Separated and W has a BF.

[LL44]

By the way, I am the pot calling the kettle black. I do snoop from time to time. But I can see how much it was hurting you.

And you are soooo right, these spouses don't want our help, even though all we want to do is fix things for them. But they have go to go through it on their own.

[Larrynarry]

Yeah... I'm starting to detach a little. I'm like this anyway. I spend a good month focusing on something and then little by little get back to normalcy.

Need to stop reading the email.. not even sure why I'm doing it.

Well.. happy Friday to all!!

[fightingirish]

Sorry I didn't write back sooner... My H is out of town so things here are crazy.

Anyways, you should stop snoopinng, you are going to drive yourself nuts! We are all guilty of it at one time or another, but its not worth it.

you really need to detach and act "as if" Listen if she calls, but like I said, don't really offer any advice to her, just let her vent. I wouldn't elaborate on anything that you are doing.. let her just see the changes.

Take Care..

tal

[Larrynarry]

So... W calls earlier and I let it roll to VM. Didn't leave a message. She calls back later and I answer... she wants to meet at a Dairy Queen and talk. I was available, so I agreed.

She texts me an hour later and says "Just want to talk as friends OK?"

I responded "OK"

She responded "Cool"

I get there and she looks great... man she looks good. I acted cool.. played off. She said I looked and smelled good (ha!!).

We talked about all sorts of stuff. We are selling our horse trailer, so she asked about when it was going. She said we needed the money "Even if we are staying together". It was nice to hear that. I told her I had to drive to TN, so I would need to work that out with her. She said she had plans next Sat

Everything went fine... she's going to the L's today so that was discussed a little. She invited me back to her place (on the way to mine and only 1-2 minutes away) and I accepted.

We get there and I'm teasing her about things. Her back was hurting and I told her I would massage it but she would like it too much. She asked what was wrong with me. Then started pinging about where I was going tonight etc.

Then MIL shows up with groceries. This is harsh because MIL has played a big part in our R/M and I reminded her that this was W's choice and she needs to let her handle it. Well... there she is groceries in hand!!

Anyway.. I go to leave and W asks if I'm going out to which I respond yes.. "Who with.. where". "Out with friends" and I walked out.

I went downstairs and remembered I needed to coordinate a call time for the D's. I called her place and said "Stop talking about me!!" She responded pleasantly "Shut up!!"
Bantered for a sec then set the time.

I'm feeling good!!

Then I come home and read her email.. I know.. bad but here are the highlights:

1. OM is due back Sunday and they are setting up a sexual encounter. This bothers me because she has the D's on Sunday.

2. OM's Ex (they just finalized) supposedly introduced her new fiance (imagine how that's going!!) to W and said "Maybe all four kids will be a family soon" referring to their 2 and our 2. That scares the hell out of me.

3. OM's Ex wants them all to go riding horses together.

I know I shouldn't be reading it, but it puts some things in perspective for me. He'll be back on sunday and the email will stop. I'll be back in the dark.

Man.. this sucks. Oddly, I didn't feel all weirded out like I normally do around her.

I need to get one of the affair books this weekend. I tend to feel better when I know what's going on, and maybe that will help.

She had an appt with her L, so I'm sure she will be pissed.

Happy weekend all!!

[joeconrad]

You handled yourself superbly when your WAW probed about your plans to go out. Give vague responses when questioned, so that there remains a degree of uncertainty in her mind about what you're really up to at night.

As for the snooping, you know it's not a good idea. I was the same way for some time and believed that it was better to know the ugly and unsettling truth than to remain blissfully ignorant. Choose the blissful ignorance.

[LL44]

The parts about the families being together would make me physically ill. At times H and OW discussed going on a 'vacation' with just them and all of our kids. Just plain wrong. You did very well with W, you should be very proud!!

[Larrynarry]

OK... so I had posted a few more posts in Newcomers, but I'll just keep posting here.

I think I'm finally starting to let go. Over the last 2-3 weeks, I've had anxiety. I'm on zoloft, and I really didn't want to have it bumped up, so I figured I could ride it out. Plus, I don't want to deny myself all the wonderful feelings of this experience :P

Well.. That feeling has all but subsided. I would love nothing more than to get off of Zoloft. I don't like how it affects me, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be completely off of it either.

