Depression Question

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, I'm just going to tell you my sitch here as some insight. Think I posted to you on your LD/HD thread when you first posted it, however, I think I have some comments on the depression issue as well.

I ended up on Zoloft and now am on Lexapro. I think it helps, however, AD's are one of those things that you think, hmmmm, maybe I don't need to be on this and you quit taking it b/c you don't really "feel" the affects of an AD and then you quit taking it and realize that, yes, it was helping.

I haven't ever been diagnosed w/ "depression" really, I just have a lot of "anger" issues that I deal w/ daily. I think that's just part of my personality that I have to deal w/ though.

As far as the sex drive thing goes, my input is this and I'm going to be completely open & honest b/c I think my sitch is very, very normal and actually seems to probably be what a lot of wives are going through and there really is no "cure" I don't think except that THEY, your wife, needs to finally realize that her lack of connection & intimacy w/ you needs to be addressed and she needs to realize that she is missing out and a lot of times, there is no "bingo" moment for her so that this actually happens. In my case, we went for years just "toodling" along w/ me unhappy and not knowing why until H finally dropped the D bomb which is what turned our sitch around finally.

I got pregnant w/ our first son (now 7 yrs) immediately after we got married. I was in the military as well, but we decided I would get out so that we would not have both of us in the military w/ a child. Up to that point, I had been very happy w/ myself and of course that spilled over into my R/M, etc.

Things happened so fast and I all of a sudden was going through things I had never imagined. I had absolutely NO drive during pregnancy. In fact, it was actually "do not touch me" and I don't know why exactly this is except that for one it was very uncomfortable for me. Then after birth, first child, that is your sole & main focus.

I was not working and H was in training, etc. I was not happy, bored, etc. Things just went downhill from there. Fast forward almost 8 years and we had 3 boys, 7 yrs, 3 yrs, 19 months (well those are their ages now). The D sitch actually began last January (for me anyway).

When I was on maternity leave w/ S3, H wrote me a letter telling me he had cheated on me 3 times. Twice happened when our first son was only about 18 months and H was deployed. He had left for that deployment feeling and had been feeling for a long time rejected by me and lonely and of course felt I was not giving him any attention, just our son.

So, between that time and the D sitch, did me knowing about his A's have anything to do w/ my feelings/actions toward him? I honestly don't know. I never did go to C or anything to deal w/ those.

Bottom line, and long story short (although this isn't short), I was never happy w/ ME. I was happy, newly wed, HD, etc. and then all of a sudden living a life I had no idea was coming. Not working, taking care of a little guy, etc. Then working full-time and having 3 children.

By this time, I had absolutely no sex drive, I could honestly live w/o it. Why? No clue. At times, I just wanted to sleep. Didn't want to "do one more thing" before I went to bed. The boys were in bed, so was I. I never took the time to give my H the extra attention he needed. We never really had that 1 on 1 that we needed.

It wasn't all my fault, he didn't communicate fully how unhappy he was, but my part of it was I was not putting any effort into making sure my M was healthy.

Of course, at the time, I had no clue this was what I was doing. I will also mention that, yes, I felt a lot of resentment toward H for "where I was" in life b/c I was not happy and didn't know why and didn't know how to "fix" it.

So, D sitch happens and I realize I do still love my H more than anything, I do still find him very sexy, attractive, etc. and I want him more than anything. I realize that I have been "rejecting" him all this time and didn't realize this was what I was doing and how it was affecting him. I realized how much I was missing out on not having any sort of true R w/ my H. By rekindling this R w/ my H, I am happier and more content. I needed my R w/ my H and didn't even realize it was missing let alone that it was what I needed. I needed that "adult" relationship, not just being a mom.

Ok, obviously I rambled, but I'm hoping by letting you into my mind and how I was thinking/am thinking now maybe you can understand MAYBE what your W is thinking or NOT thinking and where she may be at. Maybe this does not even apply to your W, but it could apply to many other H's on here and where their W's may be.

I think what happened to me is very common. I honestly don't know how to fix it though. The woman needs to realize what she is missing in not nurturing her R w/ her H, but until she even realizes that is what is missing, that's not going to happen.