If you filed to "improve things" then it was for the wrong reasons. Now your wife will need to show you that she wants to stay married to you to stop this. She may need guidance.
If you simply state a few boundries such as:
1. Monogamy in marriage 2. well, you get the idea
and discuss this with her then you'll get a good feel if she wants to work on this. Sure she's friendly. If she's friendly it may be because she doesn't want you to rock the boat. After all, the status quo has been perfect for her for years.
Be strong, Luke. Keep a close eye on the kids and it's up to you to decide what would be necessary to turn this around now. If the divorce goes through she may hit rock bottom she may not, who knows. Your focus should be on you and the kids. Once upon a time she loved you, she may again, but don't wait around for it. She'll let you know so don't ask, or have relationship talks (other than maybe 1 boundry talk to show her what she needs to do, such as marriage counseling (but don't say you'll stop the divorce for that, marriage counseling can also occur AFTER a divorce)).
Good luck and gods speed, Luke. My best prayers and wishes for you and your kids. May your wife see the light but don't get your hopes up.
Thanks for your posting and your good wishes. No, I didn't file because I thought this would improve things, was more just wondering what might change... Perhaps this is one of Michelle's 'if what you are doing doesn't work, do something different' ploys? I am not holding my breath, though. I want some clarity on what will happen, given that I turn 50 this December.
The strategy from now on is to apply the screws ever more tightly, all while finding a new place/person/situation for me to go to. I'll deal with each in turn.
The screws:
O file (only I filed, so I decide, sometime between 6 and 12 months from now, whether to end or continue our marriage) O tell her I filed (we will get a letter, probably next week, addressed to both of us, saying I filed). Your suggested relationship talk will probably happen then. O in conjunction with this, shut off her access to my bank account in the States. Open up my own Swedish bank account, from where I can control the flow of funds into our common, bill paying account and the mortage account. O before the kids and I go to the States for fall break and see my folks, put in 50% of the mortage due at the end of this month into the Swedish bank account (plus some extra for bills and sundries), and tell her she needs to put in the other 50%. Given her lousy income situation, this will hurt. (I don't feel bad though, as she never put in what she did earn over the last year into our common account, instead keeping it for herself. She also has monthly payments to make to the Swedish tax authorities which I will no longer provide for). O call up a real estate agent and have our house inspected, to get an idea of its worth and what should be fixed up to increase this. I will only fix up what returns more than we put in. O do you have more ideas?
She called me an a-hole at our last talk, probably because I mentioned cutting off money. I didn't feel this was fair, however, given how she has treated me, watching out for herself first and any others later.
Doing all this is hard for me, as I a not a fighter by nature. I've been waking up at 3 every morning, unable to sleep, dreading the fights this entails. Still, this can be done step by step, and I don't intend to be exploited any longer. Maybe all the screw tightening will bring out the true person in her.
The even harder part is the new place/new person/new situation stuff. I would like to keep the house here and kick her out, saying she can keep her half as an investment. I could pay the whole mortgage then, subtracting her 50% of the mortgage payment plus interest from the final selling price. She would have to agree to not be here any longer, no longer use the garden (which she loves), and get out of my hair. That way, the kids can continue having a nice living situation. If we do have to sell the place, I can imagine building a whole new, really energy efficient house. Our current situation, in town, within walking distance of stores and schools, on the water, etc. is hard to beat, however. Perhaps the legal requirement that Sweden places on divorce – "always what is best for the kids" – will enter in here.
The find a new person stuff I can imagine doing via match.com or similar services. I hear from others how hard it is to meet someone new when you are divorced. Why not use the Internet, taking appropriate precautions (prenuptial agreement, condoms, etc.)? How are you dealing with this?
A large question is also whether I should move back to the States. Sweden is great in many ways, but so is the States. I am from Boston and just this morning saw how much is going on there. At nearly 50, such a move also turns, at least partly, into a "where do I want to spend the rest of my life?" deal, not so easy. A step at a time seems a good strategy.
Windy and in the 40s -
A good weekend to you -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Just remember that now's the time for reflection. How did you get here? What do YOU need to fix in yourself for a new relationship (either with her or another)? The legal stuff is pretty harsh at times so you might want to speak to your doctor if you're having stress problems like sleeping.
