I pretty much feel the same. Did my W ever come to me before her A and tell me we were in trouble - Nope. It was the exact opposite that occured. Through out our M all I heard was how much she loved me and our family. Now the story is much different. If it was really that bad how could I have been expected to change or better our R without knowing there were problems of this magnitude. If what my W now says is true, I was on trial the year before the A and did not even know it. If she really tried why did she not fill me in... I know none of us are perfect...but I also know/feel that none of us deserve this.... I try to look at the positves. This has been a time of great pain, but, it has been a time of personel growth for me. I still have two precious daughters that adore me and I them.... I won't lie the loss of my M hurts like he!!...but knowing the burden this is going to be for my girls and not seeing them daily hurts even worse now.
Journaling: Today was pretty good for the most part. I did get an unexpected phone call from a church friend whom talked to my FIL. I guess my FIL is concerned about the damage that the L's will create and wonder if I was willing to drop the L's and just use a mediator. I explained to him that this was out of my control now that it is in our L's hands. As far as I know, because I am not the one who filed, my W would have to stop the D and fire her L for this to occur. Then my L would have nothing to do as far as this D. Then we would have to start the whole process over again with a mediator. I told him that I just didn't see that happening. I told him that hopefully once we all sitdown we can work through any of the issues that are there. If not then it goes in front of a judge. He agreed that was what at this point should probably happen. I also mentioned to him that it seems to me that people are trying to make this easier on my W and nobody is telling her that this is the bed that she made and needs to lay in it. That actually frustrates me.
Now tonight started off with me picking D5 up from my W's friends house and bringing her to her soccer game. Once we got home we just hungout coloring and then watched a movie on the floor of my family room. Then while putting my girls to bed I was sadden by the thought that my time with my girls at my house fulltime is starting to run short. While putting D5 to bed I finally teared up. My D realized right away that this had to do with them moving out. She real is an awesome kid. I hope that I did not screw up or say anything out of line. I at first just kept telling her that I was sad.....In the end I end up telling her that her mommy did not want to be married to me anylonger and there was nothing that I could do about it and that I was sorry for that. I reassured her that neither of us were going away and that we both loved her and her sister. I just now worry that I came off blaming my W for all this and put a burden on my DD that could have been avoided. I was not expecting this to happen...it just did.
