Overtly controlling men are the same as hyper passive aggressive ones.
Corri,
Are you saying that you believe GP is overtly controlling? If so, why do you think so?
So far from what I've read from Mojo my impression is that he is a man with opinions, is decisive and is confident in himself. He may or may not be controlling; I just have not read anything that signals for sure that he is. I guess mojo will have to answer whether she has challenged GP at all or not followed his "advice" and how he handled it. To me that would be the bigger clue to whether he is controlling or just opinionated.
As for the overall comment, how is an overtly controlling man the same as a hyper passive aggressive one? Overtly is the opposite of Passive aggressive isn't it?? If you're saying that an overtly controlling man is just as difficult to have a relationship with, then that statement makes more sense to me.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
The cat didn't get it either and it wants you to know it doesn't eat carrots.
LOL- I'm glad you guys didn't get it because I didn't either so I asked him to clarify. GP and I have really long convos on the topic of relationships all the time but sometimes we don't understand each other because there is a bit of a cultural divide. For instance, even the term "dating" has a different connotation for him than me and I was totally confused by his use of the phrase "she quit on me" which I assumed meant "she left me" but really meant "she stopped doing her part in the relationship". Anyway, what he meant with the mule quote was that he was the mule who really wanted the carrot which was me spending the night so he was motivated to overcome any difficulties (blindness)in pursuit of that goal and therefore I shouldn't concern myself with his problem which was what to do regarding his son.
My relationship with GP is really quite complicated because we are highly compatible on some levels but don't even speak the same language on other levels (he says he can't understand me sometimes because I talk too fast like someone from New York). I'm not "in love" with him but I am quite fond of him and sexually attracted. So, I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether I will like him even better once I gain more understanding and vice versa. I'm not really sure how he feels about me (I think he's confused too) but he did once say that he "more than likes me."
Our relationship on the phone is very much a peer relationship. I think I tend to fall bunny to him in person just because he is so big and he has a very cool and collected manner and he stares at me a lot and asks provocative questions. However, I have discovered that if I respond to his behavior by establishing physical contact then I become less flustered and he becomes less cool - lol . For instance, we're both pretty relaxed watching a video together if I snuggle up and give him a leg to play with. By far the most important thing I have learned about myself since my separation is that what I "really" was missing in my marriage was the whole realm of "positive physical contact" not just sexuality. Sadly, a good part of the problem was simply the fact that my 2bx suffered from severe eczema from birth and therefore was one of the least naturally cuddly/touch-oriented people on the planet. I say "sadly" because I think even if I had been more self-aware about my wider needs for physical affection, I doubt that I would have been able to just rationalize our incompatibility in that realm. I would have had to join a BB called the Cuddle-Starved-Marriage and I would have started checking out Adult-Cuddle-Buddy-Finder.com etc. etc.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I guess mojo will have to answer whether she has challenged GP at all or not followed his "advice" and how he handled it. To me that would be the bigger clue to whether he is controlling or just opinionated.
I would say that mostly I challenge him by teasing him. He states an opinion and I take it to a natural conclusion that he might not have anticipated and then he responds by saying "I see. You've got jokes... That's okay. You got me this time but your time will come. Yes, your time will come (deep baritone chuckle)"
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo, it's really good that you're exploring all of these different sides of yourself by dating different types of guys. That's certainly a positive thing (and a very strong argument to really young people against dating one person through high school/college and then marrying that person without seriously dating anyone else-- not that that CAN'T work out). Different people mirror back to you different aspects of yourself and that can only be a good thing.
P.S This guy does not sound very bright. Bad speller. Cryptic metaphors. You said he treats you like a pet, but is he the slow gentle giant type who is really YOUR pet?
ETA: This paragraph was at the link that Fran provided (my emphasis):
"Love and Desire
"Loving somebody and wanting them aren’t the same either. If you want someone you don’t know, it’s not love. It’s lust or longing. In itself, lust is a healthy feeling, but, alone, it doesn’t signify a healthy, or viable, relationship. Desire is a feeling between mature people who love each other. Even when there is initial attraction, it develops over time. Much confusion arises in relationships between love and desire. You may love someone dearly, but not want them. Remember what I said about behaviour? You may not like their behaviour or lifestyle. They may not turn you on sexually. Love itself does not make a viable romantic partnership. You also need to be compatible on many levels."
We definitely have some of that going on in R's on this BB.
P.S This guy does not sound very bright. Bad speller. Cryptic metaphors. You said he treats you like a pet, but is he the slow gentle giant type who is really YOUR pet?
