certainly not trying to cheer lead or have you change your mind.
Who's providence is hate? Do not give in to that. Sometimes resentment is the first step towards seeing things for what they really are and doing something about them, Jack.
If I might, kudos to you for taking this stand. I have relished in your determination at standing for your marriage because it helps bring strength and hope for others. I think you can stand but require;
I will if this...
You have been delivered from your MLC and from what I gather there were some requirements set upon your life.
I say this from a functioning alcoholics viewpoint as I am one myself. It has cost me much in my life and the only time i've changed is by losing.
This stand from you now is essential, which you seem to realize, for the sake of everyone. (speaking from experience)
If i'm wrong set me straight but I think you may have been the martyr in some of your M stand out of guilt for your past MLC.
Hang in there and my prayers are with you!
Some paths seem to take us away from our destination before it's finally reached.
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
The main idea here is that we are accountable for the knowledge, resources, abilities, etc. that God has blessed us with. If we have been given much, then He expects that much more from us. The good news is that all of these blessings come from the Lord and He realizes that humans are not perfect and that we can't do anything right without His help (John 15:5), but we can do all things through Jesus Christ as He strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). So let's ask the Lord to give us His wisdom and Spirit so that we can be faithful stewards over what He has entrusted to us. "And now, little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming." (1 John 2:28)
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Well, I did it again, I guess. I was posting in the wrong place. Thought I found you over in the Prayer Circle forum and was talking away to ya, and then realized you hadn't even posted there in a while. Anyway sweetie, if you want to read it....it's there. Just want you to be happy, God knows, you deserve it. I think you do need to GAL besides this board! And I am very selfish and don't want to give you up completely b/c of the help you have been in my life.....but I couldn't blame you sweetie....not for a second. You stood, you fought, and you believed. Now, as I kind of told you in the other forum.....you just have to give it ALL to God and let Him do it. You are tired and it's time to rest (read my last post to ya)and go get a life.
Love ya AmyC. I pray for your daughter's protection and well being.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thank you for those posts in the other forum. I did read them yesterday and have been thinking about the things that you said. I appreciate your prayers, especially for my daughter.
I picked up D11 after work yesterday and she came over for dinner. When I took her home, I stayed for a little while talking with her Dad. Not about anything serious. Just about his new suv. He's never had a new car and although this is a 2001, it is new to him so he is excited about it. He needed something reliable as opposed to the '59 Chevy he's been driving around that he wants to restore. Now perhaps he can.
D11 got her interim this week. She had a couple of D's and a couple comments about not turning in homework. It was actually better than I thought it would be, though. She actually has an A is History. We'll see what she does between now and report cards though. I am proud of them both because I know they HAVE been working. She did not get the best start to the school year with breaking that bone in her foot. She got her cast off last week and is back in action now.
That's it. I am alone all weekend as S15 is away at ROTC bootcamp til Sunday. Next Tuesday is D11's birthday and I think her Dad is taking her to Busch Gardens Saturday so I will just be hanging out at the apartment I guess. No money, no internet, either (can no longer afford it). Even with my "raise", I am still living at poverty level and getting ready to lose more. I did go from $19,000/year to $24,000/year but it's still not paying all these bills. I don't even have credit card debt or anything like that either. Rent, regular monthly utility bills, car payment, insurance, groceries and other misc stuff that S15 seems to always need.... The most basic sh*t and I can't pay it all. My insurance is canceled as of TODAY! That automatically puts my car loan in default. I could make it if I weren't still playing catch up but reality is, I am never going to be able to get caught up. I had a fleeting thought the other day that I can get caught up when I get my taxes back after the 1st of the year but then I remembered I haven't had any taxes taken out because I need every dime! I am screwed and that realization was pretty much the end of my "hope". I am just tired of it all.
Amy has selflessly given to many many people on this board for a long, long time. Never asking for anything in return. Sometimes she ruffled feathers, more often she helped.
She needs help now. If Amy helped you, and you want to return the favor, E-mail me for a way you can help right now in a way that will benefit her.
I am screwed and that realization was pretty much the end of my "hope". I am just tired of it all.
