What is reasonable and what is not?

[JAK58]

Please try to calm down and think.

You are going to have these feelings but try not to be cold to XH as he will see it as you just plain being a bit## and will serve as a reason to keep doing what he is even longer.

Be distant but be friendly.

Does he get sex every time he is with you if so maybe you should back off on that although it is up too you. right now he has the best of both worlds and you need to show him he can't have it all his way.

If he calls later don't answer. When you do talk in a day or two and he asks where you were tell him out because you were right !!(go out with some friends and have a good time). Be vague about what you are doing it will serve to make him jealous (Hopefully)
YA know just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you are not attractive and can't be hit on,

You need to start making a life for you and not worry about what H is thinking or doing right now.

It sounds to me like he Might be in a Mid Life Crisis and it may be awhile before he comes back to earth.

How old are you two anyway?

JAK

[Startingover2]

Thanks Jak...what would I do without you.

No, we actually haven't had sex in a few weeks. Partly because of time and partly because I was on bed rest for a few days.

I am running on fear right now. Fear of the past, fear of the future. Fear and visions of me having this baby and him coming and going when he pleases, giving me a kiss, maybe an ILY and continues on his merry way. Life as he knows it wouldn't really have to change other than some child support...mine on the other hand is drastically changed.

I am 42 (yes old to be prego again) and he is 33. I have 3 teenagers from my first marriage and he has 2 preteens from his first. This baby is our first together.

We have made leaps and bounds progress since the beginning, he says he is happy, but my over active mind jumps ahead to the future.

I am also getting nervous...his cel cyle ends on Monday and I will be able to see online if he has talked or tm'd with OW. Part of me is saying not to look, but the other part doesn't want to be stupid either. I am petrified of what I will find. What will I do if I see he is still in contact with her?

I just want him to start making me feel loved, understand that when he walked out on me he broke my heart and work his a** off to fix it. Not act like he could care less.

I need a glass of wine....but will go for a walk instead.

[JAK58]

[/quote]
What will I do if I see he is still in contact with her?[quote]

SO2,

You will go dark and start taking care of you!!! You can not and should not control what he does but, you can control what you will allow him to get away with.

You might (if i can suggest this to you) want to tell him that as long as he is in contact and has anything to do with OW that you are not willing to have a R with him. If he is in contact with her he probobly won't drop her just like that. So i wouldn't really believe that if he tells you he isn't seeing her right away.
You need to set these boundries to help you. It takes a long time to let go and live life for you and not your H but, that is the best thing that you can do for you and your child.

OF course he will continue on his Merry way if he is allowed to.

So2, if your XH is in MLC ,his going back and forth is part of this crap, and it may take along time to come out of.
Please read all you can on MLC and try to see if that is what you think it is. DO not tell H you think he is but gain all of the knowledge and know that it is an illness and there are no gaurantees. You also need to appear cool calm and collected in front of him. but remain firm and do not let him walk all over you.
Keep going over the DR book( do you have one?) until it becomes a second skin.
You need to learn how to detach from his crap. it's hard to do but has to be done in order to keep your sanity.
Heck, i still have a hard time here and there with it. More so when my H throughs a wrench into the R, and his MLC has been going on for at least two years. One year since the bomb.

Please take care of you.

JAK

[Startingover2]

I needed to post as things really hit the fan in about 5 minutes.

Exh was here. He was drinking. He is a weekend drinker. Things were ok. Then he wanted me to buy him an expensive quad to take hunting with him. I looked shocked. I said when/if we get married again that would be good, but probably not a smart thing right now. He blew up! He then went on to tell me that our relationship is all about this baby and nothing else. I have learned to not argue with someone that is drinking so I just sat there and didn't say anything.

He got up and was furious and said he was leaving. Grabbed the rest of his beer and left. Pulled out of here in a big hurry.

I am scared to death now that he is mad at me he will probably call OW. She doesn't mind that he drinks and will pat him on the back and tell him how wonderful he is.

I need to calm down. Why do I keep taking such a horrible man back over and over? I want to be strong. But I am so weak.

[Startingover2]

He keeps sending text messages:

"sorry I acted like an a**. Hope you can forgive me."
I am not responding. He was so hurtful and mean. Things really need to change.

[JAK58]

[/quote]
I am scared to death now that he is mad at me he will probably call OW. She doesn't mind that he drinks and will pat him on the back and tell him how wonderful he is.

I need to calm down. Why do I keep taking such a horrible man back over and over? I want to be strong. But I am so weak.[quote]

SO2,

Of course you are scared. You need to feel that fear and do what you need to for you not him at this point.

How often does he drink? I really do wonder if he is MLC, ecause of his actions.

You did very well by not responding in any sort of negative way
and saying nothing.

Try not to text him or call for a day or two at least see if he comes to you personally. Then be pleasant maybe tell him you are on your way out with some friends (then go do it) and leave him standing there.
He'll wonder whats goign on then.

So2 you need to get to a point where you are happy for you and not the two of you together.
You can't control what he does but you can control ehat you do and how you think about you.

You have been thru a divorce already and were prepared to live without him weren't you? OR did he keep you hanging by a thread thru all of it?

Time to let him see a person that IS ready to live without him.

I'll keep you in my prayers, and do not call or text him back promises me that will you ? Let him come to you.

JAK

[Startingover2]

Exh is a weekend alcoholic......During the week he doesn't drink at all. Saturday rolls around and he pretty much watches football and gets drunk. Same with Sunday. This has been an issue that his family has been concerned about for years.

He kept up with the text's wondering why I was mad at him...I guess he doesn't remember. I told him I don't want to talk right now and I will only talk when he isn't drinking. He of course got angry with that. Haven't heard from him today.

I am scared...scared of doing this child on my own. Scared of standing up to him and his anger. But I need to. He is out of control.

He basically strung me along our entire separation. I never really stood up to him. I need to now for our daughter.

[JAK58]

So2

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Live for you.

Try not to work on the R do for you and your children and make a life for you. BE HAPPY FOR YOU.

Your H needs to fix himself, you can not fix him.
He divorced you but yet still continues his crap, sounds like MLC to me. Or just someone who is spoiled and never grew up.

JAK

[Startingover2]

After a few days of his casual 'hope you have a good day. love you' texts I had to contact him.

I just got the phone call we have been waiting for for almost 2 weeks. My amniocentecis results came back great! I have been on edge waiting. I knew the chances were slim that something wasn't right, but still until you hear the results its in your mind.

I sent him a text telling him that the test results were back. He immediately called. It was nice to hear his voice. I told him and he was relieved as well. He said 'well maybe you can sleep better'. Like that was the only thing on my mind.

All of a sudden it all hit me and I felt myself start to cry and lose it. I think it was all the pent up emotion. I told him I had to go and hung up. I cried and let it out. Sent him a text apologizing and that I must have been emotionally overwhelmned. He sent on back saying 'I understand but I am her dad and you should be able to talk to me.' Uh, ya, you would think! Yes, he is her dad and I will tell him what is happening with her, but after the past events I don't feel safe. Yes, he does love and care about her, but makes choices to destroy me. Maybe not intentionally, but he does.

I just wanted to update....talk soon.

[JAK58]

So2,

Im'e so happy that the test came back exellent!!!

I do not blame you for not feeling safe with xh. Sorry to say he hasn't givin you much reason to.

Just keep doing what you are (detaching,GAL)and let him figure out things for himself. Remember you can't make him grow up or decide you are the one he wants to spend his life with. He needs to do this himself.

Keep in touch.

JAK