What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

Okay...........

I have struggled a little these last several days... with keeping the right attitude and not letting my H get to me. It's been challenging and frustrating at times, but I'm doing good overall.

I feel like I drew a line in the sand and so he came around again. Is this genuine? It felt like it... but I know I can't trust it. How will I know he is serious? This is what's tough. I've come across to him in the past as too demanding if I ask for anything specific. Part of me says too bad, but the other part of me wonders if there's a solution I'm not coming up with.

Last Friday, he bagged out on getting together. He said he just couldn't do it, was too emotional. Well, we ended up talking on the phone for nearly 2 hours anyway. It went alright. It was super challenging at times, but he at least seemed to feel pretty good about it. My opinion on that is he probably felt some relief. I think he'd been really freaked out that I had completely closed the door on him, and was likely reassured that I do have feelings left for him. It was clear to me afterwards that there might be hope. He was saying he loves me and would like to be back together. Still little more than words though.

There's also drama that just seems to follow him. Surprise, surprise. I didn't totally keep my cool with all of it, but can't say I did bad at all either. I just felt sick and tired of feeling expected to be perfect no matter what is thrown at me. Then I started feeling like it is just too much, and that he is not worth the trouble. I'm questioning whether I want this man in my life, knowing I'm at a place where I could just say farewell. I'm not going to waste time talking about the drama, but it just didn't help the situation.

It's just gotten harder for me to have an open mind. I fear he just wants to stall me... keep me from D him, but not really get busy getting his act together and building a R. Is it my thinking that is preventing us from going anywhere with this? It can't be helping. I need to think more proactively again. The thought of 'acting as if' he *is* serious is very hard for me right now. I feel like I've been burned so many times doing that. Ugg.

I let him know I'd like to talk with him again some time this week, as I have some decisions to make. I made it clear that I didn't "need" him to but that it would make things easier for me. Sounds like he's maybe going to follow through with this, as this evening via text message he promised a drama-free convo. We'll see.

Friday evening he sent the following text to me....

Sorry if today didn't go so well in ur eyes. I know i still have a lot of issues with things. I am trying to get better. Sometimes i dont know what is wrong with me and my brain? Am i just insane? I cant figure out what is so wrong with me sometimes. I get so emotional and dont even know why? I wish i just knew why so i could fix myself and be happy.

After I'd taken a couple days to think about this, I responded saying..... that I wasn't ignoring this text of his, that I'd read it more than once, but wasn't sure how serious he was or if he really wanted my thoughts on his questions, and to let me know so I could be supportive. Well, he hasn't replied back. For now, I think it's safe to say he isn't ready to hear from me on it.

Hope you're all doing well. Peace and love.