Here we go 'round in circles...

[SDFoundGirl]

Okay...I'm going to explain the situation and share what I think I'm going to do about it. I'd love your input/fine tuning/OMG what a messed up buncha cr@p that is about it.

H sat down with me yesterday while he was complaining about work (again) and said, "I need your permission to leave." Meaning to quit. He's at the end of his rope there, miserable, so I understand the desire to leave. At the time I told him that totally supported him, but that the reality is that we have bills to pay. If he quits with no other job, we cannot pay our bills. He looked crushed...and I just felt like sh!t.

By the time this morning rolled around I was feeling angry/irritated/frustrated, so I took an hour or so of my day to journal about it to figure out what *really* bothered me. Ultimately, I came to these conclusions:

1. I am not his mommy, so I am not in charge of the decisions he makes. I can provide my opinion and my input, but ULTIMATELY he is responsible for making his choices. To put me in that position is to set me up for failure...he'll stay, but he'll blame me for his unhappiness, also NOT my responsibility.

2. He is running Away From instead of Running Towards. Semantics, perhaps, but I think it makes all the difference in the world. He doesn't know what he wants to do...some talk of opening his own business, but you don't just decide to do that and quit with no other income, savings, or contingency plans. Really, he doesn't know what he wants.

I need to sit down with him and have the conversation like I wish I'd had yesterday. Here is a list of points I want to make:

1. I am not responsible for your decisions. They are yours to make, and I will provide my best thinking and questions to help you make your decision.

2. I am not responsible for your happiness. You choose your world. It is not for me to give you "permission" to do anything.

3. I love you unconditionally, and I will support you in any way I can to help you find a job situation that satisfies you. I want only good things for you.

4. If you quit your job, we will be short $1000/month to pay our bills. We'll have to file for bankruptcy.

These are facts. I am not willing to be responsible for his choices. He's been complaining about this job for more than a year, he's been talking about leaving for longer than that. He has sent out no resumes...has done SOME thinking about what he wants, but nothing to move in that direction. He is in the situation he is in because of his own decisions and actions. I want better for him, but it is not in my power to give those things to him. Only he can do this.

So...what am I missing? How can I fine-tune this thang? I know that unless I speak up, I won't be okay. He can still blame me if he wants; that's completely out of my control. But deep down he'll know and I'll know it's not my fault.

I'm comfortable with him leaving if it comes to that. To be other than authentic is suicide for me. He used to set me up like this in the past...and I fought him and was angry, but I also sort of bought into the idea that it was MY fault because I was too scared/too controlling/whatever.

I'm not afraid anymore. This is just the truth.

SD