Hey all, I am new to the site and have enjoyed reading all the stories of the trials and tribulations of those in similar situations.
I won't go through all the details of my situation, but here is a brief recap...
St. Patty's day 06' my wife decides that she can't take it anymore after a huge blowup between us. The next couple months following that, she proceeds to really get into the single life and gives me all the typical responses about not being IN LOVE and such. End of April 06' she moves into an apartment. I was devestated by this and did all the wrong things. Once again typical. My family urged me to file for divorce so I could move on....I did and it was completely final and over by Oct 06'. I received full custody of children and all assests. She did not fight me at all and in fact didn't even come to court on the hearing date.
The months after it was final was filled with frustration at raising the kids without much help and eventually me finding myself and making great strides in becomming happy with myself. Meanwhile, the ex continued to spin her wheels and becomming unhappy with her new found life.
Throughout this time, I continued to pray that my family would be restored someday and a couple weeks ago I was at the Cathedral in NYC and lit a votive candle to help guide my life in a positive direction. Well, a week ago today, the ex called stating that she had talked to all of her family and a couple of her friends and has decided that she wants to put the family back together!!!
I have hoped and prayed for this to happen since the beginning and now that it has, I AM SCARED TO DEATH!!!
She came over a couple times during the past week and then this weekend we did a family activity Friday night and then her and I went to a concert last night. We have had a nice time together but man is it awkward at times. Last night after the concert I kissed her as I wanted to know what it would be like now. It was better than before!!! It was an actual kiss!!!
Right now, my biggest fear is that I want this worse than she does and will put more effort into it than her and thus setting myself up for heartache again. It is so hard having patience as I want it all now. But, I know that I must be patient and let her come at her pace and also not rush back in just to have someone with me. She has already talked about the moving in part and has dropped little tid bits here and there about "the future" so I am optimistic that this could be real.
So, I am coming to you guys mainly in support but also to receive any and all advice you wish to give.
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
THBA, Welcome to the Piecing forum. It sounds like you would be willing to reconnect with your XW. Take it slow and keep us posted. We'll get to know your situation and history together, and help you along the way.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Well, had a wonderful weekend together. Spent time together with daughter Friday night. Went to a college soccer game really enjoyed it. A complaint that she had of me in the past was that I never wanted to do things so this is a part of the new me towards her.
She came over Saturday and spent most of the day with the kids and I. We did a little organization of the kids rooms which was much needed and definately helped having a womans touch so to speak in regards to completeing this task.
Saturday night, her and I had a "date". Went to a concert and once again had a nice time. It was a good show and we had some nice conversations.
Sunday she spent most the day with us again and the kids went home with her last night.
It is so tough remaining patient with the progress....
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
I'd say continue to go slow and steady. Stay strong and independent, but keep growing in friendship. Even if things didn't work out, for the children it's important to be friends.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Oiy....I am only technically a week into this journey and probably the best way to describe things is like a muscle car reving it's engine!!!
She is actively talking about moving back in and I am anxious for that to happen, but I want it to be under the right terms. I.E. she feels romantically for me, wants to be an active part of the household, feels comfortable being there. While she actively talks about this and talks about some planning of it, she remains reserved in her physical actions. Which I understnad and know that it is a part of the process.
The plan for yesterday was that she was going to come over after work and hang out. Well, late in the afternoon she calls and says it would be easier if she just stayed over rather than going back and forth. She said she would just sleep on the couch or something. I jokingly said that I don't bite and she cuckled. While part of me says that it is too soon for that, I couldn't bring myself to say no either. So I made dinner to which she enjoyed. We watched some TV and played with the kids. After the kids were asleep, we were watching TV and I started to doze off on the couch (we were on seperate couches) and she commented that if I wanted to go to bed I could if I brought her a pillow. So I went and got a pillow and when I handed it to her I (without thinking) casually asked if she was sleeping on the couch. She asked if that was alright and I replied that it was (in probably not a very understanding manner however :-( GRRR ME!!! ). I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and she comes in says she'll sleep in the bed with me if I don't try anything. Told her I wasn't planning to. So, she watched a bit more TV in bed and I gave her a kiss and told her goodnight.
I get up on the early side for work so this morning I tried to be as quite sa I could to not disturb her. I was getting dressed after my shower and I caught her sneaking a glance ;-) So anyway....
Some questions I have for you veterns....
1. How do you know the pace to maintain? I know each sitch is different, but do you go off of gut instinct or actively timeline things?
2. What are some milestones to gauge things by?
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
Hey, it sounds like you've got a lot going for you and the kids. And it was good that you respected what she said about not trying anything.
Quote:
1. How do you know the pace to maintain? I know each sitch is different, but do you go off of gut instinct or actively timeline things?
I'd say you do both...but timelines may or may not work for you and can be awfully artificial and unnecessary. Milestones are better because you will hit them when you both are ready.
More important than any of that, I think, is to stay focused on what's healthy and consistent for families. There is probably no cosmic series of dates/milestones that you need to tap into. It's more about making good decisions when you're ready.
You have all paid a high price to get to where you are. Trusting your W again may be easier said than done.
