Update: I want to Salavage my Marriage

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi OT,

Yes, I was/am going to a C. I was going 1 time a week prior to vacation. I often take the kids with me for family therapy. It was the same C that saw my wife and I (about 3 or 4 times) and I just kept going.

I am not sure if I want to continue with this C. She thinks my W is an abusive, depressive alcoholic and actually thinks the big D is inevitable and the best solution. My W hates this lady anyway and refuses to ever see her again. I am think that I would like to do a more Christian faith-based counseling.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Heim,

Yep, you are right. I just say "I don't want to fight". She knows one of my goals is to have 1 day without fighting. I think the alien within purposefuly trys to derail this goal.

I am going to drop in on your sit as I have not checked in lately. I think it is real sad we lost Atlas. I was so pulling for that poor dude that I almost cried.

Best,
--Chris

[Heimlich]

Sounds like a good move to drop that therapist if she/he is going to work at cross-purposes with your goals.

Just keep dropping that argument rope (not soap ), at some point, she'll get tired of it.

I'm still not totally sold that the Atlas saga is over. While it wouldn't surprise me if it were, I wouldn't be surprised if his W came back either. To paraphrase Monty Python, "She's a loony." (At least at the moment).

Not terribly much happening with me, but any feedback is welcome, as always.

BD

[still trying]

Are you making a goal to be around the house more? Why? It sounds like it's not too pleasant around there, I know it's tempting to want to spend time around her but think about whether it's productive or not.

The one thing lately that get's my W's attention is me doing things on my own. It gives us something to talk about and for some reason seems to make her curious about me. I think women like independence and strength. Make an effort to go out more, do some things you enjoy, for your own sanity. See how she responds. That doesn't mean avoid her, but let her see that you aren't needy, you are fine on your own and you are going to move on with your life. I know it seems to be a big gamble, but at this point what do you have to lose.

Also, no pressure means no pressure. Period. You do not talk about the R, you do not bring up counseling, you do not point out you want to save the M. PERIOD. Not unless she brings it up. I wish I could rewind 3 months and knock that into my head...

These two things have made a world of difference for me. Along with them I have also started to really let go. Letting her go (truly accepting that right now it's over, even though that may change some day), doing more on my own and putting zero pressure on her (this also means no displays of affection or wistful looks) have made a dramatic change in my R. I am nowhere near saying we'll make it, not at all, but I can say that I am more relaxed and having fun and my interactions with W are much better. We actually talk now more than we have in the past few years. We're sharing more of each other's lives. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and share everything with her (everything but my R thoughts that is). I'm supporting her goals and dreams, because I want her to suceed.

All of this I am doing for me. I am being the person I want to be, not the person she wants me to be. Once I really started to let her go, I went from trying to hard and being needy to just being my natural easygoing caring fun loving self. Almost like the pressure was off and I could just be me rather than trying to be what I thought she needed me to be. Is that going to win her back? I don't know, but I know it helps me stay stable and happy and it's certainly much more likely to draw her back than all the other things I did wrong.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi ST,

The interesting dichotomy is that she complains when I am not home and then complains when I am home! Honestly, I would rather not be around her. I am going to a Kings' game Friday and she is bent about that.

I agree about the no pressure. I have such a problem with that as I perceive a problem and want to start fixing it. There is wisdom in recognizing this and stopping that behavior when it happens.

Thanks for the input!

Best,
--Chris

[still trying]

Ah yes, been there

The best guess I have is that although our W's are ok with divorce and say it's over, they aren't really so sure. At least with my W I'm pretty sure this is the case. You are kind of a safety net for them, that should they change their mind they want to know you'll still be there. Moving on and doing things independently is a threat to that.

At the same time, it's also a threat to their decision. They have it mapped out in their head who you are and how you'll react. When you start to do things differently, they get ticked off. They don't want you to be different, because then they see you're not the same person they decided to leave and it makes them question their decision. It makes them angry because they don't want to rethink their decision, they want it all to go just like they planned. I'm not saying they sit around thinking about this, it's probably mostly unconcious thoughts they don't really grasp.

But that's just my analysis. I see the anger at this as a good sign. It shows that you are doing something that challenges their view of you. Yeah, they may get ticked off and feel threatened, but eventually they'll have to face that and start thinking about what they are doing.

[SuperDad]

Hi Chris,
You are getting great advice here. Glad to see you are sticking with it and learning the ropes! The whole detaching thing is a bit surreal as it involves giving up in order to have the chance to succeed!? Strange but true!

Best wishes, SD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

I was kind of lucky in that my wife told me to make some changes or it is over. So she has the concept of the ugly and hated Chris and she wants a new and improved Chris. However, I do think that ST is right, she is already checked-out and convinced that ugly Chris cannot change. Anything I do to the contrary only engenders acrimony.

The detaching part is the worst. It is so very counter-intuitive (especially to problem solver types). I just want to grab her sometimes and scream: "I love you and let's fix this leaky ship." But I won't, becuase the advice and conventional wisdom (aquired through here and the DB books) tends to indicate that would not be productive.

I do think we are in a better spot than 6 months ago. She is spending more time with me and the kids and actually wants to "put in an effort." I just stay cool, do my DB thingie (technical, academic verbiage - look it up), and dodge the bullets.

One final thing for this post: Thank you all very much for your continued guidance, support, advice, and best wishes. Who would have thought that this board would be such a blessing? Many have been great, most all productive and helpful, some frustrating, some not so helpful, but ALL very much appreciated. It is good to have so many thoughts and prayers; keep it up!

Best,
--Chris

[Heimlich]

do my DB thingie (technical, academic verbiage - look it up),

LOL. Can you imagine posting something like that a few months ago? You are changing.

Keep it up, my man. Sounds like some positives from the W.

DB Thingying, full steam ahead.

BD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey Heim,

I think I am changing in many respects. For me, going to church a lot helped. I have a long way to go, but I am moving along.

Thanks for the post!
--Chris