W confronted me yesterday about texting OM's ex W. This was at the same time I was texting him and I regret I did it. I did tell her that I wouldn't be bothering any of them anymore. What's funny is he told me to ask her (I know he probably didn't mean it) What's hurtful about it though is that the Ex thinks W and OM are a perfect fit. I told W that and told her that basically since everyone else seems to be in favor of them, I should be on the same boat. She didn't say anything.
She is still keeping their R low key. I'm sure it's because she's ashamed. She also keeps saying things like "if our D becomes final"
I don't understand this... she's telling him that she can't wait to finalize yet she's telling me "if".

I'm starting to focus on more things that I need to get done. I'm starting to realize that I don't "need" her.

Here is something I'm a little concerned about... I'm very good at severing emotional ties. Very good. This worries me as I don't want to cut her off completely. Right now, I can't even imagine what we would need to do to reconcile. By that I mean I don't know how we would identify what needs to be changed. I'm worried that she will just one day say "I made a mistake.. let's pick up where we left off" which obviously won't happen. I've told her before that our marriage is dead. We can either build a new one or go our separate ways.
Well... that's all for now. I've had my D's at home the last 2 days. Youngest has strep. I'll see W at lunch today due to her forgetting oldest D's backpack.

Hope you all are doing well.

[Larrynarry]

So I think things are getting worse.

Yesterday morning W texted me and said "Good morning to you and the girls. See you at Lunch"

I texted back.. after sometime and said "Back at you!!"

I saw her at D's school and acted as if. I told her she looked nice.. asked how her day was etc. She seemed very depressed.

Met her at the mall later that evening to get D's costumes. When we went to leave, I could tell she was upset about something. I asked if she wanted to go to dinner with us and she stated that she had too much other stuff to do. (That is shocking... she complains I don't let her see the kids enough).

We didn't hug at school.. we didn't hug at mall.

She called last night to talk to the D's. D's and I were having fun. I asked how the rest of her day went and she said OK. No texts or anything after.

No texts this morning.

Dropped D's and stuff off (it's her night) and really nothing. We said to have a nice day to each other.

As I left, I put stuff in her car and she had stepped out to say thanks and lock her vehicle.

Nothing since.. she usually calls while taking oldest D to school or when she gets off work. None of that.

I told her last night that I got her a sweetest day card (we had joked about it on Sunday and agreed to get each other cards) I told her she didn't have to give me one.. she sounded OK with that.

I left the card in the bag with the D's stuff.

The card said "Only you" and when you open it "Always You" and then "Happy Sweetest Day" at the bottom. Seemed to be the only one that fit. I just put my name on the inside.. no explanation or written word.

I'm feeling more detached from her, but I'm worried that we are going backwards. Not sure what to do now.

[Larrynarry]

So... interesting evening.

I broke down and texted her and asked if she was OK.

Long and short of it, she basically said:

1. She couldn't understand why guys took advantage of her
2. Why nobody will treat her the way she wants to be treated
3. She will never be treated the way she wants to be treated

I still don't know what caused all of this (although I can probably guess), but I pushed on some things and didn't on others.

She didn't give too much room, but at least we were talking.

She also asked if I was seeing someone and said I was "beating around the bush".

Today we talked again and she hit on the subject again. I basically told her I've been out with some people but not a date per say.

I asked again what the "event" was that caused the comments, and she wouldn't respond. She did say that she wants to be a part of my life.

I hope that's a good sign.

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, DO NOT PUSH. It sounds like she may be coming around, but don't get too excited and end up pushing her away.

Also, it would not hurt for her to feel some jealousy if she thought you may be dating or seeing someone or at least getting yourself out there.

Obviously, OM isn't the gem she thought he was. Don't push to find out what happened to make her be feeling the way she is. It really doesn't matter; you know that he has obviously done/said something and it could be that she's second guessing her decisions. THAT'S all that matters. Just hang in there & go w/ the flow. Be there for her and be the one that is constant.