I was very eager to restore things to normalcy because of our kids and also my desire to get past a very painful part of my/our life. I wasn't, however, prepared for the lingering resentment and difficulty in trusting her again.
It takes a strong will and a tough mind to hold it together when that is going on. I'm not saying that has or will be your experience. But it is something to watch out for.
I think it's important to be emotionally engaged with our spouses and be patient.
The concern that I had about my wife, and that you may have with yours, is that such inconsistent, immature behavior could rear it's ugly head again.
Most marriage counselors I respect recommend knowing someone for at least a year or two before seriously considering marriage. I don't know how that applies to divorced spouses considering remarriage or the possibility of that.
So it seems like taking it slow and deliberate is the best rule of thumb. I don't know if you can gauge things any more specifically than that.
And you commit yourselves to talking alot and making good, healthy decisions together, to the benefit of your family, with no adolescent game playing.
That's just the view from here, pard.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
You have all paid a high price to get to where you are. Trusting your W again may be easier said than done.
I wasn't, however, prepared for the lingering resentment and difficulty in trusting her again.
The concern that I had about my wife, and that you may have with yours, is that such inconsistent, immature behavior could rear it's ugly head again.
I don't know how that applies to divorced spouses considering remarriage or the possibility of that.
So it seems like taking it slow and deliberate is the best rule of thumb.
Yes, we have paid a dear price to get here. But, sometimes you have to spend money to make money so to speak?!?!? There are so many cliches' that could be inserted here but bottom line is that I am hopeful that what the end result is to be will be stronger and more precious than thinkable.
The trust thing is on the back of my mind. I am hopeful that when we hit a rough patch again (which will happen) we will be able to work through it rather than hiding from it. Time will be the test I believe.
I don't feel any resentment at this point. Every now and then when she is telling a story from our time apart, the little green monster awakens inside me. But, I do my best to "act as if" during those stories.
In the past week I have bombarded my mind with searching for how this is supposed to go via the internet. Lots of "take it slow" and other similar tid bits. I know that we are writting our own story and what we are comfortable with is what is best. So far so good I think.
I am not sure about the whole remarriage thing. We are both Catholic so in their eyes we are still married I believe. Have not spoken to our priest yet, but this is my perception. Our 10 year anniversary would be this coming May so I am hopeful that by that point we can recommit ourselves to each other then. I am thinking someplace warm and sandy....
Now for a bit of journaling...
She came over after work again last night. She brought home chinese for dinner and afterwards we all took a walk down to the park and let the kids play for a bit. One interesting thing that I picked up on last night is that she seems to be much more interested in our dog now.
Another item of interest that pertains to her comfort level with me. When getting ready to go to the park, I was in the bedroom putting on a sweatshirt and she came in and proceeded to changed into sweat pants right there in front of me. No bashfulness whatsoever. I didn't gawk or even really look. Inside I was doing cartwheels as I see this as a sign of trust on her part. But I also know not to read too much into it.
After the park, kids did their nightly routine and then her and I watched TV for a bit. Went to bed. Kissed her goodbye and told her to have a good day on my way out this morning.
Never would have imagined this a month ago....
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
Ok....I am hoping some you will chime in here and help me out. Maybe a 2x4 or two might be needed.
Yesterday, I helped my Mom with some stuff and then went home. Ex came over after grabbing some things from her appartment and then we went to eat after she got there. So far so good...
Had a good meal...when we were getting ready to leave, I mentioned that an old friend of ours was in town and that some people were getting together for a drink before she goes back home. Asked the ex if she wanted to go and then called Mom to see if she would watch the kids for a bit. So far so good...
Well, we get home to wait for my Mom and Son proceeds to have a major blowup. He has homework to do and persisted that he needed help with it and is throwing a huge fit. During this huge fit, he said that he was confused. He did not elaborate but he did not want Mom and I to go to meet our friends. We did and he was fine afterwards, but I feel really guilty right now.
Argh.....I am the one who is confused right now!!!
The ex has been staying at the house and sleeping in the same bed as me all week despite her saying at the beginning that she wasn't going to for at least a month. There is no intimacy and I am the only one who initiates kisses (which are more welcome home or goodnight types) or closeness. She is not a very communicative person and this was part of the issue of the past. However, at this point, I am afraid to push too hard for anything but it also drives me nuts not knowing what her feelings are about how things are going. I try looking for visual clues, but don't see anything blatently there either.
This post probably makes no sense...
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
THBA, What kinds of questions would you like to ask her?
If self-expression was a problem for her in the past, than she will need to practice this, if the R is going to be better this time around.
Are there answers to the questions that you have? Are you looking for a security and certainty that she won't be able to provide? Do you need to be more comfortable in the mystery of your situation?
What are your questions?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I just can't seem to get over the feeling that she has returned for other reasons than to truely be with me. Don't know how to broach this subject in a loving and caring manner. My gut tells me to stay the course and see how things develop. But it would certainly be nice to have some affirmations of her intentions.
There are little bits and pieces that I have picked up on that describe some struggles that may have swayed her decision to make things easier if you know what I mean?
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
