I live it and dream it.. ugh!!

[25yearsmlc]

Lovelyolive,
I like that name. One comment, and btw, I don't know your whole sitch. But the comment about the WAS not knowing whether the LBSer can really move on and forgive kind of irks me and it is said quite often.

IT's as if they want a guarantee that THEY get a free pass, they don't want you to throw anything in their face and THAT part of it is understandable. After all, if the LBSer truly cannot ever get past the pain, then really what IS the point of staying M? I get that. BUT sometimes it seems as if what the WAS really wants in the event of return, is not to have to face the consequences. Like they want to have a "deadline" of painful accountablility and then they want off the hook. But we all process things differently. Somehow we all have to live "in the now" and since I'm in "Piecing", I have to say that it is the only thing that seems to work. IT doesn't work perfectly, but it helps a lot. I cannot make my h see all the damage he did and even if I could, I sometimes think it'd destroy him.

THe questions are: 1) can we at least believe it won't likely happen again (knowing there are no guarantees even if they did promise...)? and 2) can we have a decent relationship from now on?

Do you and your h have fun much these days? Are you able to put aside, however temporarily, the pain of the A and focus on an evening/weekend of closeness or fun? IF you can do this, I think you have a chance. About 18 months ago my h had a conference in a resort town I attended and brought our daughters. Because I feared it might be our last vacation together, I focussed totally on good things about h so that the girls could see his good qualities, and I wanted them to have happy memories of this time. MAybe I also wanted h to notice, but I don't recall that. Anyhow, for four days I was able to put aside ALL my pain and bitterness and trust issues, which wasn't that hard since I knew I was only doing it for four days. Well, guess what? We had a ball. I am serious. I really enjoyed myself and so did the girls and everytime h did something that might have irked me at another time, I chose instead to believe his explanations (we're talking about thoughtless stuff maybe, not big deals) and not negatively view them. Anyway, we had a lot of fun and were intimate and it felt like the M did 20 years ago. Hard? Yes, but not complex.
IT is when I'm able to do this well, that our M really gets energized. IF you can do it, for even one night at a time, it's a start. And if you cannot do it, after awhile, you'll know that too much water has passed under the bridge, perhaps.
Also, you'll have to accept that your h may not ever view his A the way you do...we all tend to view our marital histories differently, no matter what. So we have to ask ourselves if we want to be right, or happy?

But if you can, the more time you can put aside the pain and focus on the present, the more quality time you'll be building AND the more realistic it will look to your h, that you two can again be happy. THat will motivate him as well. THe more time that passes with you two getting along, the better. You're adding chunks of conflict free time that will seal your bonds more. Build on those.

But, a lot of time has passed without him having to choose. At some point he may become quite used to that...which is not good.
Take care and keep posting.
j-