That was a really tough position he put you in yesterday. I think you handled it great. I TOTALLY understand why you were left feeling like sh!t though. That was a no-win situation for you. And it's BS!! Though I will give your H the benefit of the doubt, and say I'm sure he didn't mean for this. He probably is just unaware.
I'd say to stick to sharing only your feelings with him. That wouldn't mean you can't touch on each point you mention, but just communicate from a place of your feelings and not so much opinion. If you can add "like" after "I feel" and it still makes sense, then it's opinion and not your feelings. And it's got to be kept very simple.... which is not easy, I know.
Of course you're feeling angry, irritated, frustrated. I would be too. Good for you for seeing through all of this, and what is really going on! You can be authentic and not fight him or be angry.
I'm not sure telling him what he's doing wrong or pointing things out to him will be helpful. I think it's safe if you stick to your feelings. Just my $0.02
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1. I am not his mommy, so I am not in charge of the decisions he makes. I can provide my opinion and my input, but ULTIMATELY he is responsible for making his choices. To put me in that position is to set me up for failure...he'll stay, but he'll blame me for his unhappiness, also NOT my responsibility.
That's right...... how does that make you feel?
"H, when you told me that you needed my permission to leave I felt_____________________________"
Did you feel defeated?
I think it's okay to tell him you fear you would be blamed for his unhappiness.
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2. He is running Away From instead of Running Towards. Semantics, perhaps, but I think it makes all the difference in the world. He doesn't know what he wants to do...some talk of opening his own business, but you don't just decide to do that and quit with no other income, savings, or contingency plans. Really, he doesn't know what he wants.
Yep, I'm with ya here too... he seems to be running away. But pointing this out to him might not be helpful. ?? Again, how do you feel? Are you worried....? If there is anything positive you can share that'd be good too... like if you are hopeful he goes after something that he would be passionate about.
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1. I am not responsible for your decisions. They are yours to make, and I will provide my best thinking and questions to help you make your decision.
2. I am not responsible for your happiness. You choose your world. It is not for me to give you "permission" to do anything.
3. I love you unconditionally, and I will support you in any way I can to help you find a job situation that satisfies you. I want only good things for you.
4. If you quit your job, we will be short $1000/month to pay our bills. We'll have to file for bankruptcy.
I'd leave off the bankruptcy part. Also, how about saying something more to empathize with the position he is in? Something that could serve to make clear to him that this IS his decision to make and NOT yours??
I think you're doing a really good job. Good luck, will be thinking about you.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
