Arghh...amazing how they can make tearing up a family sound almost pleasant. Her dad would give you money for a house? Either he REALLY likes you...or REALLY hates you.
Anyway, that her drinking has leveled off might be a positive sign. The first hint my wife was softening was she stopped staying out as late, as often and eased off on getting drunk. Try not to nag your wife about going out or drinking. Try not to even ask about her going out or drinking. Sometimes I think they do it not to GAL but to punish us in a round about way. Once her going out stops having an effect on you, she might stop doing it so much.
Her email did have some positives. I agree with Rob, stall. I might write back to her that yeah, I (you) did have a good time. It is nice to read that she cares about you and you will continue to work on yourself and then end the email. Maybe say nothing at all about the house or dividing stuff up. If you won't see her for 12 days that might be just what the doctor ordered. It might give her time to cool her jets.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Arghh...amazing how they can make tearing up a family sound almost pleasant. Her dad would give you money for a house? Either he REALLY likes you...or REALLY hates you.
A much more likely scenario: Her dad has nothing to do with it and is not on board. Remember, we're dealing with alien spew here!
W to FIL: Tostada agrees we should split up and is ready to move out, but just needs some money to make it happen.
W to T: My dad agrees we should split up and is ready to chip in financially so we can make it happen.
See how BOTH spewisms are bogus???
Originally Posted By: DownNotOut...yet
Anyway, that her drinking has leveled off might be a positive sign. The first hint my wife was softening was she stopped staying out as late, as often and eased off on getting drunk. Try not to nag your wife about going out or drinking. Try not to even ask about her going out or drinking. Sometimes I think they do it not to GAL but to punish us in a round about way. Once her going out stops having an effect on you, she might stop doing it so much.
More likely, going out and hitting the bars is not a sign of Getting A Life - do you really think everyone who hits the bars is happy and growing? I think not!
However, I also disagree about doing it to punish the WAS - it's all about THEM, not about US at all. Don't over analyze what crazy people do, it is a waste of time!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Tostado- You have gotten some very good advice from members here. The things that Sandi2 was saying hit so close to home with me, too. My H is a WAW. He said and did all of those things that she said and sounded a lot like your W, too.
I BACKED off. It's been about 3 weeks now and it has gotten better. This morning he actually did something very sweet that he never would have done for me recently.
Just give her space and do not give her any reason to spew. I would barely talk to my H unless I had to and then it was very quick. I also did nice things for him, but didn't mention it. He is in another room and I would go in and get his laundry and do it for him. I would also offer to wash his sheets when I was doing mine.
It really does get easier emotionally when you back off. Do not ask questions about her life right now. She really is an alien at this point. Keep on with your life and give her space and freedom.
Don't even know where to begin. That email would have me scratching my head. She does sound upbeat...and as others have said makes this whole separation thing sound far to simple. Sounds like she is living in LA LA land. Alein spew, MLC...call it what you want. Sounds like there is outside forces here. Possible OP?
Give her the separation. Give her as much time as she needs. Things will clear in her mind sooner than later if you stop chasing and let go.
As a WAW, things did not change for me until I had been out of the house (fully separated) for about 3 months or so. Going to an empty duplex night after night when I didn't have my child was heart wrenching. I started thinking about my D4 and how my unhappiness would play out for her in the long run. But it took time. It took 3 months just for me to start to think about recovery. Basically I woke up one morning and I just wasn't angry anymore. I won't say I have forgotten the pain my H caused me over the years, I am just not so angry about it. Too bad for me it happened a little to late I think. We'll see I am still in the game.
I hate to say it but for some WAS the only thing that gets through to them is the reality of what they are doing. Separation means single parenting, two households on the same income...not very atractive once you get done to it. I am in the stinking poor house. My H has refused to continue MC and decided to date other people. Its easier for him as an LBS to run from our problems then work on them. I am still willing so now the tables had been turned on me. Ironically now I am the one using all the DB techniques. Nothing like that to bite an WAS in the arse.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Thanks for sharing, WAS. I think that the line between the LBS and the WAS is a lot narrower, and fuzzier, than most of us would like to believe - especially at the beginnings of our situations when we are still reeling with the shock and pain of The Bomb. I really hope things work out for you.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I dont believe there is OP. We talked about it and I dont get any indication from their friends that there is. I however still wonder because her behavior is so black/white...
She did call me yesterday crying. Her dad laid the hammer on her about her actions, thinking, etc. She really looks up to her dad. Of course she was pretty mad at him. Not sure what he said would have much effect, but her looking to me for comfort might be a good result of it.
She left this morning to go out of town for 6 days. We will only run into each other in 2 of the next 12 days. Even after the positive emails and upbeat messages, she was pretty cold when she left. That was a bummer. I'm thinking of being very difficult to reach and very quiet during this time.
I know when she gets back that the separation idea will be front and center. I think she should be the one who leaves and gets the reality check of being out of the house and the challenges with the kids. She's not going to go for that and it would be a huge battle I think. Not sure what to do here.
I'm thinking of being very difficult to reach and very quiet during this time.
Don't think it. DO IT! The repeated message you are seeing over and over from everyone posting in your thread is: BACK OFF, GIVE HER SPACE!!! Just do it. Things have started to change for me since I finally wised up and started doing it.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
my wife's been out of town for 4 days visiting friends in NYC. We had our first contact today via email. It was cordial and friendly. I asked her what she had been doing....lots of shopping. We'll, I've noticed that she hasnt pulled any money from our account and hasnt really used our credit cards. It doesnt really match up to her 'ability' to shop for 3 days in the big city. Over the past month she has virtually not deposited any money into our account from her job and she has pulled out amounts that are not normal for her. I believe she cashed her checks and made frequent withdrawls and took cash with her on her trip so I wouldnt see how much spending or shopping she was doing. To me, this could be totally dishonest and on the edge of stealing from our family. Not sure how to ask her about this. I sort of asked her that I was surprised as I thought she would be doing more shopping, but theres not much loaded onto our visa. She told me about all the clothes she had bought, so I know she was spending.
Anyway...I dont know how to deal with it without her getting totally pissed at me for acusing her of this.
Perhaps she has gotten herself a credit card distinct from the "family card". That in itself isn't a bad thing - I might even consider it a good thing!
However, it would be interesting to know how the plans for paying it off.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
