My relationship with GP is really quite complicated because we are highly compatible on some levels but don't even speak the same language on other levels (he says he can't understand me sometimes because I talk too fast like someone from New York).
Been there, done that, totally have THAT particular t-shirt. Keeps things interesting. But also opens ample grounds for misunderstanding. Communication, as clear as possible, is key.
As for the trust-him-to-follow-him-into-alley syndrome I suspect it's something a lot of men would like, deep down. Most of them don't articulate it anymore because they have a history of getting smacked over the head by someone like me when they do. *walks off, whistling*
And how to you feel about this: Do you want to be with a man you can trust if he says it's all right to follow him into an alley filled with homeboys?
Corri hand shooting up in the back of the classroom.
I don't know about Mo... but I know I want that. I have had a glimmer of that kind of trust with one person, so at least now, I know what that feels like, rather than just imagining what it might feel like.
It is what I seek. It is nearly impossible to find. I'm not talking about blind faith. It is the knowing of "I know this person is delivering his truth. Not what he thinks it is, what he knows it is."
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There are people that simply don't trust others based on their own issues and not because of the other person.
I've recently run into this in myself... and for me, it is directly tied to my own sense of personal 'safety.' I've recently come to accept that my personal sense of safety is very skewed, and I can whazz out if something even seemingly benign comes along to trip my defense mechanisms (big shocker for lots of folks here, huh?). I'm not necessarily talking about... physical safety, tho that could be part of it... guess more along the lines of 'emotional safety.' And that doesn't really qualify in the 'vulnerable' department for me, either. Hard to explain.
Anyway... I'm heading back to the shrink to route this one out... it is most perplexing to me... I think it may be tied into years of dealing with emotional abuse and the constant, simmering anger of a passive aggressive. It's left quite a mark on me.
Uhm, sorry for the hijack Mo... just needed to vent...
Most of them don't articulate it anymore because they have a history of getting smacked over the head by someone like me when they do. *walks off, whistling*
Then don't smack him on the head, silly. Ride on the back of the horse with your knight, in your nice pretty princess dress, and when you run into a dragon, send your knight off to slay it with a kiss and a look of faith. Then when he turns his back to walk toward said dragon... you very calmly look the dragon in its eyes, and mouth the words (so your knight cannot hear you) "if you harm ONE hair on that man's head, and I have to get down OFF this horse, there will, by GOD, be hell to pay." And then smile sweetly.
Then don't smack him on the head, silly. Ride on the back of the horse with your knight, in your nice pretty princess dress, and when you run into a dragon, send your knight off to slay it with a kiss and a look of faith. Then when he turns his back to walk toward said dragon... you very calmly look the dragon in its eyes, and mouth the words (so your knight cannot hear you) "if you harm ONE hair on that man's head, and I have to get down OFF this horse, there will, by GOD, be hell to pay." And then smile sweetly.
But that's just how I do it! How did you know?? *g* The head smacking was back when I was young and foolish. Yes, there was such a time, it pains me to say.
Not sure what's "Schnarchian" about following him down a dark alley. Could you explain.
As I recall, Schnarch used the analogy of being the first to venture down a dark hallway when one spouse starts to become more differentiated. The message being something like "I am choosing to venture down this hallway and face my fears in search of a better more passionate relationship. I hope that you will follow." or something along those lines. Of course, what happens psychologically is that one spouse being brave or differentiated enough to venture down the dark hallway tends to either increase feelings of bravery directly in the other spouse or force the issue of choosing between the fear of venturing down the hallway or being left behind alone.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Here we've got women talking about everything from cows, monkeys, swans, bunnies...to phucking moose, ducks, ferrets and whatever else kind of animal that comes to mind and we men are the weird ones ??????
Well... yeah, doi. Like Mo says... ya gotta keep up with the analogies... sheesh.
And how to you feel about this: Do you want to be with a man you can trust if he says it's all right to follow him into an alley filled with homeboys?
