Many thanks to all who have posted here for your inspiring words. Today is a down day for me, at least for now. It's just the pain of day to day limboland, hoping for a chance at a better marriage but a spouse who still won't talk to me. I'm pretty good at giving her space, but it's that space of silence that can be so painful at times.
Baseball Annie, you are so wonderful to stay on these boards! Thank you.
Lissie, your post brought tears to my eyes. I will refer back to it often in times of great hurt. Thanks for what you said. It helps.
Just read your post again, and want to add that I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother and dog. I have two dogs and they are such joyful companions. They have helped sustain me through this crisis. It must have been so hard to see your dog sick and have to part.
You are so right about seeing this as a chance for growth. My therapist has helped me see that midlife transitions/crises are either times when we grow or we choose to cling to the old, limiting ways. I'm more in the "transition" phase than a "crisis" at least as "crisis" is often understood. I recently read a great book in which the author used a wonderful metaphor of times like this being like the trapeze artist swinging to the next bar, or clinging to the old bar. First, it helps to embrace "the dead spot," that moment of transition to the next phase. We can see ourselves and our situations more clearly in the dead spot if we are not afraid to look closely. The choice is ours, and growth is often a bumpy ride but it is worth it. Staying on the old bar out of fear or desire for some security may be understandable, but in the long run is no answer. I see real, deep changes in myself after four months of separation and limboland, and I would not go back to the old me either!
Hi, some great posts - I have been working flat out for the pastcouple of days, and not had much time to post.
ALso have a 'terminal' head cold. [Sniff].
Ummm, I felt a huge amount of anger towards my h yesterday - don't know if was the cold virus, but all my compassion was swept away, and I just thought 'you absolute Schmuck - how could you do this to us - we are just so much too good for you'. Then I read all those great posts, and while I wouldn't say the floodgates of compassion have opened, I do realise how sick so many of them truly are, to give up so much for so very little.
I would not have given up my marriage and kids for anything . . . we are the ones with staying power, grace and compassion. These are rare qualities.
Hugs to all for what we are going through, and what you have given to me
I'm so sorry that you had a rough day yesterday. I hope that you will feel better soon. Patience with yourself, sweetie, best gift one can give oneself.
I do think that each of us comes to one realization in our own time. One that we sorely need to have at all times.
It isn't necessarily about us. Really. Someone doesn't "do this" to us because he is hateful or hurtful or dumb. Someone does this to help himself. The answers are too tough to grasp, so an "easy solution" is chosen.
That's all, and I think the best lesson to be learned here.
The other lessons are that there is beauty in the smallest, ugliest thing. Our loss is also our gain, clouds and silver linings, insert your cliche of choice here....
We are all special in our own ways, and each has something to show the world. Let's dig around until we know what our special gifts are.
Thanks for this - you are right, it is jus tthat I have been doing this for such a long time, with such a difficult MLCer.
I know that there is someting wrong with him - his kids used to adore him, and they feel he has changed beyond all knowing. It is hard to keep up compassion 24/7, especially when tired and with a bad cold.
I know it is totally about him: I would hate to be him with his cardboard cut out life, when he could have been having a rich full life with a family that adored him. I am not gloating about that . . . .
Incredibly wonderful and moving posts. I was so very moved by hearing why people stand. And it makes me understand and know that love is the most powerful force. God is love and I see that in all of you.
Why do I stand for my marriage? I stand because I remember:
- when I first felt my heart skip a beat when she smiled at me - every time I looked into her eyes - her beautiful soul inside - when I touched her hand for the first time - when my lips touched hers for the first time and the last time - when I asked her out and she said yes - our first date and how much I wanted the night to never end - how I was always happy to hear her voice on the other end of the phone - how hard it was when to say goodbye when she left for school again - the night we told each other that we loved each other - when we became engaged, secretly and kept it that way for over 6 months - the day I looked into her eyes and we said "I do" - all three times when I was with her when we welcomed our babies into the world and she looked so beautiful holding them, crying and smiling at the same time - all the talks, walks, holding hands, being friends - the tough times we endured together - the trips to Disneyworld
Folks, she is my best friend. Friends don't give up on friends and family means forever. Something bad may be happening to my best friend and she may be doing some mean things to me but I know I have done some powerfully idiotic things. I know we are all human and make mistakes.
I stand because it is the right thing for me to do. I stand because she is my friend even if she isn't acting like one right now. So now, I am being her friend even when she can't stand me.
Best friends put up with a lot of crap because that's what they do.
And, most importantly, I gave my word.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
And thank you Angelica. I had no idea that you created this awesome thread when I was starting to notice the same trend. I need this place where standers are not considered unusualy.
Lis, I know what you have gone through and what you are doing, and I see you as an incredible stander that still stands for M. I love knowing you and am proud of what you do. M&M are the luckiest kids in the world!
Love to all,
mmf
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Thanks for your beautiful post. You eloquently and movingly captured a lot of why I am still hanging in there with my wife, even down to the Disney reference! Last summer my wife and I had a wonderful trip to Disneyworld. In many ways I feel it was the last time we really felt a sense of fun and connection together. If we do reconcile, I'd like to make a trip to Disney one of the first things we do.
I've been out of the house four months and she still won't talk about us. Doesn't say divorce, doesn't say reconciliation. Just doesn't say anything at all. Friends and family have urged me to get "tough" with her and push for at least some sign of commitment, but I know that will only backfire for now. We can't go on like this forever, but for now I'll do what you are doing and wait. Her lack of love or attention hurts, but like you I feel my wife is my best friend, and that despite my mistakes and flaws she's also going through something far deeper and bigger than my shortcomings as a husband.
Thanks for lifting my spirits. I will read your words often, and I hope and pray for a favorable outcome for you and others who are keeping the faith. We're not naive, but we are also not folks who will walk out when times get tough.
