Hi Christa, Been following your sitch for awhile. H sounds angry which is good. Angry means you still have feelings to work out. The toughest thing I and a lot of us on this BB has had to do is let go of the rope. When the WAS is pulling on the rope the worst thing to do is pull back by trying to convince them to stay. Just let go of the rope and watch them fly back on there butt. Once they get up and wonder what happened I was expecting you to pull back they might change their tune. It does take a lot of effort to go through the D. There is a lot of things that need to be done which take time. A lot of times it's the empowerment from the threat of the D that is the mean reason they do it. Just hang in there and let go of the rope you can always pick it up again when you feel the slack
He told me if I wouldn't have filed then, we wouldn't be where we are. And then reminded me that I was the one throwing this temper tantrum, that he wasn't that bad of guy, that he put a roof over my head for four years and that I walked away. I just listened and cried. Seems to be all I can do right now. Then he ended the conversation with he will call me at the end of the weekend so we can discuss our wants...I think I'm done talking with him. He was just so cocky and arrogant. I know the way I left, and how I left was wrong, but man, he is just not the same person I married...I just feel this has all gotten so out of hand.
Hi Christa, I have a couple of thoughts that crossed my mind when I was reading your post so here goes.
You're right it has gotten out of hand, all of our sitch's seem to be that way. But we have to play with the hand we're dealt.
It sounds to me that your H has entered a defensive attack mode. What I mean by that is the old mentality of "the best defense is a good offense".
Could it be that the cockiness and arrogance on his part are a bit of false bravado to maintain his composure right now? The reason I ask is that I know that for a while I did some of this, I tried not to be arrogant but I decided that I was going to do what I wanted and if that conflicted with her interests or her plans then so what. My thought was that she chose this new life, not me, so if it inconvienenced her well she had better get used to it. It probably came across as arrogant to her.
I think that if you stand your ground and don't let him drag you into a fight you can wait him out. Keep DB'ng and see if the attitude diminishes.
Stay strong Steel
M 39, W 35 D7, S5 Friends 18+ Together 11+ Married 8 ILYBINILWY 4/7/07 - A BOMB 4/29/07 Seperated 5/16/07 - D Filed She Moved out 7/1 D Busted 6/15/08
I can relate to the anger and cockiness...I get that alot from my H. I don't understand it either. Like another person already said, I try to remember that anger is a feeling and if he is angry with me, he still feels something!
Me: 30 H: 28 Separated: 06/01/07 D bomb: 07/17/07 after me pushing and pushing! #2 bomb: 08/13/07 Once again, I pushed!! #3 bomb: 01/08/08 Previous Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1322680&page=0&fpart=1
Thanks BM07,Steel, and Not an ex...you guys rock!! You know just when a girl needed to hear something positive! Thanks again, will keep you posted. The way he talked he is going to see his lawyer next week...I will believe it when it happens. He also said he would call next week so we could discuss without lawyers what we want..I plan to ignore the call. I plan to ignore, for the simple fact the last two times we have talked, all he has done is wanted to fight and name call, i don't really need this or want it to come to that. thanks again guys & ((HUGS))
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Sorry to hear it isn't going according to plan right now. Just wait and see what happens, detach and act as if! I feel your pain, it isn't over until the papers are signed and sometimes even then it isn't over.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
So, H text me yesterday and asked me to come down...I said no thanks, he then asked if I had talked to my atty, I said no...next thing I know he calls me...and was like I was hoping you would want to come down, so we could talk about working things out...but now I see you have your same old attitude back, and don't want to talk about things...so never mind that. I was like, wow...this is a change from the guy that left me in a bar crying...so we talked back and forth for a while, he said he still doesn't know what he wants but he was hoping I would come down becuase and I quote "i'm horny!" so now, I'm wondering if he truly wanted to work things out, or if he just thought I would come down for that soul purpose. I'm even more confused than ever. I was like I thought you wanted a D, my guard is up, and I'm not sure what to do...part of me feels he threw the D card out as a method of revenge (my h has done stunts like that before)...I don't know my mind is racing, just wondering if he truly wanted to work on things, or just said that to mess with my mind....argh! this is just insanity!!
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
H text me today, asked me on a date...wow...way confused now. So the plan is nothing big dinner and a movie tomorrow evening. All at his place... my emotions are soaring. One week ago, he told me he was embarassed to be associated with me, and wanted a D, now this. So confused....I don't want to be just a s*x buddy to him, as in our last conversation he insinuated that. I just don't know...any suggestions???
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
So confused....I don't want to be just a s*x buddy to him, as in our last conversation he insinuated that. I just don't know...any suggestions???
Take the invite (which you already have) and set your personal boundary that you will not just be a sex buddy. If he makes a move to have sex before laying out his intentions of either working things out or not, stop him and tell him how you feel. Let him know about your boundary, and tell him you'd like to talk to him about your R and where he wants it to go. However, make sure that a) HE initiates any R/M talk prior to sexual moves on his part, or b) YOU do so if he moves right into sexual advancements without R/M talk. Does that make sense?
Don't be his play thing if you don't want to be -- make sure his desire to be with you and work things out is genuine before becoming intimate with him. That's my suggestion.
& ((HUGS))