Thanks for your posting and your good wishes. No, I didn't file because I thought this would improve things, was more just wondering what might change... Perhaps this is one of Michelle's 'if what you are doing doesn't work, do something different' ploys? I am not holding my breath, though. I want some clarity on what will happen, given that I turn 50 this December.
The strategy from now on is to apply the screws ever more tightly, all while finding a new place/person/situation for me to go to. I'll deal with each in turn.
The screws:
O file (only I filed, so I decide, sometime between 6 and 12 months from now, whether to end or continue our marriage) O tell her I filed (we will get a letter, probably next week, addressed to both of us, saying I filed). Your suggested relationship talk will probably happen then. O in conjunction with this, shut off her access to my bank account in the States. Open up my own Swedish bank account, from where I can control the flow of funds into our common, bill paying account and the mortage account. O before the kids and I go to the States for fall break and see my folks, put in 50% of the mortage due at the end of this month into the Swedish bank account (plus some extra for bills and sundries), and tell her she needs to put in the other 50%. Given her lousy income situation, this will hurt. (I don't feel bad though, as she never put in what she did earn over the last year into our common account, instead keeping it for herself. She also has monthly payments to make to the Swedish tax authorities which I will no longer provide for). O call up a real estate agent and have our house inspected, to get an idea of its worth and what should be fixed up to increase this. I will only fix up what returns more than we put in. O do you have more ideas?
She called me an a-hole at our last talk, probably because I mentioned cutting off money. I didn't feel this was fair, however, given how she has treated me, watching out for herself first and any others later.
Doing all this is hard for me, as I a not a fighter by nature. I've been waking up at 3 every morning, unable to sleep, dreading the fights this entails. Still, this can be done step by step, and I don't intend to be exploited any longer. Maybe all the screw tightening will bring out the true person in her.
The even harder part is the new place/new person/new situation stuff. I would like to keep the house here and kick her out, saying she can keep her half as an investment. I could pay the whole mortgage then, subtracting her 50% of the mortgage payment plus interest from the final selling price. She would have to agree to not be here any longer, no longer use the garden (which she loves), and get out of my hair. That way, the kids can continue having a nice living situation. If we do have to sell the place, I can imagine building a whole new, really energy efficient house. Our current situation, in town, within walking distance of stores and schools, on the water, etc. is hard to beat, however. Perhaps the legal requirement that Sweden places on divorce – "always what is best for the kids" – will enter in here.
The find a new person stuff I can imagine doing via match.com or similar services. I hear from others how hard it is to meet someone new when you are divorced. Why not use the Internet, taking appropriate precautions (prenuptial agreement, condoms, etc.)? How are you dealing with this?
A large question is also whether I should move back to the States. Sweden is great in many ways, but so is the States. I am from Boston and just this morning saw how much is going on there. At nearly 50, such a move also turns, at least partly, into a "where do I want to spend the rest of my life?" deal, not so easy. A step at a time seems a good strategy.
Windy and in the 40s -
A good weekend to you -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
