...has anybody had a WAS totally cut off contact for months, aqnd then come back to the marriage? If so, was there somehting that happened to jumop start communication?
See if you can find brandnewday's post b/c she and her h are in piecing but he was gone a long time, if I recall correctly.
Also, I have two relatives who actually divorced (well, their spouses divorced them) and then remarried them later on. IN both their cases, they gave the WAS the space/divorce they sought, after trying to keep things afloat. But the WAS's left and worked out whatever it was they wanted to work out. IN both of those cases, the LBSer also moved on, GAL, improved themeselves as partners, etc and were civil whenever they ran into each other. I think they all had to see each other now and then due to kids, but there was No pursuing by the LBSer as I recall.
Then my uncle called my aunt after seeing her at a family function, and asked about having a drink. They did, and at some point he asked her if she was happier single and she said she was not. My aunt never really spewed at him, nor did she chase him or give him the idea that she was waiting around.
My cousin K, and his wife divorced and had 2 kids. B/C of the kids they'd see each other at some important family functions and K was always civil to his ex-W. He didn't show her a lot of anger but pretty much acted like he was the type of man only a fool would leave. Eventually they'd start talking about safe topics, and that grew into friendship, which lead to their reconciliation. K says their 2nd M is better than the first, and my aunt also said her 2nd M with uncle was better than the first one was. In both cases it was the WAS who made the move to reconcile.
FWIW. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
thank you for that. We haqve no kids, no built-in reason to stay in touch....so we are not. I truly believe we are to be together, but it is hard to stay the course when he has been gone - completely dark - for 2 months...... i wish everyone were as helpful in looking at thge positive as you are....thank you!!!!!
Let's see.....xh walked out the door almost 2 years ago, he "had" to have the divorce, it took him 10 months to file then 1 year for final divorce. It was what he had to do. I understand this now. So....we have been divorced for Oh my....3 months tomorrow. He is slowly turning around now...
Things take time.......this is where patience comes to play. We will go as long as a month or more without speaking but we still own our home....it's kinda for sale, but no one is activly working on selling it.
I recieved and email from him today. The first one in a long time, well actually 2 years. He was more open and honest than I have ever heard him to be during this ordeal. I understand now what he is going through so I just sit back and continue doing what I do......some take longer than others.
I am in no way saying he is on his way home. I am simply saying.....I believe him to be heading that way. Now, let's just hope he doesn't take too long to get here. Oh we have no children either.
Being still is so wonderful.....
Good luck!
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
has anybody had a WAS totally cut off contact for months, aqnd then come back to the marriage? If so, was there somehting that happened to jumop start communication?
Wantlove,
First, Sweetheart was a Drop-In, so he did not drop contact. BUT...I know it seems long, but two months is not a long time. You may have a Dropout. Or not. Each individual has his or her own cycle...for whatever in life. In MLC Sweetheart's cycle was calling a lot the first week was gone (he came and went 6X). But I did not answer or respond. So for the next 2-3 weeks he would drop contact possibly with tidbits of mean testing or pestering calls. Then he would be back to contacting me and wanting to do things together. In the slightly bigger picture he was a 3-monther. Home 3 months, OW 3 months...repeat. His 2-3 weeks of sort of avoiding contact--with little jabs--may be shorter than most, I think 3-monthers may also be shorter than most.
MLCers need space. For some that means a complete lack of contact. And maybe that lack of contact would be beneficial to others...but instead many Drop-In and perhaps this slows their progress.
Sweetheart and I do not have children yet either. That worried me early on. But place your Faith in your relationship and your bond. The bond is with you.
And some MLCers are Dropouts...they can go months without contacting the LBS...and even kids--regardless of whether the kids are adults or young children.
Put your Trust and Faith in your MLCer and in God...that this space is helping him sort through this crisis. All is good, we just need to adjust our attitudes.
WOW....I can;t believe the wonderful responses i've gotten. It al3qys seems like every post here just says to as\cdt as if, GAL, work on you, etc.... while "showing" your changes...tough to do with NO contact. I finally feel like there may be a tiny sliver of potential hope. You have all helped me more than you know. WHY CAN;T EVERYONE BE SO POSITIVE? Being piositive doesn;t mean not telling the truth of what may be to come, but it helps me get through topday, and for now, that is all I can do. You are all wonderful....don;t lose track of me, pease!
We won't lose track!! You just keep posting and we will try to keep you uplifted! Keep in mind tho...we do have our down days!!!
There is more than a tiny sliver of potential!! you gotta have faith....damn, I almost broke out into the George Michaels song
Hey! So you don't see him for a few months.....imagine him seeing you with all your new blossoming going on.
Hon....it is about working on you, acting as if.....this is how you will learn to detach from him. No, I am not saying forget about him, just detach and learn about you. The rest falls into place. I gave this as an example once long ago... Lets say your flying out on a trip, the stewardess does her thing and says.....please place the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST before anyone else. So....same applies. You must first help yourself before you can help those around you.
It sucks.....but truly a lesson woth learning.
Hell, I'm divorced and GAL, but I still have hope. I am still learning.......how to be me.
Luv ya!!
HUGS
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Thanks for starting this thread. We've talked a lot about how the connected MLCer finds his way back, but it seems it's a different path for the Drop-out. It sounds like the drop-out does the journey on his own, and when he/she is ready to connect, he is fully ready. I had more of the angry, connected MLCer ( like MrsH's H, although her H takes the cake). My feeling is that there is hope for the marriage in ANY situation, but beyond that, the LBS can move forward with a richer self awareness and love. I have to say, before my H's MLC, I always had low self esteem; his rejection of me initially made me feel worse, but over time I began to think, " hey, I am not THAT bad," which then moved to, " hey, I am pretty cool, even with my flaws." I know now I will never sell myself short again, and that is a priceless lesson to learn.
Just hoping in the future I get to learn lessons an easier way.
Being positive is key. Keep looking at your sitch in a positive way if that`s possible. Your PMA (positive mental attitude) is so very important.
2 months is not very long, although it seems that way to you. You`re doing great in giving him his space, we all know how hard this is, but you will get through this.
I am glad I am not the only one who feels left out of a lot of these discussins, because I have no contact at all. It seems like all of the strategies are directed to those with contact, however limited. I will keep posting, as it is getting harder and harder to get through each day, when I though it would get easier, at least a little bit. Some days, I get angry that I wake up in the morning and have to do this all agin.....i certtainly need help.
