Is it time to cut him off?

[NikB]

I'm replying to a whole bunch of stuff at once - this may get long but hope it's helpful.

Guilt or no guilt- does it really stop them from dating ultimately? Do I want guilt to be the only factor that keeps my H from dating?

This falls in the category of "out of your control." NOTHING guarantees that he won't date - look at all the people here who thought that had the most devoted, committed H in the world, one who would never cheat in a million years... heck I believed that about mine for a very long time. In my heart I still want to believe it but I know I'm wrong. ANYONE may cheat, and you can't control it.

If I were out in the dating world (for real) wouldn't I want the guy to WANT to be with me for ME, not because of guilt? Ok, sure, guilt (commitment,etc) are great motivators to get a marriage thru the tougher times, but he moved out; he's not trying to make it thru the tougher times. He is looking for greener pastures. We have talked about commitment and marriage vows and he doesn't think they apply.

Yep. You're exactly right here, he doesn't want to be or feel married right now. He may or may not change his mind - and if he does, you may or may not want the M anymore.

I'd quit thinking of it as "fake" and start thinking of it that you ARE in the dating world for real. I think it will make it much clearer to you how to act, what to say, etc. You're still trying to both "win" him, and evaluate him as a long term partner. You would never put so much pressure on someone you were just getting to know. Heck you may not have met his family yet, nevermind something as important as going to Thanksgiving with them... maybe he's one of those guys who doesn't bring a girl home til he's pretty darn sure she's "the one"...

You might have chosen not to date others but he hasn't made that choice yet. Act that way and see what happens.

I don't know if I can make it the rest of October before pulling the plug.

What do you mean by this? If you mean filing for D.. well, that's pretty drastic and I don't think you're anywhere near that point mentally, emotionally, etc. I don't see it at all.

If you mean finally letting go and taking care of yourself... GOOD!! Don't wait one more day to do that, Agent99. No end of October, NOW.

Take control of your life - that's the key word - YOUR life. I totally agree with Dom, this statement tells me that you're letting way too much revolve around your H right now. I hope you'll take it as the wake up call it should be.

I am a bloody fool. I feel like a jerk for letting him back in so easily.

You're not a fool or a jerk, you're dealing with some incredibly difficult things here. That said though.. you need to really start taking care of yourself. NOW. Not when your H does this or that... not at the end of October or the end of 3 months... NOW.

Did you see my post about the Boundary books? Will you get one of those and see if it's got the "ah ha!" moments for you, too?

I totally agree with Dom that you should focus on yourself for awhile (not shutting H out but stop revolving your life around him), and see where it leads. Patience is your friend here, in many ways - financially, emotionally, all of that.

Set and work on some personal goals.

It's not so much that I want to demand commitment, per se. I just think that I am being used as a spare tire until he can find the brand new tire that strikes his fancy. And THEN how am I going to feel? Fricking Used, that's how! He said it all when he said that "So far" we were dating exclusively. If that isn't code for "until I find something more compelling", I don't know what is.

He's not there... he just isn't. If that means you're done, then fine, you're done - but I sure don't think you are.

Quit ASSuming you know what he's saying. He probably doesn't even know what he means half the time. It's not worth spending time analyzing it to death.

And stop acting like the victim,the spare tire... these choices are YOURS. Take ownership of that, and make the right choices for yourself. I can promise you that if you're feeling like the "spare tire," it's coming across in your actions. Know in your heart that you are beautiful, strong, wonderful, and act that way.

And then, as Dom says, if he's acting like a jerk you address it. Calmly, matter of factly, directly, and then get yourself out of the situation immediately.

This is an excellent point Dom makes:

there IS a difference between "treating you like an annoyance", vs "not agreeing to be committed to you yet", do you agree?

And if you go back to what I suggested, treating this like it really IS the dating world, I think this will become far clearer to you.

If you're on a date and someone's not committed yet but you hope they will be someday, you are either going to get clingy and pushy and they'll bail, or you'll keep being your charming, beautiful, wonderful self and they will be drawn to you and decide to commit to you.

On the other hand, if you're on a date and they're behaving like an a$$.. you're going to be 1. finding your way out of the date ASAP, and 2. thinking long and hard about it before you choose to go out with him again.