It's been another week already. Not too much going on with the exception of an email exchange that occurred yesterday. We have been scheduling weekly lunches and I got an email from the W a couple of hours before we were supposed to meet. We did end up going to lunch. Here's the email exchange (W's initial text in red, my response in blue, her follow up in green)...
I think you may have misunderstood my comments the other morning in the bathroom. I thought you understood because you left in such a huff but then we spoke that night either you didn't understand or you put a different spin on it.
I don't think I misunderstood your comments. You said that you didn't know how to move forward, and yes, that upset me.
I had said to you that I still don't feel the things I should for you in order to move forward. That night you said that I said - I don't feel like things have moved forward at all. Then you listed all the "goals" you had put in your head - or wherever - and thought that we had met some of them so we were moving forward.
I understand that you still don't have the feelings for me that should be there in a healthy relationship. I understand that you still have feelings for OG. Admitting this to myself is extremely painful and makes me question everything.
What is everything?
I understand that it will take time for the feelings you have (or don't have) to change and for the pain you feel to fade. This can only happen if you have no contact with OG. You are not the only one having doubts at this point.
What are you doubting?
The point I was trying to get across was that we are in a better place today than where we were a month ago. I see that as moving forward. Baby steps, but yes moving forward. I'm not that naive and I don't expect miracles to happen overnight. I understand that this will be a long and sometimes painful process, but I am committed to putting in the time and effort to make it work. I know the end result can be a relationship that is better than what we had before and one that is fulfilling for both of us. To me, this is well worth the effort.
I don't really look at it as moving forward but more me trying to "get those feelings back", as you put it.
I'm more trying to find the feelings to begin with. I've told you that they haven't been there since the beginning. I have felt like I am pretending hoping they will happen. But now I'm tired of pretending.
Isn't you trying to "get those feelings back" a sign that you are trying to move things forward? I can understand that you're still not convinced that you're doing the right thing and I'm not expecting you to promise that everything will get better. I know this will take time, but I want to be proactive about fixing us. If we do nothing, the feelings won't change. If we do nothing, the relationship won't change. I want us to take the steps to help bring about this change. I know you don't know how to make things better, but there are roadmaps out there that we can follow to help guide us. I only ask that you commit to trying. I only ask that we start working on some of the programs that are available. I think that this will help us figure out what it was that was missing from the relationship or what the negative feelings were. I think this will give us the tools we need to help get those feelings back.
I hate to put this in an email, but when we are together, I typically don't have the energy to talk about it because I know it will get to be a long , emotionally draining conversation. I have to just bite the bullet and be honest with you.
I don't want our times spent together to be emotionally draining. Please don't avoid talking to me because you anticipate a relationship discussion. I look forward to our time alone together so that we can talk. I'm happy to talk just for the sake of talking.
I have to go into a meeting - sorry to drop the bomb and walk away, but I needed to get this off my chest.