Who wouldn't? However, I believe that it isn't all that easy to get there. Stupid fears and hidden mechanisms to overcome. Therefore, I wonder if you can really ever trust anyone but yourself or what I really mean is I wonder if you can ever trust anyone beyond the level that you trust yourself. Sometimes I might behave as though I trust a man but really I'm just being foolhardy/bold or excitement-seeking. Other times I might act like I trust a man but really I've got my own back covered and an extra gun hidden in my bra. Even if I really, truly do believe that I trust a man isn't it the case that what I am really, truly trusting is my judgment? OTOH, if I put aside judgment in favor of faith, it seems to me that my trust is no longer in the individual man but rather in the ideal of how I should trust in a relationship. I will choose to trust a man simply because I believe that trusting a man is the right thing to do and I am willing to take the risk of the alley over the risk of a faithless relationship. Realistically, I believe that there must be some sort of balance between well-founded trust and well-meaning faith.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Here we've got women talking about everything from cows, monkeys, swans, bunnies...to phucking moose, ducks, ferrets and whatever else kind of animal that comes to mind and we men are the weird ones ??????
Well... yeah, doi. Like Mo says... ya gotta keep up with the analogies... sheesh.
You're right, we are weird. Sorry I questioned you. I know my place, I'll just be over here in the closet sorting thru my list of zoo animals (tail between my legs, whimpering back to the whompass closet, couple of whip marks and a lump on the back of my head)
Actually, I feel like I should cop to something here so that maybe you guys can offer some helpful advice/insight. GP made it very clear to me that he didn't want to have sex with me unless I trusted him. I believed that he was right to feel this way. However, even though I had good intentions, I convinced myself that I did trust him because I wanted to have sex even though it turns out that really I didn't. Therefore, I feel like my own judgment is pretty sketchy. It's like in order to get to the carnival I have to go through the alley with a man but on the way to the carnival it's daytime and the alley is brightly lit and I can hear the festive music and practically taste the cotton candy and I so want to ride on the carousel that even if the man says to me "You have to remember that the alley might be dark on the way home and you might be tired and have a bellyache from eating too much candy. Are you sure you still want to go to the carnival?" I am 99.9% capable of convincing myself that I have no issues regarding dark alleys, belly-aches due to eyes to big for stomach or the possible appearance of a maudlin post-carnival clown dressed in street clothes.
Anyways, even though I did rather f8ck up in my usual fashion, at least I managed some self-awareness and regrouped rather quickly. So, "Onward Ho!" I say to myself affectionately.
Whilst on the topic. My daughter put some songs by the Dresden Dolls on a Cd she burned for my car. I must say I appreciate the neo-romantic-post-feminist-HD-slut themes to many of their songs.
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glass slipper
no one's asking to go dancing its not like that anymore its romantic if they mean it when they shut your fingers in the door its a gory sort of story thats been told a hundred times before it gets tricky dont be picky if the slipper fits you wear it whore
how many tips can i take home tonight without them getting mad how many stitches do you think it takes to fix a cut that bad how many minutes until midnight and you get your eyesight back
not to knock it i've been off it never moving very much at once its been awkward i still offer it when its that time of other girls shower but i give out flowers to curious strangers who throw dollars at my feet
how many crimes can i try spotting dry before it leaves a stain how many times say that i love you til it doesnt mean a thing how many fittings must i sit through with my big feet blistering how many strips until it hits me and my big mouth strikes again
i'm not asking to go dancing i'm not that dumb anymore its exhausting to keep smiling when your toes are bleeding through the floor its a gory sort of story thats been told a million times before don't be sorry just ignore me because honestly i'm too sore from fitting exactly to ride into setting suns aching to stand on my own two feet
how many wishes do i still have left to fix the way it ends how many princes will it take to put a girl like this back together again how many instances can you point out where i was less than kind how many happy endings do you need to change your [censored] mind and how much time do we have left before it's midnight and you see that i was never the right size?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Ohhh great Corri, first you send me back to the closet with a book of zoo animals, now there is a carnival with cotton candy, carousels and clowns....I know, I know get my azz back in the closet
