The Zoo of the Surreal

[MJontheMend]

I just found it amusing that someone could be so intelligent and yet so lousy at spelling.

I think the ability to spell must reside on one specific gene. My D16 and my S18 both test in the 99th percentile on standardized tests. My D can't spell worth a darn and my S was the Southeastern Michigan spelling bee champ in 7th grade. I think the ability to spell well might be related to memory skills rather than intelligence. My S easily memorizes volumes of information about anything in which he takes an interest. For instance, he knew who was running for every Senate seat in the last election and he knew the names and order of all the Presidents when he was in 1st grade and when he was 2 he assigned made-up names to all his Matchbox cars and then identified cars on the road with those names. However, my D just set the school curve on exams in Chemistry, History and Government so...

[Corri]

Mo:

I think GP is more "in control" than "controlling."

I'm going to take your word for it... you're just getting to know him, and I am learning of him through what you decide to share, and even THAT is through your filter... I'd hardly garner that as a basis for me to say "I think he is controlling."

I think your very best strategy with this guy is to be completely, 100% honest. Or at least as much as you can (sometimes you can't be honest with someone if you don't yet know yourself, kwis?) So when he says stuff like

"Do you think that you'll ever trust a man enough to get married again?"

and you don't quite what to make of that... say it. Or tell him... "I don't know yet. I'd like to think I will... I'm still healing..." or whatever your truth is.

This guy is putting you through your paces... not in a bad way... it's kind of a "I'm going => THIS => way. Keep up. Or not. Either way is fine with me."

No pressure on you. No pressure on him... and you get to have some fun while you do it.

But IF he gets controlling somewhere in there... it's my Corri vote to dump him.

[RealJourney]

I agree. I think you should enjoy the seduction, but keep your wits about you enough to practice being really real with him.

[MJontheMend]

This guy is putting you through your paces... not in a bad way... it's kind of a "I'm going => THIS => way. \:\) Keep up. Or not. \:\) Either way is fine with me."

I believe that you've hit the nail on the head here. Remember the man is a total lifelong jock/coach type.

I think your very best strategy with this guy is to be completely, 100% honest. Or at least as much as you can (sometimes you can't be honest with someone if you don't yet know yourself, kwis?) So when he says stuff like

"Do you think that you'll ever trust a man enough to get married again?"

and you don't quite what to make of that... say it. Or tell him... "I don't know yet. I'd like to think I will... I'm still healing..." or whatever your truth is.

I agree. I think my answer to him was kind of in the abstract because I am unsure. Kind of like "Here's what I think is true" rather than "Here's my true answer." I said something like " I would like to be in a loving and committed relationship for all the obvious reasons and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man I didn't trust or was unwilling to trust because it wouldn't be fair to him and in the long run I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who didn't WANT to marry me although I can imagine there might be valid reasons why that might not be the form the relationship might take."

[Lillieperl]

"I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man I didn't trust or was unwilling to trust because it wouldn't be fair to him"

How about because it would be crappy for YOU?



The whole marriage thing is very puzzling to me. My lady friends and I were discussing this at dinner last night. Something about "being married" sets up a bunch of expectations that are very hard to dodge.

I don't know if my bf would "want" to marry me. I haven't asked him because frankly I don't want to hear the answer, good or bad. I don't want to marry primarily for financial reasons, but if those were not an obstacle, would I marry my bf? I don't think so. I like the amount of freedom I have. I like the lack of expectations (now that I've sort of let go of the standard ones). I don't think he has ever had expectations of me... which has an upside and a downside. I'm probably more detached than most women within a relationship. My age is part of it. At 22 and 40 I did very much want to marry. At 58.9-- not so much. I don't have it all figured out...


ETA: Even at my age, I can imagine marrying IF I felt absolutely positive about the R the way I did about my late H. With him, I never had a moment's doubt that we should marry before we did, nor while we were married, in spite of all the health issues.

The guy I dated before him was more like this current R-- CONSTANT doubt, never being sure, always wondering if I should be here. When I met my H and things fell into place, I said to myself, "Oh, this is what it is SUPPOSED to feel like." So when I met my bf and was riddled with doubt (and still have some doubt), I totally ignored the lesson. Go figure.

[Corri]

Lil:

Head nod, head nod, head nod. I have no interest in marrying any time soon... for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with how I may or may not feel about a man.

I do know that I will not consider marrying ANY man before I have known him for five years.

But many years ago, my shrink warned me about a two-key relationship (two-key meaning, I have my place, he has his)... in that an R can only progress so far given that scenario. You ALWAYS have the option of leaving. It is a false positive.

I keep that in mind. I'm slowly beginning to understand what he means.

I agree with you whole heartedly that marriage brings with it some pretty funky expectations.... and then.... there is that one statement I can think of that makes M worth it.

"I am there for you." Period. In every sense of that statement.

It's ratting out all those other funky expectations before you are ever willing to consider that last statement that's the trick. So in a situation where you are 'happy enough'... M falls by the way side. M, in and of itself, is not the goal. But if we stay in Rs that are 'happy enough,' but you don't want to get married to that person... you never find the person you WOULD be willing to marry. Two-key R.

I'm not saying you are doing this, btw, I'm just wondering about it. I even lost my own dam point...

[MJontheMend]

How about because it would be crappy for YOU?

Well, that's just obvious and I figured GP knew that because that was the question he posed. GP is really big on wanting a woman to trust him in a relationship. He actually used an analogy that was quite Schnarchian when he was giving me his take on the matter. He said that he wants to be with the woman who will follow him into the alley filled with homeboys if he says that it's alright. He also has this theory that the level of comfort a woman has or projects when sleeping in a man's presence or environment is indicative of the degree of trust she has in him. Sex is only part of the reason he really wants me to spend the night at his house. It actually really made him happy that I briefly fell asleep in his presence the other day. Of course that might have had something to do with me ingesting wine rather than my usual coffee -lol . Probably if I borrow a couple Valium from my sister's cancer drug collection I will be able to convince him that I am the girl of his dreams. Men are weird.

[Martelo]

Hey MJ.

Not sure what's "Schnarchian" about following him down a dark alley.
Could you explain.

[Imconfused0807]

Men are weird.

Wait a minute, wait 1 damn minute !!! I've got a problem with this statement Here we've got women talking about everything from cows, monkeys, swans, bunnies...to phucking moose, ducks, ferrets and whatever else kind of animal that comes to mind and we men are the weird ones ??????

[fearless]

GP is really big on wanting a woman to trust him in a relationship.

I think I know what he means. There are people that simply don't trust others based on their own issues and not because of the other person. What I assume is a) he wants to be/is a trustworthy man and b) he wants to be with a woman who is able to trust.

I have to admit that I like to be trusted in a relationship too! It's just that my analogy of trust may be different than GP's:)

He said that he wants to be with the woman who will follow him into the alley filled with homeboys if he says that it's alright.

And how to you feel about this: Do you want to be with a man you can trust if he says it's all right to follow him into an alley filled with homeboys?