FLTC: from Iraq

[COG]

FLTC,

Regarding your anniversary. Send her a note, just tell her you are thinking about her, and hoping she's doing okay.

Regarding the gift for your D. First, you don't buy diamonds for a recovering out of control teenager. Think of something meaningful, something she can use, ie, a digital camera, an ipod, something along those lines.

Your W has definately opened the door for your cooperation. Absolutely go in together with her on something. First ask her if she had anything in mind. Then depending on her response, you can share your ideas.

Just treat her like you would any other friendly ally.

Love,

COG

[FLTC]

Thanks, gents.

HELP!


Well, 2 hour of sleep last night as my mind spun up another scenario. I had been detaching pretty well, or at least I thought so. As you may know, D16 is at a school in Utah, becasue her behavior was so out of control. I can correspsond with her through writing in the parent portal, and she can respond back. I can't see W.s emails, she can't see mine, but we can both see everything D16 writes. Yesterday, I could not get through to D16 on the phone. I wanted to ask her if she would like to go to FLA over my leave. I wrote her a note on the portal and read several of her emails. In one of them, she talked about being so confused about"My suicide attempt (I told you guys about that if you've been here long enough) ,me attempting this again when I got home and W. dating again" I immediately had the overriding anxiety monster take over my body. When I did reach her later that night, I went through the FLA thing, and asked, wrongly or not, "Is mom dating"? to which she replied "No, but she still wants a D.", I asked when this talk occurred, because they are "refereed" by D16s counselor when they talk, because they had such a contentious relationship. She replied "Very recently" D16 went on to say "Dad, you need to try and look at the upside of divorce. Mom is happier, I'm happy, D14 is happy and S9 is happy. Mom's mood controls the mood of the whole family, so if mom is happy, we're all happy" I'm sure this was all W.-counselor driven exchange. D16 later said that w. never really mentioned D. (?) who knows, she was probably trying to save me! I know I shouldn't have doen this to to D16. I remained upbeat, talked about FLA, said I was happy for her, and told her that I was concerned about evrything she threw out in the eamil

2 hours of shi&&y sleep. I know D. is still a very big, if not certain outcome here, but it was like a punch in the stomach to here that. COG, I'll take your advice on the note.

[mkultra]

I also agree with COG. I am not sure what your W's issues are but it should not stop you from being a loving, honorable, decent man. My parents have been apart for 23 years and my Dad still sends my mom something on their anniversary. They were married 18 years but they will always love each other in a weird way. Just send something the same way you would on Mother's Day. She will always be the mother of your kids. It will be my birthday in a few days. It will be a punch in the stomach if my H does remember. I would prefer if he just buys me something in the name of the kids. If he gets me something from him I would not recover for days. It would be a shallow reminder that I no longer have a H who loves me 100%, a sad consolation prize!

I am sorry for the added dificulties of your sitch but I am glad you have a trip to look forward to. Disneyworld is truly the Happiest place I have ever been. I took my kids to Disneyland as a single mom and it was so amazing!!! I felt so much stronger knowing I could do it. So can you. Yes, your kids are at a diffiicult age for separation but I think any age would be awful, even if the kids were 40!!

[FLTC]

MK,

Thanks. I guess I'm upset at myself for putting my D16 in the midlle of it....again! I leaned on her and was more of a distraught child than a parent. It is certainly part of her baggage. I can't do that again.

[COG]

FLTC,

It might do you some good to browse through the "Surviving the Big D" forum. You'll find a lot of people who have moved on through D, and come out shining or at least glimmering. You'll be OK either way my brother. D is not death.

Try to stay in reality. Even though your W says she wants a D, doesn't mean she really wants a D. If she really wanted a D, she'd have filed by now. No, I'm of the opinion she's still waiting. She's waiting for you.

It's time for you to not fear her anymore. Have you ever stood up to her? Told her to shut her angry trap. When she stomped out the door, did you ever go after her, force her to come back and settle things. She needs someone to be straight with her. Her H, her kids, her friends, they're all afraid of her, so she has nobody to set boundaries for her. Sure, she's a grown woman, and shouldn't need a baby sitter, but what should be, isn't. I think you've lain in the trenches for long enough now. It's time to risk it all, push forward, and don't look back.

Don't ask her if she wants a D, please don't ask her that. Instead, ask her why she's been such and angry bitch? Ask her why she hates your ass so much? Tell her you would love to come home and screw her brains out, but you'd probably have to knock her out first. Be honest with her, brutally honest. Put her in her place. But YOU stay on top, a ferocious, fearless warrior soldier. Do not cower, do not hold back. Show her the MAN you really are. A fearless, strong, determined man, who's not about to take anymore of her crap; but who can love her like no other.

Love,

COG

PS Don't grill your kid's for info, and have faith that everything is going to work out fine, not matter what.

[FLTC]

Thanks, brother. I've got to tell you, when you weren't writing to me for a while, It really threw me. when I see you've written back, it really make me feel that I can go on another day. I sent the email today, based on your suggestions. No expectations. If she filed now, she would be monetarily screwed with my D16 at school in Utah. My father in law has told me the same thing before. I've done that at times and it just makes her more ballistic. She is an angry, angry woman.

D16 is now buying the whole "think of the positives" of D. I haven't been this spun up in ages, since maybe last March. Why does the thought of a divorce juse evicerate me?

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Why does the thought of a divorce juse evicerate me?

Because divorce sucks for so many.

[FLTC]

Hey Hill!

Yeah. It does. I decided to check out the D. but not done, as COG suggested. The first thread I read was written by a guy who could just not move on, even though his wife ahd been dating others through Yahoo personal.

I think that through the sessions on the phone, dD16's counselor hs worked with W. to have D16 buy into the whole D. think. "Dad, please conside the benefits...I'm happy, Mom's happy, and mom controls the emotions of the family, and if mom is happy, we're all happy".......I'm feeling a little better...thanks of course to having this page to come to, and you great folks to help me through. It would be awesome to meet you guys in person. I actually called Frank_D once. It was great.

[COG]

FLTC,

I think the main thing to grasp here is that fear is going to lead you astray.

Fear of D, fear of confrontation with W, fear, fear, fear.

I know the anxiety you are feeling, been there and done that. The thought of D made me want to vomit, or drive my car off a cliff. But what finally gave me peace, was in knowing that I did everything that I could to save my M, and that's all that I could do. I accepted the fact that the kids would survive, I would survive, life would go on.

There is a bright side. Being single, coming and going at will, chasing women, etc. There are benefits to D. I think that the sooner you can accept your sitch for exactly what it is, the sooner you will grow, prosper, and move forward. That change in you might actually make a change in your M, it did in mine.

When I transitioned to acceptance, and stopped bending over backwards for my W, things began to change.

Trust in God to be with you all the way.

God Bless,

COG

[catfan]

So some time back I had one of those "d'uh!" moments. I was thinking about how I seemed to be living in so much fear, fear of divorce, fear of being single, fear of dating, fear that I had lost my wife, fear that my employment situation wouldn't change, etc. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks the opposite of fear is faith. Trust in God, have faith in His plan for your life, have faith that He will take care of you. It was so liberating!

Now the reality is we have to practice faith each and every day otherwise fear creeps in and takes over. I've had a fear based day and it's has sucked all day. Time to get myself back on track. For you FLTC it sounds like its time to get on track and get off the fear train.