Here's the thing. He is highly intelligent but he was raised in the cultural setting which our general cultural associates with lack of intelligence due to racism. He is well aware of this and purposefully "tests" people in this regard. He uses "e" or "y" instead of 'i" as he chooses and writes in lyrical or conversational style rather than essay style, picking and choosing his grammar. He has an older sister who has a PhD in English and is an expert in Ebonics. Unfortunately, she is also a black separatist and believes that he is a traitor to his race because he will not date a "prominent black woman". His avocation is music but his day job was in auto design and he worked in the engineering department for one of the big 3. When I said that I can't imagine anyone who seems less like an engineer he did an impression of "how a white male engineer talks" that practically brought tears to my eyes. As I mentioned before, he is fairly fluent in Japanese, Italian and Spanish and if you want to get a feeling for how cultural stereotypes effect you unconsciously, I will tell you the experience of being in the presence of a man who rapidly switches mid-sentence between Ebonics and Japanese or Italian will teach you a little something. Also, he has told me that many of his friends tease him by calling him "Jesse" because of his vocabulary.
Actually, one of the things I like best about him is his conversational style. He has an amazing skill for creating visual images with words in a lyrical fashion making great use of intonation. He says things to me like "Here's what I think intimacy means. We're at a party together, having a good time, smiling, laughing...having a good time. You've got that red dress on and you smell so sweet, so sweet(whispered) ..and we're smiling, laughing having a real good time...and then you catch my eye across the room and then you're at my side saying 'Baby, let's go home now. Baby, let's have our own party now." ... and you won't be sleeping until 3 AM. I will keep you wide awake until 3 A...M! I think you know what I mean. I sincerely HOPE you know what I mean." THAT is why I say I am "mesmerized" in this relationship.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
If you're saying that an overtly controlling man is just as difficult to have a relationship with, then that statement makes more sense to me.
Yes, that was what I meant. As for him actually being overtly controlling, I have no idea. I don't know the man. From bits and pieces Mo is dropping, I am developing this feeling. There are also things that trigger Mo's 'cow.' To me, that is habitual response, for she doesn't HAVE a cow... sounds to me like ALL her animals are sitting real still, because they are all hungry, and getting fed the food they LOVE...
However, having said all that... there is nothing wrong with getting fed, as long as she doesn't start treating her swan like a cow again... then she's going to start getting food she doesn't really like, and might not know what happened...
Lillie - P.S This guy does not sound very bright. Bad speller.
Mojo - He is highly intelligent but he was raised in the cultural setting which our general cultural associates with lack of intelligence due to racism.
I don't think bad speller = not very bright. After all does dyslexia = not very bright??
My XH is highly intelligent white man who graduated at the top of his class in law school and scored in the top 6% of those taking the LSAT and later the Ohio Bar. And yet his spelling is absolutely atrocious!! I just found it amusing that someone could be so intelligent and yet so lousy at spelling.
OTOH Raven has always impressed with his great spelling and grammar and he is highly intelligent also. I love his writing and he keeps me on my toes!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
OK - stop that. Now I want to fcuk him! Just kidding but I love verbal heat!! Good for you for not "categorizing" too fast here. Enjoy the heat, enjoy the sex, enjoy him as a person and if you do "fall in love" then so be it.
Yes, that was what I meant. As for him actually being overtly controlling, I have no idea. I don't know the man. From bits and pieces Mo is dropping, I am developing this feeling. There are also things that trigger Mo's 'cow.' To me, that is habitual response, for she doesn't HAVE a cow... sounds to me like ALL her animals are sitting real still, because they are all hungry, and getting fed the food they LOVE...
I think GP is more "in control" than "controlling." I believe he would definitely "dump" me rather than try to control or change me and that actually makes him seem like somebody "safe" with whom to be in relationship. He has had 5 major adult relationships but has never been married (although he did leave a bride at the altar in his early 20s.) so his experience is very different than mine. I really don't know what to make of the fact that he isn't really opposed to marriage but he just feels that things went sour in his previous relationships before he was ready to commit at that level. He asks me things like "Do you think that you'll ever trust a man enough to get married again?" and I don't know quite what to make of that either.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
OK - stop that. Now I want to fcuk him! Just kidding but I love verbal heat!! - Karen
Me too Uhhhhhh did I just say that ? There I go again, thinking out loud. Maybe it was GP's lyrical talk mixed with Karen's other post about a surf & turf dinner that got me in the mood to fcuk her Just kidding Karen. Ok, I better go before I get myself in more trouble.
Uhhhhhh did I just say that ? There I go again, thinking out loud. Maybe it was GP's lyrical talk mixed with Karen's other post about a surf & turf dinner that got me in the mood to fcuk her