Live you life as if you're moving on. Get your life in order and guide your kids as best you can. Remember, you cannot fix anyone else, or even your relationship. All you can do is provide a good growing ground and then hope that the conditions are right for a good harvest.
It's autumn here on the southwest coast and temperatures are in the 10's. They say it'll be frost this weekend down here so I can hardly wait for the trees to start changing into their autumn coats even faster now.
You have a good weekend, too, Luke. Hug your kids, treat your wife with compassion but don't allow yourself to get walked on. That could be how you ended up here in the first place.
Yeah, I've been feeling reflective in any case, what with 50 approaching... it came so fast. Been reading, when I feel focused enough, Alan Alda's new book about the purpose of life, a book called 'Making time' about how to slow down time, and occasionally to the kids, one of my all time favorite activities, though my wife nearly always puts our D to bed. I get the kids a whole week in Boston, which is great.
My wife said "I've never respected you as a man" at our last talk; maybe your comment about being walked on is part of this. Maybe I need to be more of a man, whatever that means? Though we are married since 1985, so I don't quite believe her statement.
I can remember taking assertiveness classes at college, and still rate at the 10% percentile on the introverted/extraverted scale, maybe that is something to work on too. Plus extraverts are supposed to be happier, even when alone.
God helg !
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Luke, what a horrible thing for her to say, it says more about her than you! Take with a grain of salt anything she tosses at you right now. I know I've had some hurtful things thrown at me such as "your inability to handle our finances is what's put us in this position" What "position" she was referring to is beyond me considering we have no debt! I'm not saying never to reflect on things about yourself, you should but don't look to your S for any kind of accurate assessment, she's just spewing her own hurtful venom right now. She's pissing me off!
Nice to hear from you -. You know, her remark actually didn't bother me, I am what I am, end of story, so it just rolled off. Yes, it somehow says more about the state she is in and what she feels.
I do take the introverted personality stuff more seriously, and would like to change that. All the stuff I've read on happiness says extraverts are nearly always happier.
Anyway, got to run - two tarts to make for dinner, friends coming unexpectedly!
Good weekend to you too!
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
o go around the house, making note of everything I intend to take from our things. This includes some of my things in my wife's work area.
Extending this concept, anything that makes the impending end more real may be useful. The fact that I filed alone and therefore decide alone on whether to end it (unsless she files also) may give me some extra leverage too.
Am very curious how W will react to the money flow being shut off. Seems to me that she needs to come clean on that (no more support from me to pay her taxes, for example).
Wisps of mist, about 20 feet over the fields this morning, shining in the sun. Temperature is -5C.
Later -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
WII's comments about not accepting, well, anything she says right now is on target.
Don't try to "show" her or "lead" her to any decisions. If you need to catalogue the household items then do it for you. If you need something, then get it done...but because you need to not to influence her.
The talk about introvert/extrovert is something that I go throught all the time. I'm an iNTj, which means that I plan, and carry out but don't take input that well. I've worked really hard on that but it's still difficult. I don't "know best" and the best change for me has been in accepting that. LOL
Make sure to secure your finances in a way that shows good faith, but no trust, in your wife. Her lack of respect is owned by her and you're right, it's a comment on her own internal problems.
I can, in my little iNTj mind, estimate her thought processes now as she begins to enter panic mode. NOT PRETTY! She'll be angrier than a hornet and try just about everything to get her way. Stand firm. No more "nice guy" behaviour. You know your path, she's welcome to come along...for a little while, anyway.
Hope you have a good weekend.
It's 7C and sunny here. Busy weekend of ferrying the youngest daughter to gymnastics and birthday parties. It's been so much better down here than up near Göteborg with personal interaction and even an introvert like me gets to say "Hi" alot. Like that.
So W is now off to Germany tomorrow, where OM lives, but she is "also looking for work". How do I react? I told her I would not take her to the airport (making it expensive and inconvenient). Is this reasonable?
Hopefully the acknowledgement letter for filing will come from the court soon, and I can legally cut off her access to our joint american account. That would be a great text message to send while she is there "filing is now official; american account access terminated. Have a good day."
Actually it will be nice to have the kids for myself, but I hate the idea of her so blatantly slapping me in the face -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
